Our United State

More Inspiration, More Writing

2010-08-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

Writing about weddings, marriage, married life, domestic bliss, etc. etc. ran out of steam. But, after a year off, I've got a new pursuit - learning carpentry - and am writing again. Visit woodshoptalk.blogspot.com

Noche de Romanza

2009-02-03T12:29:00.006-05:00

A lot of couples have "date night" where it's just the two of you, and you have dinner and see a movie or something. We like to spice it up, and we call it "Noche de Romanza" (spoken with the most absurd possible Zorro accent) - other than that it's the same as anybody else's date night. Well, except that we usually get tired after dinner and skip the movie. Romanza indeed!

With Valentine's Day coming up - we have a bad track record with Valentine's Day. We generally scoff and promise to do nothing but stay home and watch a Hepburn-Tracy film (intended) or back episodes of Supernatural (more likely). But in reality, at the last minute, we get swept up in our usual gifting frenzy, and go out to an expensive dinner. Inevitably disappointing and a little shameful.

This year at least we have a birthday party to attend and big work deadlines right around that weekend. Those factors should keep us out of trouble.

Another thing that happens this time of year is the emails pouring in from all my frequent flier and hotel loyalty programs. They are pretty sure they can convince me that a packaged vacation to Mexico or Aspen or . . . er, Atlanta (Romanza!) is how I want to spend a two-day weekend and a very good deal. As a non-dummy, I am pretty certain that packaged vacation offers on holiday weekends are never a good deal.

One of my favorite kinds of "packages" is the one where they just add breakfast - mark it way up - to your room rate, and brand the whole thing as something like "The Art of Waking Up" (Klimpton), "Awaken at the Park" (Hyatt), or "Week End Escape" (Sofitel).

So, from Starwood comes this offer which is not unusual in its structure, but I think it has the most hilarious copy - breathlessly overwrought and totally incomprehensible.

Begin the day with breakfast each morning served in-room or at our Restaurant, followed by the anticipation of an experience beyond expectation.

Whoa! Happy Valentine's Day!

A Year of Firsts

2008-12-31T10:56:00.005-05:00

I thought it might be a good idea, in the aftermath, to write a little bit about our first Christmas as a married couple. In fact, I'm fairly certain we'll be thinking about the next year as a bunch of "firsts". However it didn't feel all that first-y.

Emerson and I have been together over five years and have lived together for a good portion of that so I was honestly more excited about it being the puppy's first Christmas with us than our own. I know, that makes me a horrible person. Or perhaps it's just a reflection of our relationship. As my father said in his toast at the wedding, if you don't think Michael and Emerson are really married, spend five minutes with them.

It was a Christmas of firsts in other aspects. Emerson finally got to eat his first New Haven pizza and, as predicted, it was better than any other pizza on the face of the planet. We bought our first tuxedos (more on that later). And for the first time we bought each other the same gift!

It was also a Christmas of babies. On our ride up to Connecticut to visit my family, we stopped by Princeton to see our friends Patrick and Jennifer (who was an extremely pregnant reader at the wedding) and their new son, Emmett. We also got to play Santa to our neighbor's newborn nephew; his sister lives in New Haven and so we drove presents up to them. My cousin just had a baby, as well, and so we got to play with her at my grandparents.

And this whole year is going to be a bunch of firsts in other ways. I'm looking forward to finally getting in front of a classroom and expounding upon the beauty of biophysics. And now that we're married and "settled" down, it's time to start thinking about that first house down-payment. And whether or not we think about any seasonal marker as our first "X" as a married couple, the one thing I know for certain is that, more importantly than this being a "year of firsts", everything that happened last year was a "year of lasts."

Extravagant Gifts, Simple Thanks

2008-12-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned earlier, we did get our thank-you notes in the mail before Christmas vacation, nine weeks after our wedding, which is hardly a heroic feat, especially considering how urgent most thank-you notes seem. A boss I once had would get quite angry at late thank-you letters, and I remember her saying, "A same-day acknowledgment is so important and so possible!" Possible, yes - but important?

The spirit of her complaint is true: gratitude should be delivered with a sense of urgency.

We sent a little more than 50 thank-you notes. We did not send Christmas cards this year, because that would have been a ludicrous amount of correspondence all at once, and we could throw a little "Merry Christmas" into each note. It took just two weeknights to get them all written and addressed and in the mail.

Here were some things that helped:

1. Keeping it simple. We did not order custom stationery. In fact, we did not use pre-printed thank-you cards. We used these simple, recycled white note cards. The only real aesthetic call-back to our wedding was the return-address rubber stamp that was produced for our invitations. We added a little holiday cheer with this year's Nutcracker postage stamps. The result was, I think, both casual and elegant if (as one friend has said) a bit "Emily Post-ish."

2. Fool-proof writing instructions. I'm sure you've all read and internalized these tips from Leslie Harpold, which are so utterly perfect as to require neither discussion nor description. I remember finding this little article to be heart-warming when I first read it, and Harpold's passing makes it not just a resource but a treasure.

The Goose Got Fat, Eaten

2008-12-29T10:22:00.004-05:00

I don't think either Michael nor I feels especially bad about not posting for a long time since the wedding. We have some explanations, none of which is an "excuse" because we are not particularly sorry for the past seven weeks of silence, except in one important dimension:

We owe our amazing network of fellow wedding bloggers a serious apology. In the weeks before our wedding, you were here for us, being sweet, making our wedding seem like the most important day in the whole world. We should have been celebrating with you virtually, as you celebrated with us, and tossing good vibes and pithy advice your way.

Instead, we spent the first few weeks of our married life detoxing from stress, the spending, the narcissism of what we did. We spent a lot of time with local friends and with our parents. There were turkeys. We bought and wrapped and exchanged Christmas gifts. Very importantly, we got all our thank-you notes written and in the mail before Christmas vacation. We were reading your blogs (seriously!) but not commenting. We never once navigated to this page.

I think both of us were a bit shocked by the life that this blog took on. Literally dozens of regular readers supporting us and learning about us, visiting the site hundreds of times each week. It fed our egos, and it stoked the smoldering embers of guilt. Who were we to merit this attention? And who on earth were all of you to give it to us?

We never meant to be gay-wedding journalists or memoirists. We started this blog to make sure that our guests knew where to stay and eat, and buy us silverware. Obviously we had more to share, and I'm glad we have had the platform.

As we opened our lives up more and more, things got more rewarding as well as more scary. We knew we wanted to draw a line at some point. As much as we hoped for our wedding to be a very public celebration and to set an example for others, we didn't want same-sex marriage to become the defining issue of our lives. I'm not sure that's avoidable, but that is still our hope. Michael is a scientist and I am a professional fundraiser - we are not full-time grooms.

The weeks after our wedding were an emotional roller-coaster in other ways, especially with the passage of Proposition 8 and similar state initiatives across the country. Not only was that personally painful, but I think both of us felt shouted-down by our friends who thought that we were making too much of the issue, and should just be quietly grateful that we got the wedding of our dreams (and the end of the Bush morass).

So, part of our silence was fostering some bitterness about that. We are certainly recovering, trying to think optimistically about things we can do politically to help secure marriage equality, things that go beyond complaining. And, we both led anti-hunger fundraising and advocacy drives at our respective offices; it has been tremendously rewarding to do something purely for others, immediate and tangible, that doesn't benefit one's self at all.

In any case, even though our wedding has come and gone (and I do see the thank-you notes as being the Finish Line), we have more to say and more to share, and we appreciate the attention, and we do think of you - incredibly - as friends.

I am developing a new blog that I will announce and launch once I figure out what it ought to be and have enough material on there that you should want to visit it. I'm not sure if Michael will continue to write, and if he does, what it will consist of (he's been an intermittent blogger over the years).

Marriage #2: The Marriaging

2008-11-10T13:51:00.009-05:00

Our first marriage was before God and family on a small goat farm in North Carolina on October 11, 2008. Our second marriage (depending on how things go) was in the little mountain town of Ukiah, the county seat in Mendocino, California, where Emerson and I were honeymooning.

We set out early the morning of Thursday, October 16, before the sun rose to make the long trek over the mountains to Ukiah. We stopped for one of the best scones I've ever had in a little village called Boonville, the hippiest town in the hippiest place I have ever been (I do not exaggerate when I say that the entire county smelled like pot). We didn't have much time because we had to meet Josh Bowers, the guy we hired on craigslist to take pictures and be our witness.

Ukiah had only one main road and ironically the county seat was not on it. Instead, it was a few blocks off, right next to the county prison. As municipal buildings go, this one wasn't so bad, although it had clearly been a school at one point in its existence, which would explain the baseball fields behind it. It probably stopped being a school around the same time the building next door became a prison (although you never know with these mountain types).
The first thing we had to do was go into a large, open office that reminded me of my high school administration, and fill out a form with things like our names, our parents names, and verifying that we weren't married. We then had to swear an oath to the hippy behind the counter that everything we said was true to the best of our knowledge. It was a tad bit surreal. Then we had to wait while the clerk typed up all of our information. Meanwhile, we checked out the spots where people liked to get married.

Apparently one of the popular spots was in front of the building by the willow tree. That tree, however, was right in front of the garbage bin. Marriage #2 was already bizarre enough; it didn't need to be made more bizarre by a trash heap; that would come later on the baseball field. No, we decided to not get married by the tree between the front driveway and the refuse pile. Instead we would get married in the "courtyard chapel".

Being a typical municipal school turned county administration office, the Ukiah county clerk was able to provide us with a concrete courtyard surrounded by windows looking into various government offices. In the corner was a white wooden arch with absolutely no adornment or flowers or plants or anything. It was perfect!

Right before we started, she asked us if were planning on exchanging rings. Shit! We quickly took off our rings and swapped them so we could exchange them in front of God and Josh the photographer. The clerk read from her print-out of the marriage ceremony, her gold-spangled costume necklace jingling down to her navel. After our big gay wedding on the goat farm, standing in the bright morning sun in the courtyard of an old school next to a prison in front of a softball field felt a tad bit anti-climactic. After our beautiful vows in front of friends and family, declaring our lifelong commitment of love and fidelity in front of an amateur photographer from Mendocino seemed underwhelming; it was difficult to hold back the chuckles.

But somewhere, right at the end, when I was reciting those words that you hear countless times on television and in the movies, it struck me how monumentally important this moment was. It didn't take us 14 months to plan; it didn't involve the precise melding of a million minute details to be perfect; it didn't involve the approving enthusiasm of our family and friends. We had to rely on the actions of strangers, Josh the photographer, Kathleen the deputy clerk, the California Supreme Court, to bring our marriage to the country. Now, an entire state of strangers avowed that they had a stake in my relationship. It was pretty fucking cool.

When it was over, the clerk handed us a colorful certificate declaring our marriage. It may have been in Comic Sans. I don't think it made it back to North Carolina. But we remembered to order an official notarized copy before the big vote. So our marriage has the honor of being real in the eyes of those who love us and, however briefly, real in the eyes of the State of California. And although we will undoubtedly celebrate October 11 as our anniversary, October 16, no matter how fleeting, will forever remain an important part of history.

Strike Beard!

2008-11-06T16:59:00.002-05:00

Ok, one more and then we'll have to stop...

It's getting to be winter and Emerson and I have both decided to grow beards again. But I've decided to not just have a beard, but a strike beard. And here is why:

We can blame the ripping away of my marriage on the homophobic black community. Or we can blame it on deceitful Mormons (which has the added benefit of painting the black community as easily gullible and sheeplike in their blind obedience of propoganda). But a large part of the blame needs to go with the major gay rights organizations. In part it is because the strategy of ramming gay marriage through the courts is not working. We ultimately one twice but the backlash has landed us 0 for 30 in constitutional amendments. There is a saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

The other reason the major gay rights organizations are to blame is their idiotic blind trust in the Democrats. If the HRC didn't spend so much money trying to get Barack Obama elected (and God knows he didn't need money), they might have been able to focus on state and local issues. So gay rights groups have gotten what they wanted; there are large majorities in both Houses of Congress and a president who deigned to mention us as part of a platitude in his acceptance speech (ohmigod! He talked about us! He talked about us!!!). The Democrats have complete control of the government. So let's see how long it takes the triumvirate of Obama, Pelosi and Reid to pass major pro-gay legislation. I'll take anything. A repeal of DADT. Repeal of DOMA. Passing ENDA. Anything.

But until then I won't shave my beard.

Because it wasn't just the evil Republicans who stole my marriage from me. In fact, an unprecedented 27% of self-identified gays voted for McCain. And it's time that the gay community woke up and started fighting for itself and stopped wishing that the magic Democrats will wave their wands and do shit for us after we get them elected.

Idiotic Justifications and Cold Comfort

2008-11-06T09:16:00.004-05:00

I'm going to share some of the responses I've read - some directed to me, some written on blogs, some that just passed in front of my eyes going from one friend to another. I'm not going to parse them all, because if you can't see what's stupid or off-base about each of these things, then - well, then, you're stupid or off-base, and maybe this is a good point at which to sever our relationship.

Also - I want all of you who are irony-deprived to switch on your sarcasm detectors. I want you to see it coming before you're in it, knee deep.

The thing that these messages mostly share in common is the sentiment that gay people shouldn't be so upset because this is "just" a setback, it's minor in the context of Obama's win, that fair-minded liberals are in now way to be held responsible, or that we nasty old queens are just bitter/angry/self-loathing/uppity.

So here's my wall of shame, unattributed stupid things that people said and wrote yesterday about the crushing nationwide defeat of gay rights:

some of us feel worse than you do! please re-direct your booing and hissing to the morons of the state, not all of us.

Uh - right, the Democratic candidates, party and voters stood up for us so passionately. They were just overwhelmed by the irresistable Mormon army, right?

In general, courts are the wrong place to press these sorts of claims. . . . Unfortunately, too many groups have decided that the success of civil rights can be widely applied to circumvent the electorate on issues where there is no public consensus.

Oh, I must have misread the constitution and the 14th amendment - my bad! Voters are totally justifying in repealing civil rights just to punish the courts for being so pushy!

Whoa, let's not get distracted here [by the high turnout and 70% support for Prop 8 among black voters], folks. The real, true enemy in all of this in the Mormon church, perhaps the most despicable bastion of bigotry in our country.

The Mormons did not come to California and mark those ballots. The mind-boggling level of homophobia among African Americans is just one piece of this failure, but it is possibly the most shocking and disappointing piece.

I believe--and thought you did too since you actually had a wedding--that, while of course the ultimate goal is official State recognition and the accompanying legal rights, the State doesn't have to approve your union or anyone else's for it to be official and sacred. That's in the way that you live your life; not the labels you put on it.

Yeah - I had a wedding to demonstrate that I don't care if marriage is legal or not! And then I flew to California just as a way of saying "Look how superficial this legal marriage stuff is!" Boy, am I glad that my wedding didn't accidentally result in any legal responsibilities or privileges.

if a country that so viciously oppressed a group of citizens could, 40 years later elect someone from that group--then I have great confidence Emerson that we can overcome what voters in California and other states did on the ballot issues.

So - is 40 years a optimistic estimate as to how long equal rights are going to take? Because I have heard some generous 5, 10 and 20 year estimates. As mama used to say, "You can't hurry love!"

And finally, what I think is maybe the worst most gut-wrenching thing I heard all day:

Oh fuck! This is the first I've heard of it. FUCK!

Sorry I pierced your bubble of straight, white privilege with the bad news. I'll try not to do it again. You can get back to congratulating each other now. We'll just go back to our corner and cross our fingers that someday, somebody will give a shit about us . . .

I'm So Bitter I Could Just Cling to Guns and Religion

2008-11-05T17:04:00.003-05:00

“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.”

I find it utterly impossible to be happy for the country right now. While I never agreed with much of Barack Obama's politics, I was geared up and even psyched to witness the first African-American president. It is long, long overdue and brings us one important step closer to correcting century old wrongs that have permeated our society in almost every way. It was an historic event that I am utterly unable to find positive or to rejoice in.

Barack Obama may have won a decisive victory across the country but the decisive losers were gay Americans. The campaign that brought us “hope” and “change” brought neither of those things to the millions of gays and their children. The passage of all four anti-gay ballot measures yesterday underscores that while the voters may have shifted demonstrably in favor of the Democrats, they remain unmoved when it comes to the rights of same-sex couples. This cannot be blamed, as it was in 2004, on a conservative electorate enamored with a Bush political agenda; that was resolutely defeated. California, which Obama won by nearly a 15 point margin, banned gay marriage all the same.

And while it is unlikely that they tipped the scales, I find the overwhelming support for Prop 8 among African Americans appalling. The bittersweet irony is that Obama’s unprecedented mobilization and registration of voters and his historic candidacy that gave a well-deserved voice to a long since marginalized minority brought about inequality for another. The group of citizens who saw their hopes and dreams materialize last night simultaneously voted to strip those same hopes and dreams away from a different marginalized minority. Slavery is a horrific stain our nation which means it is even more important for those who have most acutely felt its ramifications to fight for equality under the law for all Americans.

So no, Mr. Obama, I do not question the power of our democracy; the people still have the power to strip away the rights of others. Before last night I didn’t imagine my fellow citizens could rip my marriage away from me. But as you say, Mr. Obama, America is a place where all things are possible.

Because It's Personal

2008-11-05T10:56:00.003-05:00

A lot of people are pissed at me today. I've been pretty brittle. I'm not handling this very coolly. I'm ruining people's fun. Whenever I've seen or heard sentiments of celebration , I've made it a point to interject:

"What a great night!" someone says.
"Not for gays," I reply.

Would it be so hard for people to acknowledge that? And why do I keep hearing the words I had no idea? You should have known. Stop patting yourself on the back.

There's no reason for the defeat of gay rights to detract from the historic victory that occurred yesterday. That's simply not where my head is, where my heart is. And, frankly, I don't think it's disrespectful to keep pointing it out.

Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

2008-11-05T01:06:00.002-05:00

Gay men and women across the country, people whose lives are dedicated to service, virtue, and generosity were stripped of equal protection under the law, their second-class citizenship reaffirmed by voters of both parties in Florida, Arizona, Arkansas and possibly California tonight. I sat in a bar filled with whooping, gloating Democrats, apparently pleased to once again have loyal gay liberals as their cannon fodder. I wanted to cry, but instead I got angry and shouted.

I shouldn't let myself be bitter, because bitterness is self-destructive, but I may allow myself these feelings for a while. I'm mad as he'll, but I'm supposed to keep taking it? I have not one kind word for America right now. You betrayed us.

Hope, Desire, Secrets and Meaning

2008-11-04T13:32:00.003-05:00

Desaray’s early morning post today – and her slow, scary, exciting and mystifying approach to the Friends community – set me to thinking about prayer. Election day – filled as it is with conflict, with the thirst for power and prestige, with self-delusion and self-congratulation – empty as it is of quiet, reflection, honesty and generosity – is a really good day for reflection.

So, please be patient as I type for a while about these things: Prayer and weddings, prayer in weddings, prayer after weddings and prayer that puts weddings in a new light and new perspective.

Weddings – no matter how secular – are still built on the foundation of archaic prayer services. Yet, prayer is not one of the words that we hear a lot in planning weddings. It’s an elephant in the room. Related words like blessing and of course vow are commonplace – they stand for prayer without making a big deal about it.

The Knot has just five references to “prayer”: three of these are under the rubric of “requirements” for Catholic, Protestant and Jewish ceremonies; one is a Celine Dion song; and the last prayer is one that was answered with a good photographer.

The Knot is no one’s standard of serious intellectual or spiritual involvement, but I think it’s fair to say it dimly reflects the zeitgeist.

It’s not surprising that prayer should be a bit of a taboo in the matrimonial-industrial complex. For one thing, planning a wedding is so often about “getting it just right,” which is impossible with prayer – when prayer is “just right,” that usually means it’s scripted, stilted or hollow. Prayer’s outcomes are unpredictable. They are neither right nor wrong. They often look like failure but feel like success. A wedding ceremony as ambivalent as this is unlikely to “impress” anybody.

Another ideal of wedding planning is making it “personal,” or customized. It would be hard to get prayer right according to this standard. For many people, the most authentic and meaningful prayers are the involuntary ones that flow out of hope, despair, grief, fury, ecstasy – in short, vulnerability. These prayers would be inappropriate (or, at least, very uncomfortable) for a wedding, no matter how intimate and personal it might be. Consequently, the "personal" prayers that couples tend to choose are treacly.

For those of us who are religious but getting married outside a church, asking people to participate in religious prayer is delicate. Inside a church, with a clerical celebrant, a marrying couple has some cover. “These prayers are not really our words,” they could say. Or, more affirmatively, “These prayers are a lovely, old-fashioned tradition.” “These prayers don’t quite reflect our beliefs, but they are part of the bargain for having our beautiful wedding in this beautiful space – and maybe they’re not so bad, since we got to revise them a little bit.”

I don’t think we got prayer right at our wedding. We were close, but not quite there. Our readers and co-celebrants weren’t entirely comfortable with the language, although they were good sports. They saw it (generously) as “our day,” and they gamely did their part to deliver what we requested. Still, I wish we had collaborated with them more. Talked more. Prayed together. Invited them more deeply into our personal prayer lives so they could get the counterintuitive connections between our “personal” spirituality, and the public signs and language of the ceremony.

Sometimes – more than sometimes – just going through the motions of prayer is good - as good as getting to that deep, dream-like state of prayer, the state that prayer strives for, in which one is in communication with hidden parts of one’s self, and with hidden parts of the world, and they are forgiving one another. Practicing prayer not only prepares us for those extraordinary moments, but it also has good, objective outcomes of its own. It is energetic.

In retrospect, looking back at the last year, I wish that I had spent at least as much time in the practice of prayer as I did in the practice of foxtrot. At the same time, I am not regretful. Our wedding, at sunset, on the cusp of autumn, opened up new channels for my prayer life, and reopened some that I had been neglecting. With a new, renewed family, the time and space for having and creating memories, I am refreshed and eager to get down to the good work of prayer.

I have some tools that I use for prayer. Maybe it is indulgent or boastful to write about them in this forum. Maybe it is helpful.

My criteria for choosing these over the course of my life has been that prayer tools should be easy to do but challenging to my feelings and beliefs, and they should have evidence of tradition and inspiration.

The “Suscipe” prayer from the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius Loyola is one of these. It is easy to find a good/correct rendering online. But, I learned it a bit differently from my spiritual director in college, and I like my shorter, simpler version:

Take, Lord, and receive all that I am and have. You have given it all to me, and I give it all back to you. Just give me your love and your grace, and that is enough.

Another prayer I learned in college is one that I didn’t think I could use or accept, because it seems so . . . prosecutorial. This is the Orthodox Rosary (Chotki) Mantra, known as the “Jesus Prayer.”

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

The last prayer tool that I want to share – because I’ve gotten very long-winded here – is the Avalokiteshvara Mantra, which you surely know already:

Om Mani Padme Hum.

I sometimes just repeat it or look at it, like a pure mantra. Sometimes I alternate the mantra with a prayer to eliminate both anxieties and seductions, like this:

Om Mani Padme Hum.
To be without worry.
To be without peace of mind.
Om Mani Padme Hum.
To be without screwing up.
To be without getting it right.

And so on. This prayer is like a bloodhound for detecting secret fears. Other times it exposes my "goods" as addictions.

So – what are your tools or prayer, reflection and communicating with hidden parts of yourself?

Living in a Calgon Commercial

2008-11-03T10:44:00.003-05:00

There are many good reasons to eschew wedding gift registries. To have them is really rather greedy. If there are household items one really needs, wouldn't it be more prudent (and ethical) to cut back on wedding extravagances and buy those things for one's self? Shouldn't we, after all, have contributed most of our wedding budget to fighting injustice, and asked our guests to contribute their gift money to similar causes?

This is the utilitarian conundrum that philosophers like Peter Singer demand we confront. As important as it is to strive for moral clarity in resistance to both culture and our own impulses, there is some soft consensus among ethicists that scrupulous devotion to moral purity produces diminishing returns for investments of anxiety, isolation and intellectual paralysis.

In other words, one may achieve greater good in a life characterized by self-acceptance, companionship, reflection and pleasure. This is how I can declare that there is a universal good in wrapping myself with a fantastic bath towel.

We installed new bath linens over the weekend, having received them as gifts off our Crate & Barrel gift registry. The bliss - as if I had never dried myself before - was immense. Oh gods, oh venerable Pallas! If I am not to see in my life the accomplishment of full human equality under the law, then I think the feeling of Organic Turkish Cotton after a warm bath will comfort me for a long time.

Please Be Seated

2008-10-31T10:53:00.001-04:00

Cruising around other wedding blogs as well as commercial sites gave me a serious inferiority complex about my shortage of DIY skills. Although our wedding had a "hand crafted" feel on the whole, that was mostly a matter of our obsession with details and tricking actual artisans and craftspeople to do our bidding.

Our one craft project, which I blogged about in September, turned out nicely, though, and I thought I'd share the final product with you:

I'm not sure whence we stole the family-wedding-pictures idea, but I'm seeing it pop up all over the place, and I'm really glad we pulled it off, and grateful to both our moms for helping out.

This last close-up shows the milk-bottle flower arrangements that the moms made so nicely with celosia, eucalyptus and some kind of berry that I have yet to identify. The framed portrait you see is of Michael's grandparents looking so elegant.

By the way, the card basket cost $5 on the clearance shelf at a craft store and the guest book was a cheap $7 acid-free journal from Barnes & Noble, with a vacation picture glued to the cover. My philosophy on these things was, if we don't have the time, money or inclination to really make these anything special, then lets not spend any real money on something that will just be a compromise. What's written inside is what we'll cherish anyway.

P.S. Thanks again to Missy for taking great snaps!

Raise the Bar

2008-10-28T17:28:00.004-04:00

Several people who read this blog were guinea pigs in our months-long experiments with wine and beer. For their edification, and for anyone else who might be interested, I am happy to provide the final list of drinks we served:

Aperitif:
Gruet Winery (New Mexico) Methode Champenoise, Brut, non-Vintage
Hugues Beaulieu (Cotes de Languedoc) Picpoul de Pinet, 2005
Evan Williams Bourbon in Mint Juleps

Dinner:
Folonari (Veneto) Pinto Grigio, 2005
Castellana (Abruzzi) Montepulciano, 2006
Spaten (Munich) Oktoberfest "Ur-Marzen"
Red Hook (New Hampshire) "Late Harvest" Autumn Ale

Digestif:
Talisker, Scottish Malt Whiskey, 10 Year
Oban, Highland Scotch, 14 Year
Macallan, Fine Oak Highland Scotch, 12 Year
Basil Hayden's Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey
Clear Creek (Oregon) Eau de Vie de Pomme, Barrel Aged 8 years
Clear Creek (Oregon) Williams Pear Brandy

We were really pleased with all our choices, limited as we were by the ridiculous liquor control laws of North Carolina, our budget and our obsessive wish for magnums. The wines paired perfectly with the food, and the brandies paired nicely with the cheese course.

And if any of you are interested in re-sampling, we have a ton of this stuff left over.

Water-Colored Memories

2008-10-28T16:15:00.025-04:00

Two weeks feels like a lifetime - keeping up with everybody else's wedding blogs reminds me how intense the last year has been - and how peaceful and just-right life feels now.

We haven't got any professional pictures back, but we have many talented photographers among our friends, and I am happy to share a few of their snaps - those that I would consider "general interest" pictures. Many, many thanks to Jennifer, Bethany, Tom, Missy and Kristen for these great images.

I am happy that somebody took a good photo of the ceremony program, after the trouble we had with the offset printer. I am proud of the design of these programs, but more importantly I am grateful to Dave for designing such gorgeous invitations, which served as the template for these pieces.

The animals on the farm were a big hit with the guests as we hoped they'd be, and the buses arrived early enough that people had plenty of time to tour the whole farm and enjoy it in the daylight. Lemonade and iced tea were served during the hour before the ceremony.

The chickens were very sociable, and the donkey stayed quiet throughout the ceremony. He appeared to be paying rapt attention, in fact, which was a bit unnerving.

The brass quintet was a bit underwhelming. But, I think only Michael and I really noticed their ponderous timing and freewheeling sense of tonality, because we had so often listened to great recordings of all the music they were to play. Nonetheless, part of the reason for having the quintet was the juxtaposition of the elegant and the rustic. I assume this was their first time playing in or beside a goat paddock, and it was a cool thing to see.

The ceremony was just exactly what we had hoped for - thoughtful, prayerful and dignified. We really chose excellent readers who brought drama and insight to the scriptures. My best college friend, who is now an academic theologian, gave a reflection which - to put it crassly - blew minds. Our "collaborating presiders" did their work with grace and confidence. And our two vocal soloists sang beautifully.

Immediately after the ceremony, the sun emerged from behind the clouds and illuminated the horizon with a dramatic, fiery sunset. On the porch and the lawn of the farmhouse, our guests enjoyed hush puppies and oyster po' boys washed down with champagne (Gruet Brut from New Mexico), dry white wine (a picpoul from the Roussillon) and sweet mint juleps.

The tent was gorgeous, with three long banquet tables. We were glad to have insisted on long tables against our caterer's advice, because they were perfect. Each place was set with a personalized menu card and a packet of vintage-style postcards, wishing "Greetings from" all the places we have lived and worked - and the places from which so many of our guests traveled.

On the center table, draped in burgundy linens, the centerpieces of dahlias, zinnias, celosia, artichokes, eggplants, pears and peppers, were (of course) 100% local and organic, and assembled by a team consisting of our moms, my aunt, my sister and Michael. They were so nervous to do such a big and important job, but as you can see, the results were lush and elegant. I am very happy we didn't chicken-out and spend a lot of money on a florist.

The other two tables were draped in navy, and had hurricane lamps set into magnolia and laurel wreaths, with votives and green hydrangeas scattered around. An absolutely fantastic salad of squash, goat cheese and figs was set at each place so that guests could start eating during the first of four (!) toasts.

Our Illegal Wedding: Now With Extra Illegality!

2008-10-28T15:22:00.006-04:00

As soon as the ceremony ended, an odd feeling set in. I probably asked a dozen people, "So, does this wedding seem a little weird to you?" I suppose it was mostly that surreal sensation that many people report: This is it. We are getting married right now. Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

But, there were plenty of other unplanned occurrences that made our wedding day peculiar. For one thing, it was intermittently disrupted by bursts of machine gun fire in the distance - which (blessedly) many guests mistook for fireworks. The brass quintet played all the music at a funereal pace that made Michael and me pull our hair out - although it undoubtedly sounded fine to anyone unfamiliar with those pieces. Also the DJ (in whom we had so much faith) was after all a mind-boggling idiot.

Most importantly, though: our wedding was shut down by the police!

I'm not joking. Apparently, at the quiet end of a country road, sound travels a long way. We might have learned this from enduring the distant machine-gun fire all afternoon. The police came at 9:30 to ask us to turn it down or turn it off. A neighbor from about a mile down the road had called them in hysterics. A very hateful, very sleepy neighbor.

Dave, the owner of the farm, fended the police off for a while. We turned down the volume a notch. It is in fact quiet out there, so we truly didn't need it dialed up to 11. This satisfied the police for a while, but at 10:30 we heard they were on their way back. We told the DJ to wrap it up (probably the most merciful thing to do, in fact) and, unsurprisingly, he chose to end the night some awful music, not on our playlist, that I do not care to recall.

Fortunately, by then, we were good and boozy, actually having a great time, and amused the unique distinction of having our wedding shut down by the cops.

So is it, in fact, just me - or was our wedding a little bit weird?

Nice Day for a White Wedding

2008-10-20T16:06:00.008-04:00

While Emerson and I were on our honeymoon, we were (of course) constantly rehashing and reliving The Most Beautiful Wedding Ever, when we came to realize that our wedding was really, really white. Back before the book came out, we used to read Stuff White People Like, so we decided to see exactly how much white people would like our wedding.

First things first: the wedding was on a goat farm that we found by meeting the goat farmers at their cheese stand at the Farmer's Market. I mean, the whole wedding was practically an advertisement for a farmer's market, given the local and organic nature of nearly all the food as well as the flowers (#5 Farmer's Markets, #6 Organic Food).

The ceremony featured a brass quintet, obscure pieces by 19th and 20th century composers and a soprano solo sung in Czech, in clear expectation of our guests Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music (#108). We wore clothes that we found on eBay and in thrift shops (#49 Vintage). Also, one's attendance at the ceremony was the ultimate consecration of Having Gay Friends (#88).

The menus were printed on unbleached, recycled paper (#64 Recycling). As you have already read on this blog, we toiled and agonized to find exactly the right Wine (#24) and Microbrews (#23).

A solid majority of the guests were friends from Graduate School (#81), The Ivy League (#98), or both. Except for those who went to art school with Emerson (#47 Arts Degrees) or grade school with me (#16 Gifted Children).

And let's not forget about our honeymoon, which was just as white. Since we missed our early morning flight, we killed time by buying new iPhones (#40 Apple Products). It worked out great because we were able to take pictures of our honeymoon and upload them instantly to Facebook (#106). And while on our honeymoon we did many things that white people like, such as wine tasting (#24), doing things by the water (#51) and wearing outdoor performance clothing (#87).

And of course we capped it off San Francisco (#91), where we enjoyed the very best imaginable Sushi (#42). And the plane ride back? I'm almost ashamed to admit we brought the Sunday New York Times (#46).

We Now Return to your Regularly Scheduled Honeymoon Program

2008-10-13T09:20:00.004-04:00

Do you know what happens when you show up to the airport just one minute after the 30-minute baggage check-in deadline? You have to stand in line all morning waiting to rebook your flight (and get bilked with no-longer-waivable fees). And you lose the first 7 hours of your honeymoon.

It's probably not so stressful (and slow!) if you're the only person in the airport to make this mistake - but I would say Delta's 6:40 flight to Cincinatti this morning was half empty. All those ticket holders were in the "International Check-in/Domestic Disappointment" line along with us.

On the upside, maybe you get the extra hour of sleep you wanted. And, you finally have a chance to buy those casual fall shoes you wanted for your vacation. And, you finally get a fancy lunch at the boutique hotel by the airport. And, your new itinerary puts you in scenic Sausalito just in time for dinner.

After the initial sting, this setback isn't so disappointing. Although, having some wedding pictures to enjoy would be soothing, too.

Holy Sh#t, We're Married!

2008-10-12T09:49:00.002-04:00

I know that I should probably be doing something else other than blogging on the morning after my wedding but for some reason I am compelled to do so. So here we are.

We'll have a full wrap-up soon but I wanted to get a few thoughts down this morning.

The first thought is: holy shit, we're married! My second thought is, to quote the great Stephen Colbert: "Great wedding? Or greatest wedding?" My third thought is: Yuliya would be so disappointed.

I should probably leave it at that for now, but I will say one thing. My second favorite moment was when the horse galloped in triumphantly during the interlude and my favorite moment was when the burro came braying and kicking right after him. That's right. A burro.

It's 74 and Sunny in Durham

2008-10-11T11:07:00.003-04:00

Let's get dressed up and have a garden party . . .

Blog Blogis Gratia

2008-10-09T11:10:00.002-04:00

So our big day is fast approaching. Eight days ago I started a new job and today is the day that I do my first real experiment. Today is also the day that my parents come into town and the true beginning of the weekend. With all the activities and responsibilities looming, I felt that I really wasn't going to get any time to blog after this morning, so I should do it now.

Of course, I don't actually have anything to say. I'm a little nervous, a little excited, a little stressed. But none of that makes for interesting reading by the masses. I have no final bits of wisdom or trivia, no hifalutin thoughts about the nature of marriage or the significance of this particular marriage either to our own lives or the lives of our families and friends. I certainly don't have the time or energy to compose some rambling, humorous post with witty parenthetical asides. I'm worried we've forgotten to take care of something, although if we have forgotten to take care of something it pretty much isn't going to be taken care of.

I guess I just want it to happen already! C'mon, future!

It was just like any other day.

2008-10-08T11:16:00.003-04:00

All week I keep hearing about things I'd love to do this weekend if I weren't busy, you know, getting married. There's a big game at UNC, not to mention good Big 10 match-ups on television all afternoon. Several appealing movies are opening, and the NC Museum of Art is showing a classic Claude Sautet film. The Kickin' Grass Band is playing at Cat's Cradle - we've been to no live shows since we moved down here, and this is one that would inspire me to get out of the house. Also on Saturday night is Campout Carolina, a night of electricity-free solidarity in support of a healthier environment.

And as much as I prefer fresh air to electricity, you better believe I am sleeping indoors all weekend.

Cost Cutting and More Cutting

2008-10-07T11:29:00.005-04:00

I picked up our programs and menus this morning. They look lovely. Remember when I asked why offset printers could charge such radically different prices for the same job? Well, I found out.

We went with the cheapest printer. We supplied our own stock - unbleached, recycled paper. They wrecked it. I don't know how, but they wrecked it. They couldn't explain why or how, but I doubt they are secretly hoarding my paper, so I believe they wrecked it.

They replaced it with their own virgin paper. So, not only are our programs not printed on (expensive) unbleached, recycled paper - we used twice as much paper as actually necessary. We are definitely not getting that LEED Platinum certificate now.

Hey, thanks trees! Nice knowin' ya!

I'm gonna go set some carbon credits on fire . . .

Manifest Destiny by Alexis Rockman, Brooklyn Museum of Art

What Is Lasting

2008-10-06T10:16:00.004-04:00

So, our wedding will take place in five days, and today is also the feast of Saint Bruno, whose name only sounds the same as my future in-laws' surname. There is no family connection to the saint, but Bruno families around the world probably consider him to be a patron. He is a good man for the job.

Saint Bruno was born in 1030 in Cologne, and he had a fast rise from promising student to professor to presumptive new bishop of Reims. Bruno lived in tumultuous times. His own diocese was rattled by an abusive prelate and the battle to remove him. In Rome, Emperor Henry IV was resisting the church-wide reform efforts of Pope Gregory VII, going so far as to establish an antipapacy in Ravenna.

In the midst of all this turmoil, Bruno's esteem rose among many parties. The clergy of Reims sought his leadership, and Gregory sought his counsel. Bruno, though, longed for a simple life, attached only to prayer and work, eschewing power and influence. During his years in Gregory's closest confidence, Bruno took care to keep himself always in the background. His mission was to free the church from corruption and politics, not to defeat Henry.

Anyhow, the thing I most want to tell you about him is that Bruno, during his journeys toward and away from centers of power and conflict established two monasteries. The first was at a remote spot in the Alps known as Chartreuse, from which the Carthusian Order grew and gets its name. You may also know the liquor called Chartreuse, which the monks distilled and sold to support the maintenance of their houses, and which today is still sold in support of various charities.

The Carthusians live lives of great simplicity and quiet. They rarely speak except to pray. Each act - including prayer - is undertaken at the slowest practical pace. Their charism is captured by their motto: "Stat crux, dum volvitur orbis," which means, "The cross stands while the world is changing."

An acclaimed film was made about the monastery of Grande Chartreuse. The images literally defy words, which is surely the point:

Can you imagine what Saint Bruno would have thought about our modern wedding rituals? What today's Carthusians think of us - if they even know what we're up to? These ceremonies - ostensibly dedicated to the making permanent of something that is imperiled by human whims - have become binges of frippery. Michael and I are as guilty of it as anyone else - each argument we have had about paper, flowers and wine is venal. What will last after Saturday? Where shall we turn our focus?

We have five days left until our wedding. This week, we are going to approach life with our eyes turned toward what is permanent. Whatever is picayune and vain and worrisome is forbidden. Any thought that provokes me to anger is banished.

Each time the Bruno name is said or seen on Saturday, I will consider it a tiny prayer for the aid of Saint Bruno in keeping calm and quiet, and caring most about what is lasting.

Convicted of DWI: Disproportionate Welcoming & Itineraries

2008-10-03T11:07:00.005-04:00

Are you familiar with this theory of "maximizers" vs. "satisficers?" I am unambiguously a maximizer, and I really encourage everyone to join our side, because it results in very rewarding weekends. I may not be very organized in every aspect of my life, but I do keep an hour-by-hour itinerary of each Friday through Sunday - and I never look back and regret wasting my days off.

Anyhow - I think we have done a lot to help you maximize your trip. You have the data you need to make serious meal plans. You have two great maps of Durham's organic highlights. And, a smattering of other "local color" suggestions.

But, I just made one more helpful thing for a friend, and I thought, "Why keep it a secret?"

At Duke University, the Sarah P. Duke Gardens and the Viñoly-designed Nasher Museum of Art are both world-class institutions. The Nasher's current show of Spanish masters includes some of my favorite paintings by Juan Sánchez Cotán. Best of all, the Garden and Museum entrances are just two blocks apart, and neither one is too big for a short, satisfying visit.

For those of you staying at the Marriott and not renting a car, here are your instructions for making an easy Saturday morning visit to these local treasures:

Step 1: Walk from Marriott to the DATA (transit) terminal.
Directions: Exit from the hotel's north doors - onto the civic center plaza. The Carolina Theater is on your left. Walk in that direction, then along Morgan Street. The DATA terminal is about a block ahead.

Step 2: Buy an unlimited-ride 1-day pass ($2).

Step 3: Take the Route 6 bus.
Directions: The bus leaves every 30 minutes on the hour and half-hour.

Step 4: Deboard the bus at Duke University Road & Anderson Street.
Directions: You will see the Nasher Museum of Art at this intersection.
Note: Chapel Hill Street changes into Duke University Road on campus. They are in fact the same roadway. Don't let this confuse you.

Step 5: Visit the Museum, then the Garden.
Directions: From the Museum, the garden is one two blocks north on Anderson Street. Anyone in the area can point the way.

Step 6: Don't miss the return bus!
Directions: From where you got off, the bus returns on the opposite side of the street. Be there by :20 or :40 past the hour.

Reaching the Garden & Museum from the Courtyard (and nearby hotels) is not as simple by public transportation, but it's worth noting that it is an easy 2 miles on foot.

Something Gold Can Stay

2008-10-02T11:22:00.006-04:00

Not even our guests are likely to get a close glimpse at our rings, so it doesn't seem like spoiling any surprise to show some photos up here.

Michael and I exchanged engagement rings back in 2006. He gave me mine on my birthday - July 3 - what should have been a big fireworks night in Coney Island, but instead the atmospheric entertainment was provided by lightning. We had Astroland almost entirely to ourselves, and got to ride the Cyclone twice before all the rides shut down. Disappointed about missing the Wonder Wheel - and completely oblivious to the special moment approaching - I was grumpy. I didn't want to walk on the beach ("It's wet and filthy!") or down the boardwalk ("Are you trying to get us mugged?!"), all I wanted were clam strips and funnel cake, and if I were Michael I would have changed my mind.

My ring was a Tiffany silver ring, shaped like a pillow. Michael had wandered all over town on the preceding Sunday in the blazing heat, trying to find something unique for me, but not too expensive. He was still in graduate school at that point. Thwarted by all the local shops closed for the holiday weekend, and his admittedly poor memory for addresses, he trekked 15 blocks up Fifth Avenue through the steam and the throng to Engagement Central. He made a beautiful choice.

The fact that Michael decided to spring the question first gave me an opening to shop at a more leisurely (and less sweaty) pace for his ring. I had time to find a well regarded local jeweler in the East Village, Little King. I even took Michael there, ostensibly to look for wedding bands. Then, I had to sneak 100 blocks back downtown at my lunch hour to actually order the ring, and again to pick it up, in order to give it to him at Christmas Eve dinner, hidden under his coffee cup.

Those two rings no longer exist, but here is how they looked on that Christmas Eve:

We had the cockamamie idea of combining the rings together to make our wedding bands. Back in May, when we were both in New York for work, we took them to Little King to test the idea out, and it was met with enthusiasm.

Last week, the finished product arrived in a padded FedEx envelope. We had my mom and sister check the inscriptions so that we wouldn't accidentally spoil the surprise. They are beyond beautiful; they are perfect; they are entirely and perfectly ours.

We still haven't put them on, and we will probably wait to do so until the moment arrives for us to say: "With this ring I marry you, and with all my worldly goods endow you."

Perfect in 10

2008-10-02T09:14:00.006-04:00

I don't trust the Weather Channel very much, particularly since reading a funny article about their numerous foibles and failures in the New Yorker back in 2000. Things have improved a lot in eight years, but the 10-day forecast is still reliably unreliable, and my real favorite weather source doesn't bother with the crap shoot that is a forecast longer than five days.

Nonetheless, we are now within the "envelope" of professional weather prediction, and it is looking mighty fine!

From my direct observation, I have one very solid prediction: it's going to be chilly after dark. Assuming that the weather is more likely to get cooler than warmer over the next 10 days, I want to strongly reiterate to our female guests the particular importance of bringing a sweater, jacket or wrap.

You Better Shop Around

2008-09-30T16:50:00.002-04:00

After complaining bitterly about our vendors, I had lovely conversations today with two of them. How annoying! Where is my righteous indignation now?!

Even though I hadn't ever spoken to either of these vendors, they were totally familiar with our wedding. One told me she knows our farmers/hosts and they are all excited about our celebration, and the other said she's planning to visit our site tomorrow. What an unexpectedly high level of customer service . . .

In other vendor-twilight-zone moments, I received these five quotes for our remaining printing needs: $492, $320, $286, $251, $161. Those are five radically different prices for the exact same print job! What gives?

Just As Unique As You Are

2008-09-29T11:02:00.005-04:00

I'll admit to reading wedding blogs and watching wedding shows and skimming wedding magazines in the check-out line. It's a fun thing that one is only allowed to do (justifiably) for a few months. It's as if you only get one Christmas in your whole life - you maximize and exploit the opportunity.

In the spirit of over-doing it, it's great to try to get wedding ideas from the mainstream, heterosexual-dominated Matrimonial Industrial Complex. Our wedding will be a lot like straight people's weddings, with the flowers and the music and catering and stuff. Why not take some cues from their awesome celebrations?

But this morning, I learned from a particularly bizarre forum on Weddingbee that apparently many straight people don't want to share their wedding media with us, and they certainly don't want to highlight gay people's experiences on their websites. Apparently bandwidth - and compassion and justice - are in short supply.

But we need our space on those websites and magazines and TV shows - and it's not just to make a political point. Until there is enough gay-specific wedding media out there, you awesome/crazy brides have got to share with us!

Their "cover" argument is that highlighting gay weddings creates a "separate but equal" situation - that since gay people's weddings are just like straight people's weddings, there's no need to give them their own online space. Obviously, this is a strawman. It doesn't take a minute's thought to see why a gay bride or groom might specifically want to look at pictures of a gay wedding.

Here are some of the tricky questions that we have had to navigate, with little guidance from the Knot or Martha Stewart or those ridiculous shows on Oxygen and We:

What do two grooms wear? Should they match or contrast or complement each other? What have other grooms done, and what looks good? Where on earth can we find enough good pictures of enough beautiful weddings to get some ideas?

How do two grooms dance together? Should we play it up, or play it down? Choreography? Just boogie around like a couple of fools? What does a two-groom foxtrot look like? Beautiful or ridiculous? Where can we see examples?

How do two grooms walk up the aisle? How can we capture the traditional spirit of the wedding procession, while acknowledging what's different, but doing it in a simple and subtle way? What have other couples - male and female - done? Who has the pictures and who can explain their line of reasoning?

What are some "new traditions" to replace or supplement the old (but fun!) hetero-normative ones, like the bouquet and garter tosses and the classic Midwestern Shot Line? There must be hundreds of stories of what worked and what didn't - we need to see options that fit our style and our celebration. Show us!

So, we're not being greedy or "political" when we ask for something like Queer Wedding Wednesdays. Maybe there's a money-making idea out there for me to establish my own Queer Weddings version of the Knot (hey - I'm patenting that right this second).

I can't deny that looking at pictures of same-sex and other queer weddings brings the political issues of marriage equality and justice right to the forefront, right in front of your face as you're trying to do something as light-hearted as choose a letterpress printer or a cake flavor. But that's exactly the point - letting us share in the fun in a way that works for everybody will quickly and finally lay all these tensions and debates to rest.

Where are my awesome brides at? LOVE YOU LADIES!

Nightmare on Charlotte Street

2008-09-24T11:28:00.002-04:00

It is very common for me, and many other people, to have anxiety dreams when they are stressed. And while Emerson and I have thrown our fair share of large parties, this is by far the biggest and most expensive and thus it is obviously a cause for a fair bit of stress. And the lack of any real responsiveness from the vendors has done nothing to east that anxiety. Consequently I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Every night (and I am not exaggerating about the "every") I have had a wedding-related nightmare. In my dream world, everything that can possibly go wrong has.

Some were simple. I have forgotten to arrange shuttle buses and so no one comes. The DJ didn't have any of the music we want to play. The brass quintet didn't show up.

Some were more complex. The cat got loose and we had to find her; why the cat was at the wedding is still unknown. Emerson and I and a small entourage left early in search of a bar because we needed to find a particular beer JLaw had once in Brooklyn four years ago. Oh, and it was snowing.

But by far my favorite nightmare was the one in which we forgot to have a) the cocktail hour, b) the first dance, c) the toasts, and d) the dessert. Everyone was done so quickly that the wedding only lasted 30 min. And yet we somehow still managed to run out of alcohol.

Yet what freaks me out the most is that I have yet to have the mother of all nightmares, the only event that is, unlike my missing cat, actually likely to screw us over: the nightmare in which it rains.

Frendors and Venemies - Pick Up Your Phones!

2008-09-18T10:53:00.008-04:00

I raise money for a living. I have done so for several years. Some parts of my job are difficult - writing long proposals, organizing big events, preparing complicated budgets. But perhaps the easiest and most important part of my job is returning phone calls. It is often the tiny, crucial difference between yes and no from a donor. I want to teach our vendors the why and how of using telephones to make money.

To assess their current competence with regard to telephony, I have created this short quiz:

1. Let's say you are the manager of a transportation company. You receive an email from a customer confirming coach service for a date four weeks from today. You reply with a terse email demanding a phone call and immediate payment. The customer quickly dials the number you have provided. What do you do? Do you a.) answer the phone or b.) let it go to voicemail? If you answered b.), do you ignore the message or reply?

2. Let's say you are the manager of a wine store. An engaged couple has visited your store to talk about wine selections for their upcoming wedding. Of course, you are extremely courteous and helpful in discussing their preferences and their budget. You send them home with a few bottles to taste, and tell them to email you with their entire order within a week. You provide the store's email address and emphasize that they should write, "Attn: Manager" in the subject line. They send you an order amounting to almost $2,000 of wine - a major and serious purchase for this young couple. Do you reply to thank them and confirm their order and arrange for payment? Or, do you leave them hanging with no response for 5, 6, 7 days???

3. Let's say you are the menswear manager of a small, posh boutique. An engaged couple has ordered custom formalwear for their wedding. They are prepared to spend more on these garments than they have ever spent for anything other than their car. After they place their order, let's say you make a little forgivable mistake, and forget to send it along to the workshop. But, that's okay! You fix the problem in plenty of time. Later, one of the grooms phones you to check on the delivery date. You say, "They have not arrived yet, but I'll check on them, and call you right back!" What do you do? Do you check on it and call back right away? Or do you ignore the question and never call back at all???

I know some of these questions may be tricky for neophytes, luddites and (apparently) people who make their living through sales. But try your best! There could be a career in it!

The Pints Go Marzen In

2008-09-11T16:18:00.007-04:00

A few days ago we realized that, while we had spent a fair amount of time trying to choose wines to serve, we had spent relatively little time thinking about beer. We didn't want to be lazy and serve Corona or some crap like that. And while my love and admiration for Yuengling is greater than should be allowable for a mass-produced domestic lager, the committee voted it down. And by "committee" I mean Emerson.

So we toyed around with the idea of serving local craft brews, which fits in very well with our focus on locally produced and sustainable food choices. But while the Triangle actually has a great selection and variety of microbrews, they tend to run close to 10 bucks a six-pack. Add the 75c "corking" fee per bottle if we choose not to get Heinekens from the caterer (like that would even be a choice) and we have another case of the committee voting in the negative. And by "committee" I mean me.

So if you can't go with the oldest beer in the country, and you can't go local, what's left? Seasonal! We're both suckers for Oktoberfestbiers, and a pale lager that's not over-hopped seemed perfect for a late summer / early fall wedding. But with so many craft beers as well as major labels making a beer they call "Oktoberfest", exactly how do you choose?...

Beer tasting! Last weekend Emerson I and trucked our way over to the beer store (a chore, I know), and snatched up every beer labeled "Oktoberfest" or that had some sort of visual aid on the bottle that implied we should be drinking it in October, such as an orange leaf or a scarecrow. And then we sat down in front of the Mets game (watched them kick the Phillies' collected asses, but I digress) and tasted away. With notes!

Almost every beer we tried would have sufficed, since we culled the obvious losers at the store, but we pretty much landed on two. First, Spaten. Made in the traditional Marzen style, it's pale with just enough sweetness to balance out the light hops. It's truly refreshing and a quintessential Oktoberfestbier. (Of course, nothing else in this wedding is German and importing twelve-ounce bottles from across the Atlantic isn't exactly sustainable, but I refuse to dwell upon this fact any longer than this parenthetical statement). Our second choice isn't technically an Oktoberfestbier, though to it's credit it doesn't claim to be: Redhook Late Harvest. A classic American red ale, it was full flavored yet smooth; should be a great choice to go with dinner, especially if the weather is on the cooler side. Also, it's from New Hampshire; the connection should be obvious.

Now, I suppose this also an appropriate time to wax nostalgic over my halcyon days as a study abroad student and my October excursion to Munich and the Hofbrauhaus, a madcap adventure that I'm sure was entirely unique to me and my buddy Adam and that no other college student experienced in the years leading up to, or the years following, that fateful trip where I drank beer out of comically gigantic glasses with 2,000 other American and English college students and which is undeniably the most authentic experience one can possibly have in a foreign country. But I won't mention it, because it has little to do with my big gay wedding 12 years later. Although I am now vaguely inspired to start a new blog all about the utterly unique and unprecedented experiences I had in college...

The Real Meaning of Nonplussed

2008-09-11T15:48:00.002-04:00

We are now projecting attendance in the 80-88 range. Down from 105 last week (and as many as 115 earlier this summer). I guess this is the double-edged sword of a "destination" wedding. It's plenty of people to have a good time - but still feels a little disappointing.

The upside is, I am no longer the least bit stressed about the budget. The downside is, I'm worried that the scale of some of our choices (especially the tent) is too big for this party now.

Loosen Your Belts, Visitors

2008-09-10T09:50:00.005-04:00

The primary reason we wanted to get married in Durham is that we live here - being the control freaks we are, we couldn't imagine planning a distant wedding (even though it might have benefited our mental health). The second reason is that we could stretch our money much, much farther here than we could in New York or Connecticut.

The third reason - almost as important as the first two - is that Durham is a food mecca, one of the real centers of the farm-to-table movement. Not only have we striven to make our wedding embody those principles (most of the food will have traveled only a few miles, and much of it only a few yards), but we really want to encourage our out-of-town guests to experience some of the culinary treasures that Durham and Chapel Hill have to offer.

But you don't have to take our word for it! Bon Appetit is calling Durham-Chapel Hill "America's Foodiest Small Town!"

We included a big guide to our favorite Durham food-and-drink spots with the invitation, so that guests could plan their dining itinerary in advance. (How many times have you arrived in an unfamiliar town for a wedding only to end up eating in the hotel or at the diner across the street?)

I have reproduced our guide below (with links!) and added some more suggestions that couldn't fit in the print version. It's going to be a busy weekend, so plan and call ahead!

Piedmont is our favorite restaurant. Local, fresh, seasonal food inspired by French and Italian country cuisine. Superb wine and cocktail list. Also great for brunch. Reservations required 919-683-1213.

Brightleaf Square. This tobacco warehouse was one of the first turned into a shopping and dining destination. On Friday evenings there is live music in the picturesque courtyard, and locals are really raving about newly opened Piazza Italia, especially the gelato. However, do not fail to cross the street to The Federal for the best fries and French-Mexican-pub-grub in Durham and a terrific selection of local brews. Or, go around the corner to Pop’s (919-956-7677) on Peabody Street, a trattoria and pizzeria focused on local ingredients and housed in an old laundry.

Rue Cler is a new and very popular French restaurant and bakery just steps away from the Marriott, great for lunch, dinner or just an espresso. Reservations suggested 919-682-8844.

American Tobacco Campus. Across from the Durham Bulls park, the ATC has several restaurants with comfortable outdoor seating. We like Tyler’s Taproom with its extensive beer list, good pub food and always-crowded poolroom.

Pizza Palace is our local pizza joint in an old barn with a huge picture of Elvis in the window and some of the best New York pizza outside the boroughs. No, seriously.

Front Street. There are several restaurants right across the street from the Courtyard including cheap Chinese and Mexican, should you have a craving. For something very nice, we recommend Papa’s Grille, an upscale Greek-influenced restaurant for dinner or drinks in its elegant bar (Reservations suggested 919-383-8502). The Front Street Café serves excellent salads and panini at lunch time and delicious cinnamon rolls in the morning.

Ninth Street. Choices abound in this pedestrian-friendly old-fashioned shopping neighborhood. For breakfast try Elmo’s Diner for eggs and country ham or the Mad Hatter’s Bakeshop for croissants and pastries. For lunch or dinner we recommend Vin Rouge (Reservations required 919-416-0406), a classic French bistro, Blu Seafood & Bar (919-286-9777), or Dain’s Place for some of the best burgers in town. The newest addition to the neighborhood is Ox & Rabbit, a soda shop straight out of the 1950s.

Ninth Street is also home to probably Durham's most famous restaurant, the Magnolia Grill, the temple - if not the birthplace - of New Southern Cuisine. This place has been listed on countless "Best Of" lists since the 1980s, and the restaurant and its owners are multiple James Beard Award nominees and winners.

Watts Grocery. The restaurant owned by the chef catering our wedding, also featuring new interpretations of Southern classics and Southern twists on bistro favorites. Great for brunch or dinner. Stop by late night for some hushpuppies or red velvet cake at the bar (Reservations suggested 919-416-5040). And when you’re finished, head next door to the Green Room, the dive bar from “Bull Durham.”

In the Forest Hills neighborhood just south of downtown (nothing is far in our little city), is the small culinary empire of Scott Howell. The flagship restaurant is Nana's, where Howell's years of apprenticeship under David Bouley are really evident. Next door, Howell has recently opened an excellent and interesting wood-fired pizzeria called Rockwood Filling Station. On the same block, Howell runs an unimpressive Texas-style barbecue shop, for unknown reasons.

For a mix of local seafood and flown-in fish prepared in local styles, a funky Durham spot is Bennett Point Grill. A bit out of the way, but well worth it for the good, inexpensive food and relaxed vibe. Nearby is Bennett Place, historic farmhouse and site of the largest surrender of the Civil War. Bennett Point and Bennett Place juxtapose important, interesting elements of Carolina culture. Make it a daytrip!

Chapel Hill also has enough destination dining to fill an entire blog of its own. Sticking near to the Franklin Street corridor (the main axis through town), you'll encounter A Southern Season, the Angkor Wat of food shops, and its cafe The Weathervane; the Lantern, dedicated to local ingredients but adding an uncommon Asian flare and speakeasy-like lounge in the back; and Crook's Corner, a true Southern classic as evidenced by the constant crowds.

Some of you will not be satisfied with tasting only the barbecue we serve you at the reception, and we hope some will take this trip to North Carolina as a porcine pilgrimage. There are countless mediocre barbecue joints claiming to be authentic, but only two we really recommend. Allen & Son serves archetypal eastern barbecue done perfectly along with delicious Brunswick Stew in Chapel Hill. Dillard's serves an amazing kind of barbecue that is unique to Durham and found nowhere else - absolutely memorable, but closed on Sunday.

Once you have eaten your way through all these suggestions, you will be ready to move down here and live by us. That's when we'll start talking about the best Indian, Thai, Japanese and Mexican food in the area!

Crafty!

2008-09-03T21:45:00.007-04:00

For each weekend left until the wedding, we have little projects, mostly arts and crafts. Thankfully, we know that all the really big stuff is covered (catering, venue, music, ceremony). I'm glad we got those things out of the way so we could feel free to try some slightly outlandish (for us) things that might fail, knowing they are of minor importance.

Our first project was actually rather successful. We are using the very traditional two-card seating system. Each guest will pick up an "escort card" upon entering the reception tent, and then at each seat will be a "place card." I believe that giving people specific seating assignments helps alleviate the awkwardness of choosing your spot at a "mixed" table of friends and strangers.

It only came to mind recently that this system doesn't exactly lend itself to an outdoor wedding. Lots of little pieces of paper flying around is neither charming nor particularly "green." Fortunately, we are not the first people to seek a way to hold those little cards down.

Somewhere in my obsessive scouring of the internet's matrimonial treasures, I found a picture of an escort table crisscrossed with ribbon. It looked quite lovely – very formal, and a bit more interesting than some of the simpler options. I filed it away in my mind, but later – couldn't remember where I had seen it.

Fortunately, this project is more popular as a bulletin board than as a tabletop, so applicable examples and instructions were widely available. Also, Michael and I – although not artsy/craftsy – are also not total idiots. Thanks to the crafts store that bears my fiancé's name, we were able to assemble enough ribbon, scrap booking supplies and double-sided tape (no hot glue guns - that's a serious level of commitment) to make this happen.

The downside of this project is that I spent hours looking for the escort-table idea that I had remembered but failed to bookmark. In doing so, I saw so many - dozens upon dozens! - of great place card ideas. I felt so inferior to all these creative folks! I realized how many cool, creative projects we hadn't even tried. But I didn't want to change course. A simple, utilitarian display is infinitely more "our style" than any cool deployment of corks, pine cones, seashells or origami.

And I am sure that no one will show up to our wedding having just spent hours clicking through galleries at The Knot or MS Weddings. I hope not, anyway!

Update: Look what somebody else posted today (!): http://tinyurl.com/682455

No Postage Required if Mailed in the United States

2008-09-03T21:09:00.005-04:00

I started to worry about seating charts. As in many things, I wanted to get a head start on what I know from experience can be a complicated and tedious task.

So, we developed a system. Using color-coded Post-It notes, we began arranging guests at 13 tables. It was fun at first. Give me a yellow! (Confirmed attendee.) Give me a blue! (Expected, but not confirmed). We need two purples over here! (Seat fillers, like at the Oscars.)

Unfortunately, fun turned to frustrating quickly. Do you want to know why - and how you can help?

Because we are waiting for 98 RSVPs! I know, I know - you have 9 days still to reply. But why wait?! Give us a hand people, send them in - especially if we don't know if we are holding 0, 2, 4 or 6 seats for you!

So, we tried and tried to figure out a seating chart and all the possible permutations of classmates, distant relatives and political confederates. As you can see from the visual evidence on the right, we eventually hit a wall and - shamefully! - resorted to drowning our sorrows in fruity cocktails.

Keep us out of rehab! Send your postage-paid RSVP cards today!

(n.b., These fruity cocktails are not a preview of what will be served at our wedding reception.)

Cut Your Coat According to your Cloth

2008-08-31T18:08:00.008-04:00

As part of our total resistance to the Matrimonial-Industrial Complex, Michael and I decided on vintage clothes for our wedding. One should wear to one's wedding what makes one happiest and most comfortable. For us, rented tuxedos would not fit the bill.

We have also been determined neither to dress alike nor to somehow mock heterosexual weddings. And, we needed clothing suitable for a daytime, outdoor wedding on a farm. Therefore, it should be festive but casual, and eschew black and white.

(At right: Clip-on bowties and red rose boutonnieres lead to fake smiles, regret.)

Our choices engendered some controversy. I found a Hickey-Freeman flannel suit ($75 on eBay), and I thought it would look great alongside a gorgeous midnight-blue cashmere blazer I gave Michael for Christmas. Well, let me say the idea of one groom wearing a suit and the other wearing a blazer - in spite of the casual, outdoor character of the wedding - caused what some would call a kerfuffle. I was seemingly alone in my indifference as to whether our formality coefficients would be precisely equal.

Michael did have a backup option, which was a Zegna suit ($50 at Housing Works thrift shop) whose beauty practically brought the tailor to tears. But I, for one, find this suit to be a tiny bit corporate corporate, and was frankly getting a bit annoyed with the formality-gradient debate. Flannel and cashmere in a meadow in October? Who on earth could find fault with that?!

Fortunately, we had on our team an objective judge: Ronnie, menswear manager and stylist extraordinaire at Julian's (the "mecca of preppie" as it is called in one of the press clips proudly displayed there). We went last weekend to pick up our suits, having had them altered by the in-store tailor. With issues of fit and finish aside, it was possible to evaluate the "look."

Ronnie admitted that the blazer would look just a notch less formal than the suit. But he quickly added two important caveats: that one must consider the time and setting, and that accessories would matter enormously.

Over an hour we pored over ties, pocket squares, vests and shirts. As we identified beautiful combinations - and Ronnie has a very bold eye, which suits us - we grew happier and more comfortable. It was also delightful to spend an afternoon wearing our suits and our new shoes, and feeling at ease in them.

The conclusion: Michael is going to wear his gorgeous midnight-blue cashmere blazer. With an elegant vest, rich tie and bold pocket square, his ensemble equates or exceeds the formality of my flannel suit. We also found coordinating but not matching (Good God, not matching!) Ike Behar ties, so that we look as we feel: distinct, complementary, inseparable.

(At right: Ike Behar, doing his part to make us look good, even without all that dramatic lighting.)

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin' . . .

2008-08-31T16:38:00.004-04:00

Sorry for light posting this week! Hectic at work getting things done in advance of the long weekend. And, as I've mentioned before, it's hard to find the kernel of "interesting" in all the little projects we've been doing.

Tonight we're starting to make seating charts, and that should constitute the kind of emotionally piqued experience that results in an amusing post. We have bought all the equipment for our centerpieces and tested out the design (more on that soon). We also did our first (only?) big craft project, which was a grosgrain-criss-crossed surface for our escort table (more on that coming, too).

Big upcoming challenges include getting our wine selections finalized and ordered and dealing with the printing of our ceremony programs and menu cards.

Meanwhile, we have to buy a car, which is not the sort of task I like to modify with a meanwhile. Parting with anything more than $25 requires my unwavering (read: obsessive, anxious, neurotic) attention. I'm a little bit frugal.

Georgia On My Mind

2008-08-26T10:19:00.004-04:00

This is not a political blog. Certainly the very subject of gay marriage touches on the political and we have occasionally waxed philosophical on current events and social relevance of marriage equality. But this is not a place for political musings, per se.

Except in this post, where I voice my wholehearted support for Russian dominance over pesky former Soviet republics. This might strike you as against my heretofore support for the plight of the Georgian people and my previous pronouncements of Russians as "sneaky" or "evil" or "drunks". But it will be more understandable if you realize that the Russians inevitably have their sights on Ukraine and you may remember that our dance instructor, Yuliya, is Ukrainian and as of last week it is my sincerest wish that Yuliya and all of her people suffer miserably in a Soviet gulag where they are forced to teach salsa to rhythmless orangutans with anger management deficiencies.

This is because Yuliya, during what I believe to have been a beautiful executed left-end leap into a well-structured twinkle, crinkled her nose with a look of disgust which suggested I had just shat directly onto her feet and said, in a tone unbecoming of a lady or educator, "Can you even hear the music?" This was promptly followed by a suggestion that from now on maybe Emerson should lead. Needless to say, Yuliya will not be invited to the wedding. And I am seriously considering launching an investigation into her credentials because in all my years of ballroom dancing I have never witnessed such an obvious lapse in judgment. This will only serve to inflate Emerson's already bloated ego as well as cause irreparable damage to my increasingly fragile self-image. I hope Yuliya is satisfied with herself.

The Weekend Only a Mother Could Love

2008-08-21T14:04:00.005-04:00

Mom is on her way from Georgia right now, to pitch in with all our final-stretch projects. I'm very excited to see the dress she picked out, in her signature green, and to shop for shoes and accessories to go with it. I'm also excited to start chiseling away at many little worries and details, so that can we sail into October with not a care in the world!

Thursday p.m.: Pick up more wine samples. Shop at the craft store for hurricane lamps, floral supplies, wreath forms and picture frames. Discuss rehearsal dinner plans.
Friday noon: The Tasting!!!
Friday p.m.: Squeal with excitement about the food. Bask in the glow. Shop for shoes and accessories.
Saturday a.m.: Final fitting of our suits, meet with stylist. (You heard right: stylist.)
Saturday p.m.: Shop for cake stand (or appropriate supplies to make one). Paint flower pots and practice assembling centerpieces. Get a little drunk, then practice dancing.
Sunday a.m.: Site visit possible. Big breakfast with George Stephanopoulos on the tube much more likely.

I am so happy and grateful that we planned so much so early (and were such pains in the neck to so many vendors), because all these little tasks are just fun.

Revised/Tentative Ceremony Music

2008-08-21T11:50:00.003-04:00

Working with the brass quintet leader is fun. Starting with some raw ideas, we are shaping a great program together. The music - it is hoped - will suit the occasion and our taste as well as the enjoyment of the musicians. They should have fun, too, right?

Prelude: Three movements from Verne Reynolds (b. 1926) Suite for Brass Quintet.
Procession: One movement from Victor Ewald (1860-1935) Brass Quintent No. 1 in B-flat minor.
Psalm: "Boze! Boze! Písen novou" from Antonín Dvorák (1841-1904) Biblical Songs Op. 99.
Interlude: One movement from Paul Hindemith (1895-1963) "Morgenmusik."
Hymn: "Seek Ye First" by Karen Lafferty (b. 1948).
Recession: Three songs from Charles Ives (1874-1954) Four Songs for Brass Quintet.

Roommates Wanted

2008-08-19T17:48:00.002-04:00

Over the last week or so, several people have asked me if I knew anyone who needed to share a room; I of course said I'd keep my ear out. And as I work diligently to play wedding guest matchmaker, I thought I'd open this post up for those who wish to bypass my immensely awesome skills.

So feel free to use the comment section to find your dream hotel-mate....

My Turn

2008-08-14T14:03:00.005-04:00

Emerson left yesterday for his bachelor party, much like I left him last month for Andrew's. I must admit, while I haven't become as stupid as he became without me, it's surprising how quickly the house feels empty, even with the zoo we currently have. It's nice to be able to make a full pot of coffee and know it will be consumed; I so made too much this morning. But that's ingrained behavior for you.

I have been able to distract myself, though, with thoughts of my own bachelor party! Unlike Emerson's mine does not involve hiking up a mountain without electricity. It does, however, involve burlesque. And 80s Night.

I also have like two days to figure out what I want inscribed inside Emerson's ring. He's thoughtful and sweet and I'm a cynical jackass. The only two things I've come up with are "Property of Michael" and "Last Chance For Love". This is causing me more stress than I imagined it would. Maybe I should conduct a Facebook poll...

Journey to the Mountaintop

2008-08-12T17:18:00.008-04:00

In 12 hours I leave for my no-doubt unmatchable bachelor weekend. (I neglected to include the committee in my Groomtourage post! Oops!) The high point (har har) of the weekend will be climbing 4,000 feet of Mount Moosilauke on Friday with some of my best friends.

Most of this trip will involve drinking whiskey and playing poker in a primitive cabin in the White Mountains. However, a couple of other incongruous highlights include catching a "reality chamber opera" called Tim Gunn's Podcast as well as a minor league ball game between the NH Fisher Cats and the Harrisburg Senators. A gay groom's bachelor party has to be a crazy pastiche, right?

As excited as I am about all that, there is one other planned activity that is really making my heart race.

Tomorrow afternoon, I'll be taking our two rings - which have hardly left our hands for two years - to be cut up, melted down, welded, sawed, shaved - whatever it is that the rocking jewelers at Little King want to do. And from two well worn, deeply loved rings we'll have two brand new deeply lovable wedding rings.

I have the inscription for Michael's ring on a post-it note in my wallet right now, I hope it's the right one!

(n.b. Ignore the date stamp on that photo - the picture is actually from Christmas 2006.)

Groomtourage

2008-08-12T12:03:00.004-04:00

Marrying is a team sport. (Get ready for more sports metaphors, I'm high on the Olympics right now.)

Not only do you have your primary team-mate (him to whom you are affianced), but you get the opportunity to assemble a cracker-jack squad of specialists. Most of these specialists are creative types, and like elite athletes they must be handled with the utmost level of respect and attention.

Our team at this point consists of no fewer than seven farmers, seven musicians, five speechmakers, four declaimers, three therapists, two DJs, two chefs, two visual artists, two jewelers, a tailor, a stylist, a photographer, a choreographer, an administrative assistant and countless personal advisers.

Working with all these brilliant people is a privilege and a responsibility. One can smooth the path, in a way, by aiming low - that is, making all one's own creative decisions and employing mere technicians to execute them. But, we were dedicated to a "collaborative" approach from an early stage. We wanted each of these superstars to bring his or her own viewpoint, enjoyment and artistry to the task. Consequently, we are engaged in deep, sometimes delicate conversations with each of them.

The newest additions to our team are the brass quintet and the tailor. We have just exchanged our first rally of emails with the quintet's leader, Sandy, having started with a number of outlandish musical suggestions. Her response was very thoughtful and sensitive to our taste - which she clearly understood - and now we have parried with a new set list. Our goal is to find music that they are truly excited to play, because we believe that will bring out their best talents.

Mr. Tabet is our tailor, and he too brings not only a reputation for extraordinary skill, but also a strong viewpoint as to how our suits should look. With his strong but unidentifiable accent and hard but pitying glare, he barks out orders like the tiny Bela Karolyi of menswear. Our bill for his services is a little more than double the money we paid for our suits to begin with! Nonetheless, it is a true pleasure to see his experience and competence, and to know that we have avoided the sad fate of the Ukrainian athletes last Friday.

You Should Be Dancing - Yeah! (We Should Maybe Not)

2008-08-12T11:18:00.007-04:00

Last night was the third of our five foxtrot lessons. On the upside, we have a routine! It involves such colorful elements as a left-end leap, a sway and a bunch of twinkles. Fortunately, the leap does not involve leaping, and the twinkles do not involve jazz hands (or fingers in any way); on the other hand, the sway is much more complicated than it sounds, requiring something called "arm style."

Another upside is that we get to wear our fabulous new shoes. There is mine on the right. Gorgeous, right? Thanks, Nordstrom Anniversary Sale!

So, you may be asking, what is the downside of our foxtrot lessons? Well, we are just terrible. Yuliya, our adorable, sweet, brilliant teacher, will never tell us so, but we can see it in her eyes. Her voice may be saying "Slow, slow, quick-quick!" But, her eyes are saying, "You dance like a pair of lobotomized rhinos."

The other downside is the flop-sweat. Gross, I know. We are guilty of some combination trying too hard, dancing too fast and raw terror. Perspiration is a vicious cycle, too - the more you worry about it, the faster it comes. Do you think Botox is a terrible idea? How about a Karate Kid-style headband? Yes, Sensei!

Labor in the Vineyards of the Internet

2008-08-08T14:16:00.000-04:00

Is it possible to get sick of wine? I mean, wine in general and in principle, not a particular wine.

I suppose there are those who have no love of wine, or elevated sensual experiences, or, you know, being alive. I cannot relate to those people. I am certainly not marrying any of them!

In addition to our well-documented quest for the right dinner wine (come over tomorrow for a tasting of the four finalists for Italian White of the Day), we are also planning a wine country honeymoon. So, I have spent many hours - in my predictable, pernickety way - studying all the vineyards and wineries of northern Sonoma and Mendocino counties to lay out an air-tight and endlessly thrilling itinerary.

For someone who lives in his head as much as I do, reading about wine is very enjoyable. It does not compare to direct experience, but the pleasure is not negligible.

Reading about the Vinicultural Areas we'll visit and the neighborhoods within them, and the vineyards of various sizes, various production and farming principles, different ownership schemes - I learned more planning this trip than I ever learned about wine just by tasting (and looking at labels) or studying a book. I learned a lot because I had to make so many decisions about what one could and should experience there.

Now, I have an idea what to look for when we go tasting. I know that in the Green Valley (which is part of the Russian River Valley, which is part of the Northern Sonoma AVA), we'll be tasting Pinot Noir and Chardonnay grown in the coolest, foggiest part of Sonoma. We'll be trying to mentally contrast what we taste with the Burgundian versions of those wines, and looking for the subtle differences among wines produced in a very tiny, somewhat homogeneous appellation.

I know that in the Dry Creek Valley, which is also part of the Northern Sonoma AVA, we will be tasting a lot of Zinfandel, the flagship grape of the area, which takes on an especially balanced and elegant character here due to the unusual combination of cool temperatures and bright sun (there is relatively little fog). We also know that in addition to Zinfandel, many producers are taking advantage of the climate and soil to produce Bordeaux- and Rhone-style wines.

I also know that we're visiting the one winery with a really good-looking owner.

And, I know that Route 128 between our B&B in Healdsburg and our oceanfront cottage in Elk is the Boulevard Champenoise, with sparkling Pinot and Chardonnay being tasted on both sides of the road, amid orchards and sheep pastures. I think that we should schedule our legal California wedding to take place on the same day that we guzzle a maximum amount of Anderson Valley bubbly.

All these words about wine remind me of the numerous studies that prove that expectations about a wine - or beliefs about its price - radically effect the way we taste it. I don't see that as a problem, necessarily, because it means that a good part of oenophilia is mental, and I can enjoy that part right here at my desk, whenever I please.

Philately Will Get You Everywhere

2008-08-07T14:54:00.005-04:00

Emerson recently posted about how the post office is making our lives miserable. Briefly, our reply card is a post card and thus requires only 27 cents of postage, but the post office only makes horrible, ugly tropical fruit post card stamps valued at 27 cents. Tropical fruit, while nice, does not "fit" with our invitation, which has more of a, well, let's just say non-tropical feel.

So after going so far as to calling the post office to find out if they were planning on issuing any other 27 cent stamps in the near future, we realized we would either have give up and put on a first class stamp or come up with another solution. We, of course, came up with another solution since when it comes to the matrimonial-industrial complex failure is not an option.

One of us (probably Emerson) had the brilliant idea that, while first-class stamps today may be 42 cents, they weren't always. At some point in U.S. history, they must have been 27 cents! So the solution becomes simple: Find out when that is, travel back in time and buy up one hundred 27 cent stamps! And by "travel back in time", I mean look on eBay...

Well, it turns out that the U.S. never had a 27 cent stamp before 2008; but back in the early 1990s, during the introduction of self-adhesive stamps, first class postage was 29 cents. And that was close enough for us.

Our second mission was to find an acceptable image that would work stylistically with our invitation. In the early 90s, there were so many wonderful varieties of stamps to choose from! Ducks! Thomas Jefferson! Eagles! More ducks! Squirrels! Wood ducks! Hearts! Various Olympic sports! We ultimately chose a stamp that went very well with our evergreen motif: a pine cone!

Our third mission was to find a seller, or sellers, who had 100 of these stamps from 1993, un-used, at a reasonable price. A book of 29 cent stamps is valued at $5.80 and a book of 42 cent stamps is valued at $8.40. So as long as we kept the price under $8.40 a book, we were spending no more than our most expensive 2008 option, which was a regular old Liberty Bell stamp. And unbelievably, we succeeded. Some guy in Michigan had 5 books of pine cone stamps from 1993 and he was selling them for only $7.50! And with a "bulk order" we only paid $1.00 for shipping! Score!

Grand total: 38.5 cents! To mail a post card. Because the idea of putting a kiwi on my beautiful reply card was so horrific that it gave me nightmares for a week.

And this is to what the matrimonial-industrial complex has reduced us.

UPDATE: Over drinks last night, Emerson pointed out that there were only 18 stamps in the books that we bought, not 20. That actually brings our total per stamp price, after shipping, to 43 cents! So I guess we didn't win, except insomuch as we refused to kowtow to the post office's cruel choice of stamps and ended up getting exactly what we wanted. And if you really stop to think about it, it was only an extra dollar over first class postage, and only $16 more than post card rates. And that's only like half a table-cloth!

It Is Cordial, and It Is on the Way

2008-08-07T13:59:00.003-04:00

There's no turning back now . . . invitations are in the mail! They are coming to you complete with carefully selected ink and paper, obsessively guarded design motifs, potentially confusing artwork and 1.4 ounces of pure love. Oh, and vintage postage stamps. But more on that in another post!

Click through for a sneak preview of what you'll find in your box on Saturday.

The surprise visual theme is evergreens - specifically longleaf pine and rosemary. These plants are not only symbolic (in a rather obvious way) but they can be associated with each stop on our journey, from New Hampshire to Fire Island to the Shawangunks to the Piedmont. Thanks again to our geniuses, David and Anders, who - by creating such a fantastic invitation - have set expectations very high for everything else!

Well, Would You Look at That?!

2008-07-31T12:03:00.005-04:00

We have already previewed the cool, stylish, eminently helpful info sheet that will be enclosed with our invitations. Those bad boys have since been redesigned and vastly improved (thanks, Dave!) and are headed by FTP to the offset printer as we speak.

For those of you who cannot wait a week, or those of you who won't be getting an invitation (sorry - we're just not that into you), Organic Gardening magazine has published a two-page round-up of cool spots in the now-hot town of Durham, NC! It even features our wedding site and caterer . . .

I don't know whether I should be sad or happy that this is 90% identical to what we'll be sending out. It does have the effect of making us look particularly uncreative. Then again, we did produce our thing first!

Also, our maps will be far more useful. These cartoony schematic maps make me a little crazy. If one were navigating town in a helicopter, rather than a rented car, they would do some good. And it's not just magazines that fake the maps - chambers of commerce across the country are doing the same thing. Let me just say, our Cape Cod "map" caused us more than a negligible amount of heartache.

And, maybe it's not Organic Gardening's mission to do so, but they have missed an important part of Durham culture - even for the casual visitor - by failing to mention baseball at all. One of the very coolest things about this town is its devotion to the Bulls, which far outstrips its support of the Blue Devils.

Parting Gifts

2008-07-31T10:06:00.005-04:00

I hate terrorists.

Oh, I'm sure some of them are really nice if you get to know them before they blow something up. And certainly their mothers' probably think they're sweet. But those adoring maternal types might think differently if they realized how their terrorizing children are mucking up my perfect day. (You'll see why in a minute).

Now as many of you know, one of the customary wedding-y things is to give a little thank you for trekking all the way out here and buying us a place-setting gift to all of your guests. A sort of thank you for playing, you've been great sort of dilly. These are usually a) edible, b) emblazened with the couple's name and date, lest you forget who they are or to send them an anniversary present, c) breakable, or d) all of the above. Emerson and I, not wanting to be left out, have been agonizing over what to give. Weddings we've attended have had everything from candies, to flower bulbs, to custom beer bottles. But unless you own an engraving company that makes wedding trinkets, the cost quickly increases.

Plus, we have a pathological desire to be different.

And since everything else in this wedding seems to be homemade, why not the parting gift? We weighed our options and came up with, what I think is the coolest idea ever. Recently I've taken to pickling (hey, everyone needs a hobby). I've pickled everything I can get my hands on at the farmer's market and as far as edible, inexpensive, DIY gifts go, you can't go wrong with pickles! A mason jar, a cute hand-written label, a little raffia around the rim and voila! All you need is some fresh produce and penchant for boiling vinegar and you've got yourself a thoughtful, unique, and useful gift.

Except there are terrorists.

Since nearly everyone is flying and with the airlines getting all bitchy and beginning to charge for checked luggage, we're betting that a good number of guests will not be checking any bags. And since some jackass terrorist somewhere got the bright idea to hypothesize that he could make a bomb out of mixing liquids, guess what you can't bring onto a plane? Pickles. Which are floating in a sea of liquid.

So instead of spending the next 72 days slaving over a hot stove making pickles and jam that people are either not going to take or going to take because they are polite but will leave in the hotel room or are going to take but have them confiscated by the TSA, I'm going to bitch about how much I hate terrorists and their imaginary, hypothetical, unrealistic plots to destroy us, and the irrational, infantile, pointless steps our retarded government is taking to make me "feel safe" when in reality all it is doing is inconveniencing me and RUINING MY PERFECT DAY!

No Wonder Postal Workers Go Crazy!

2008-07-25T10:36:00.004-04:00

We are shopping for stamps. Our reply card - because we are pennywise - is a postcard.

Our postage options for this item are:

Tropical Fruit
or
Bighorn Sheep plus American Clock.

VS.
+

Why, Postmaster? Why? We would have settled for a plain American flag, or a white rectangle with a number on it.

Of Vase and Pens

2008-07-24T12:04:00.003-04:00

I may have announced already - and somewhat triumphantly - that we are past the "planning" stage and entering the "execution." (The equivocation is intentional.)

It has actually been rather difficult to write entertaining, interesting and meaningful blog posts during this phase. It's hard to imagine that anyone would want to hear about our quest for the right flower bowls (footed compote or tole basket?), choosing the right pens for addressing invitations (brown ink - fine point - but not too fine), or yet another disquisition on matching shoes to belts (although - I GOT 'EM!).

This final phase is what separates grooms from Groomzillas.

One, of course, wishes to measure one's neuroses against others'. In this way, one could detect a "norm." There are virtually no friends, colleagues or (certainly) mothers who will ever tell you to your face that you're being crazy or - likeliest of all - annoying. I find myself wondering, "Is that a phony smile? Or are my envelopes genuinely fascinating?"

It is the beauty of the blogosphere, I suppose. No one will read these ramblings unless they are truly amazed (or worried?) by the involuted decision-making apparatus of this groom's addled brain.

To summarize: this week we finalized our invitation design, ordered envelopes and a return-address stamp, bought pens and ink, picked up our SHOES, paid the deposit for musicians, booked bachelor party travel, rescheduled our dance lesson and stared glassy-eyed at the shelves of a craft store.

This is life in the minutiae lane!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Chuppah

2008-07-24T10:57:00.010-04:00

It's not just beautiful in principle that Massachusetts allows all loving, committed couples to get married. Massachusetts also has Cape Cod, which is arguably the most gorgeous place in the USA for a wedding.

Last weekend we attended our first two-groom wedding, and it took place at the Heritage Museum and Gardens in scenic Sandwich. Andrew and Ethan are true-blue New Englanders, and I would describe the Cape as a setting custom-made for them. (I would not describe Cape roads as custom-made for Michael behind the wheel of a convertible Mustang, but that's a story for another day.)

I'll admit to being a little nervous about going to a gay wedding for the first time. My fear, I suppose, was that I would see people treating it as a "pretend" wedding, which is a fear I have about our wedding. In my anxious mind I hear patronizing voices say, "Aw, isn't that cute." There are still some people close to us who hesitate to use the W word, preferring to say, "big day," or just "event."

I was not just relieved but thrilled to see that my fears were unfounded. The wedding was absolutely authenticated by the grooms' obvious and total devotion to one another. There was no one who wasn't swept up in the feeling.
Michael read a surprisingly poetic passage from the Massachusetts Supreme Court decision known as Goodridge, the decision which made marriage equality a reality in that state. He couldn't quite keep his composure (he may kill me for posting this picture), but that turned into a lovely moment, with the grooms and their attendants and all the congregation feeling the power and liberation that had been achieved. There was nary a dry eye.

The reception was among the most fun I've yet enjoyed. Again, it was the grooms' total joy and love that gave the party such festivity. I am still glowing, five days later. The emotional pinnacle was Ethan's father's toast, delivered with an unrelenting catch in his voice - I believe there were more tears than champagne in my glass. What I experienced reinforced so strongly that a wedding is truly an act by and for families.

I feel as if we've crossed a threshold now. Not only are we on the inexorable Black Diamond slope toward our own wedding, but we've witnessed first-hand the institution we desire so much to join. It just occurs to me now that Andrew and Ethan are my new role models! They are not the first to blaze this trail, but for me they are my nearest and favorite exemplars. What a privilege it is to follow their steps.

Thanks to Jen and her mad skillz (and her magic camera) for these snaps!

A Little Soft-Shoe Gentle Sway

2008-07-15T09:15:00.005-04:00

As you may have gathered, we are not having a traditional wedding. Well, let me rephrase that: we are having a traditional wedding in the sense that we are retaining all the important elements of the marriage rite that connect us to our religious and cultural heritage. We are not retaining a good portion of the frivolities that come with the matrimonial industrial complex such as cake cutting, wedding parties, DJs with microphones and the chicken dance.

However for some reason, which neither one of us can remember, we kept the "first dance". Probably because it truly is a first dance, since Emerson and I have never danced together. Ever. That's not how we roll.

But nothing we do is ever easy. Our song is not a Bryan Adams pop ballad; it is Gershwin tune from an obscure 50s movie musical starring Bob Fosse, so two dudes swaying back and forth with their hands on each others' hips like they're dancing to "Yesterday" in the gym at their junior prom ain't gonna cut it.

Enter Yuliya...

Last week we sucked it up and laid out a hunk of cash to Yuliya, a Ukrainian baby doll who is going to teach us how to Foxtrot and choreograph a little routine for us. It'll be like if Pasha danced with Dmitry, only if Pasha and Dmitry were ten years older, 40 pounds heavier and didn't know how to dance. If we were in front of the judges, Mary Murphy would be like: "The way you're moving into your moves like your fall-away split pivot over-spin into your throw-away? Is it working for me? No, it isn't. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kick you off the hot tamale train."

Anyway, as you can imagine, there are, um, problems. Mostly with Emerson. First of all, I know a thing or two about Dance. I took ballroom dance classes in college and used to go salsa dancing in grad school (read "used to go" as "went once"). Emerson, on the other hand, has two gigantic left feet. So with my loads of experience and Emerson's lack of talent, I am a natural choice to lead.

But all of you astute readers out there are saying "Wait a sec! If you lead, doesn't that mean Emerson has to follow?!" Oh yes, boys and girls. It does. And I'm not convinced Emerson has followed anything in his life. Instructions. Directions. The clearly marked trails in the woods. Yuliya is not convinced either. We're trying to practice our one-two-quick-quicks and he's dragging me around, looking over his shoulder, paranoid that I'm going to dance him into a chair. And I just might do if he continues to be such a bad dancer.

So if we survive these dance lessons which are clearly a metaphor for our relationship vis a vis trust, control, communication and compatibility, we will have an awesome first dance. If not, one of us will clearly end up dead.

Why Get Married?

2008-07-11T10:47:00.009-04:00

It's not uncommon for us to be asked why we are getting married in North Carolina. From friends and family as well as strangers. I suppose the reasoning goes, why get married if the government doesn't recognize it; if it isn't legal? Sometimes the question is a little more crass - why get married if it doesn't really mean anything?

Most people don't get asked that question. They'll get asked, why are you marrying so-and-so? Or why haven't you two gotten married yet? Or, do you plan on getting married someday? But not, why get married if it's pointless?

As a result, I have had the opportunity over the last five years to think about marriage a lot, which has required that I make explicit what most people intuitively understand about marriage, but never examine or articulate. Despite this silence, there is something about marriage that makes us want to go so far as to amend the Constitution over it.

This is a good opportunity for me to try to explain, for you and for myself, exactly why Emerson and I are spending so much time and energy and money on what a majority of the country sees as nothing but a big party. So.... why are we getting married?

Because marriage is important.

And contrary to what you might hear from the ironically named Focus on the Family, it is not important because of babies. Certainly babies are a key component but when you want to create a family you don't start from scratch, building one up de novo, just like GM doesn't reinvent the wheel every time they design a new car. I already have a family and so does Emerson. The second we get married, though, we have created a new family, not from the mysterious ether of our love, but by joining our previously independent families together.

The family really is the basic building block of society; just look at any of the numerous European interbred monarchies and you can get a glimpse of why uniting two individuals unites whole swathes of people. And that is important because we are fragile organisms. We need other people to survive. If something happens to one of us, we are not living in a vacuum, a happy unit of two charging against the world. I no longer only have the support of my family, but his family as well, which is, of course, no longer my family and his family but our family. And that support is not really optional. Families, unlike knitting clubs and drinking buddies, have a binding responsibility for one another.

That is how I view marriage. Marriage is responsibility. And not just for us to be responsible for each other but for society to be responsible for us.

And the reason that we are getting married, even if it doesn't "mean anything" in North Carolina, is that marriage is not a private matter between two consenting adults who should have the right to do whatever the hell they want. Marriage is a public affair. We certainly don't need a marriage certificate to tell the world that love and care for each other, or that we plan to spend the rest of our lives inseparable. Spend three minutes with us and I think you'll figure it out.

No, we are getting married because we are asking for you to be responsible for our union. And that's an intuitive thing. If your best friend tells you he's breaking up with his girlfriend, you'd be curious and maybe a little concerned but it's his life and it isn't working out. But if he tells you he's thinking of divorcing his wife? He better have a damn good reason. Emerson is not my boyfriend. And we want you to know that.

For the rest of the world, society is ready to jump in and do just that, and that's why we have both civil and religious marriage. But Emerson and I don't have that formalized support. Our community (in the form of the State of North Carolina) won't offer that to us, but that cannot and will not stop us from asking for it. If it can't be from the state then it will be from our own community of family and friends, and before God (and on a goat farm).

We are also not forging a new path, creating something new and different and revolutionary. What we are doing is deeply rooted in tradition and in the human psyche. And as we are asking society to take responsibility for us, we in turn have a responsibility to enter into marriage. Marriage is so vital to human society, so vital to the kingdom of God, that we cannot allow ourselves to be given a free pass from that immense responsibility. The "benefits" we would get from legal marriage are of little importance when you compare them to pleasure and sacrifice and comfort and responsibility of entering fully into the most ancient and sacred of human traditions.

Emerson is not my boyfriend and he is not my partner. But I cannot truly call him my husband until that promise is witnessed. The wedding rites will not be created fresh to fit our particular wants precisely because marriage is not something that we desire; it is a necessity. And it is not within the power of the government to deny us participation in that rite because it transcends the state as it transcends us.

And that is why we are getting married. Well, that and the kick-ass party.

Brassy

2008-07-10T17:27:00.004-04:00

So, since we got engaged . . . Okay, I'll stop there. I was about to tell a lie.

Since well before we got engaged, I have wanted a brass quintet to play for the wedding. Through all our many hair-brained ideas and scouted locations, I imagined live brass in each of them. Almost nothing could be more extravagant, and make even a little picnic on a goat farm into an elegant and uplifting occasion.

Well, we got one! Miraculously, we can afford it.

But that's hardly half the story.

I would say I know more about modern and contemporary chamber music than the average person. Which is not saying much. I am certainly no connoisseur. Those people are crazy. But I know enough to name a half-dozen important composers I admire and pieces that move me. I have known for years that I wanted a brass quintet with the talent and flexibility to play something fresh and unexpected. No Pachelbel, no Vivaldi, no Titanic.

I thought that graduate students (or talented college students) would be ideal for this. They are hungry for opportunities to perform and make a little money, and they have a still-youthful passion for music that might broaden their palate. And, let me tell you that "contact your local college" is the most prevalent piece of advice in budget/DIY wedding guides. So, obviously people have done this with some success!

Knowing that our local "kudzu league" university has a pretty strong music program and a renowned student orchestra, I sent an email to their student president (it operates as both a curriculum and a club). He replied within a couple of days, and forwarded my request to the whole wind orchestra. I got two nibbles from individual musicians (a trombonist and a flautist, which . . . anyway), and one very promising reply from a young man leading a brass quintet of his own!

As you can imagine, I replied right away, and enthusiastically. But then - surprise, surprise - only silence for several weeks. I left messages on his cell and at his home, I sent probably six emails. Finally, we spoke.

All my hopes for a cheap-yet-boundlessly-creative student ensemble were dashed.

Not only was this group of students wildly more expensive than the highest estimated price I had encountered for professionals, but they really couldn't play anything other than standard boring wedding fare. Or, more accurately, "Faire," as they also specialized in Renaissance weddings.

Finding myself back at square one, I followed up with some students who had replied to my initial request, but found silence there as well. Undoubtedly, because it's summer, they were off doing exciting things in Malawi and at various law firms.

I contacted a well-known trumpeter, recommended to me by our dear and lovely soprano vocalist (more about her later), but after a month of waiting, he replied that he would be playing another wedding that day, and that three of the five members of his ensemble would be otherwise engaged, as well.

Finally, seeing no other options - and coming to peace with a brass-less wedding - I called the music booker recommended by our caterer. As you can imagine, lacking faith in our caterer, I had avoided taking this recommendation. I assumed the booker would offer us something both expensive and uninspiring.

Oh, was I wrong.

The booker was absolutely delightful. Professional, respectful, prompt and efficient. when I told her our budget she firmly committed to find us a quintet for "a lot less," and she did. Hallelujah!

But what I had not foreseen was that my above-average yet quite-limited knowledge of music would be called upon immediately, and quickly proven inadequate. The quintet needs a set list in just a few days, at the same time we send our deposit. We have an idea what "sound" we want, but can we (could we ever) possibly come up with a specific list of pieces?

Let me admit that very little good work has come out of my office these past two days, although I look as studious as a philomath in my office with the door closed. Am I busily writing proposals? No, sir. I am listening to the great works of Adams, Barber, Copland, Dahl, Ewald, Ives, Ligeti and dozens of obscure others, in order of descending popularity.

I am trying to guess which string quartets, which saxophone concertos, which piano sonatas will easily and beautifully transmogrify into brass chorales. Of course, I have no idea what this group of musicians can play or are willing to arrange or learn.

But there are two things I am sure of: we are having a brass quintet at our wedding, and I know more about modern chamber music than I ever imagined, but still a little less than those nutty fanatics.

Papercuts

2008-07-10T17:16:00.004-04:00

Last weekend, another pair of dear friends came down from New York to keep us company. One will be a reader during our wedding ceremony, and the other will be designing our invitations. We have written a lot about his talent already.

I suppose, as of this week, I shouldn't say, "he will be designing," but "he is designing." The work of design is intense and arduous. We spent three hours on Saturday mostly looking at fonts and typing our names over and over. Minute differences in the shape of the serif or the height of the small-caps make a visible difference.

Awesomely, we found the "look" that suits us and our celebration best. It fits our country style, patriotic motif and old-fashioned-casual aesthetic. I wish I could share it! But I'll wait until the invitations are in the mail, so I don't spoil the surprise.

Meanwhile, I'll share something cool that's also going in the envelope.

We know that many couples like to provide their out-of-town guests with guidance and information. How else would they know where to brunch?! But our impulse is to plan, plan and plan some more. So, with the help of our designer, we'll be making a cool orientation packet to send along with the invitation, and here's a little snapshot:

Beta-Blockers

2008-07-03T11:30:00.010-04:00

So I have been to a fair number of weddings this summer. The time it takes me to go from entering the wedding to crying tears of happiness is proportional to the number of days until my wedding, as the various brides and wedding guests can surely attest to. Probably a photographer or two as well. I am increasingly worried for my own pending nuptials.

I didn't used to be like this. I was a cynical, heartless viper when it came to all things treacle*. But now, for the love of God, I am an emotional wreck. I'm even crying right now. Seriously. It's a good thing I have my office to myself. I am truly afraid that I am not going to be able to get through the processional without my face becoming puffy and bloated from the floodgates of joyful emotion. So I need a pro-active solution

I could try yoga or meditation or some other new-agey homeopathic touchy-feely garbage. But not only am I highly skeptical of anything remotely connected to mindful breathing or southern California, that stuff is, like, time-consuming. I believe in the quick fix; better living through modern chemistry. And here-in lies the problem.

They don't make don't-cry-at-your-own-wedding drugs. I know. I've looked.

I suppose social anxiety medicine would work but I know a guy who took propranolol before a public speaking event and, well, let's just say it was less than ideal. So maybe I'll just pop a few xanies right before and hope for the best. It's not like I have to remember anything more complicated than "I do."

*This might not be entirely accurate. Some of you may remember the time(s) when I (theater geek alert!) sobbed uncontrollably when Gavroche was shot. And maybe Fantine. And others. But I did not, I repeat, did not cry during Miss Saigon. A boy must have standards.

This Is Why

2008-06-28T14:55:00.003-04:00

Michael is in Boston right now for somebody else's wedding and yet somebody else's bachelor party. I'm here getting the house and yard ready for a July 4 cookout, and enjoying some one-on-one puppy time.

Earlier in our relationship, I used to relish Michael's periodic trips. I'd chow down on junk food and watch hour after hour of home improvement shows.

No longer. What I've discovered this weekend in particular is that I very much need the structure and support of married life. On my own this weekend, I don't feel so much "free" as disoriented. I never know when, where or what to eat. I stood in the beer aisle of the grocery store for about half an hour, dumbfounded. And, in the past 18 hours, I have broken, um, a few things. I'm even wearing Crocs . . . outside the house!

Get your party on and come home quick, monkey of love! I am a useless schmuck without you! Come home soon, and we'll get married, okay?

Howard Beale Moment

2008-06-24T11:05:00.007-04:00

I am not going to bad-mouth our caterers in public. Seriously. They are almost certainly the best caterers in this area, and they are going to do a great job. They make damn good food; they understand and play along with our crazy ideas (e.g., heritage pigs); and, they know how to get the details just right in achieving a beautiful event.

But, as you may know, we were having some problems. It was like pulling teeth to get the clear, detailed answers we needed to keep our budget under control. We felt nickled-and-dimed by unexplained surcharges and exorbitant bartending fees, among other things. We were losing trust, not to mention our savings. To be frank, we contemplated postponing or canceling the wedding for fear of going too deeply into debt.

Finally, yesterday, we channeled our frustration into action. In a very firm but very clear way, we delineated exactly what expenses we refused to pay. We requested the discounts to which we felt entitled because of reserving the date so early. We insisted on a complete, clear, detailed spreadsheet of charges. We insisted that the catering staff coordinate more closely with the farm staff to find cost savings, such as eliminating unnecessary rentals.

You know what?

It worked. Just by doing the bold, grown-up thing, we have shaved at least 10% off the cost of this wedding, all in a matter of minutes.

On the one hand, it feels great to have "beaten" the system that takes advantage of every couple's desire for a perfect, magical day. But more importantly, it feels good to have taken responsibility for getting what we needed, putting our concerns first and communicating clearly.

Now, maybe for the rest of the week, I want to take on the world, with the voice of Peter Finch ringing in my ears: "You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddammit! My life has VALUE!'"

And It Begins...

2008-06-19T15:02:00.004-04:00

We are psyched. We got our first wedding present in the mail, yesterday. Whoever sent it, and we know who you are because it told us, gets a gold star for being the first out of the gate, proving once and for all that you do not actually need to have received an invitation to send us gifts. In fact, if you send us a gift early, we promise that we will still invite you to the wedding, even though each person we cut from the invitation list gets us that much closer to a toilet at the wedding.

And speaking of firsts, I'm glad I got to post this before Emerson because we are in a highly competitive relationship and I very rarely get to win. And he's been checking the registries daily, hoping that someone will start the gifting, so it probably will pain him to no end to learn that I got to post about it first!

Yes, that is the kind of relationship we have. I win, sucka!!!!

A Stitch in Time

2008-06-17T15:57:00.006-04:00

I believe that I have, in the past, mocked brides for obsessing over the size and shape of their bustles. My thought - and I'm about to apologize for it - has always been, "Buy a shorter dress!" Getting dressed should be fun and easy!

I say I am ready to apologize because, as wedding things start falling into place, I have a little bit of breathing room to think about what I'm going to wear. As I have mentioned before, I found the perfect suit. I have even found a tailor, who works in-house for the eminent menswear store Julian's in Chapel Hill.

I even believe that I have found the right shoes - the saddle-tan version of a black pair I already own and love. So what's the sticking point? What is my own personal bustle dilemma?

Top stitching.

The shoes have brown top-stitching, which looks appropriate for daytime and outdoors, but is still dressy.

But the only belts Cole-Haan produces in the same tan leather have white top-stitching or (gasp!) braiding. Can you imagine? My country wedding is not an episode of Hee Haw!

Check out the shoes and the "coordinating" belts. Will any of them suffice? Should I look for a different shoe? This one is such a nice shoe for the price. Or, should I look for a belt that almost-but-doesn't-quite-match colors?
(Do note that the colors on the screen are not true to the colors in person.)

Breathless Anticipation

2008-06-05T10:07:00.006-04:00

So, we set out a work plan, and it did us a world of good. We made a lot of progress, but there are still many open questions, and we are 128 days (gasp) from our wedding day.

We haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because we like to wait until things are settled, and right now, almost everything is in a state of uncertainty.

As promised, here is an update on our objectives - I hope this doesn't give you hives as it gives me:

1. Invite the officiant by May 2. Status: Almost settled. Officiant invited in a long, emotional conversation. Officiant accepted invitation, but there are some lingering complications involving the superior of his religious order, and some very valid concerns about public perceptions. This is "settled enough" but of course we are praying very hard that we don't end up with no officiant at the last minute.

2. Hire a DJ by May 22. Status: Complete! And we are thrilled with the young, cool, enthusiastic DJ we found at a price almost half of the "prestige" DJ that our caterer suggested.

3. Plan Ceremony Music by May 22. Status: Totally unsettled. We spoke to musicians for the first time last night, and not only are they more expensive than we hoped to pay (for students, no less), but it's not certain that they can fulfill our musical wishes. On the other hand, this may be a case where compromise is totally acceptable. In other words, it will be awesome to have a brass ensemble, even if they play more traditional music than we would prefer.

4. Walk-Through with the Tent Guy on May 23. Status: Limbo. We had our walk-through, and it was not a happy day. The tent guy had utter disrespect for our money and our budget, which was quite disturbing. He and the caterer seem to think that we need to rent a $1,200 outhouse, and separate chairs for the ceremony and the reception. We are still awaiting a quote that was due last week. This is either going to turn into a tooth-and-nail fight to protect our budget, or we are going to have to betray the caterer (whatever, this is business) and go with another rental company altogether.

5. Design and Print Invitations beginning May 28. Status: Good progress. We had a really fun meeting with the designer and artist who are working on this project, and they were both exactly as enthusiastic and creative as we hoped they would be. The "edition" that will come in the envelope is going to be really cool, and the invitation itself is going to be beautiful. We even visited the paper supplier, and discovered that paper is going to be really affordable! Our next step is providing the final text for all the pieces so these guys can get to work.

6. Book the Buses by June 1. Status: Complete! Our guests who stay in downtown Durham or in the Hillandale area will be able to enjoy themselves with abandon since they have a ride to and from the wedding. As this was the subject of my worst nightmare earlier this year, I am relieved to have this task finished.

7. Finalize the Menu by June 6. Status: Incomplete but not urgent. We have been in ongoing communication with the caterer about the menu, but really it does not need to be finalized until a few weeks before the wedding. The pigs, as you know by now, are secured, though we still don't know how much we're paying - presumably about two or three times the budget, given the pattern we've seen. And, we need to decide if we are going to serve fried hors d'œuvre, since those require special rentals.

8. Get a Florist by June 30. Status: Incomplete and getting urgent. You know we want to keep this simple, and our moms are going to help out a lot. Michael spoke with one farmer who said, "Sure," but I hope we can get a more secure agreement and a freakin' quote. Why's it so hard to get a quote here? Is everybody in North Carolina secretly rich?

9. Figure out the Bar by August 15. Status: Good progress, with a bump in the road. Here's the bump: we thought that by providing our own hard liquor we could save money. Au contraire! Not only are we required by law to provide and deliver our own liquor, but we also have to pay $4 $5.25 per pour for cocktails! Where I'm from this is known as a "scam." In any case, it helped us plan the bar! One hour of butlered cocktails is it. And, we're doing well on the wine selection. I believe we actually have delicious, affordable wines picked out, and the incomparable (if slightly tacky) Total Wine & More is giving us a case discount on specially ordered magnums. Finally, somebody willing to help us out!

After writing this list I have to tell you I am more than a little bit tempted to lump the catering, the rentals, and everything else and turn this wedding into a backyard barbecue picnic. That would be equally fun, right?

My Favorite Email So Far

2008-06-03T11:08:00.006-04:00

Now, it's obvious that I'm as easily delighted as I am annoyed. And you know that my stimuli are different than other people's stimuli.

I hope our caterer won't mind my posting this note she sent to our farmer/friend, and cc'd us:

I just got off the phone with one of our chefs (the pork guru). And, he said that for 105 people we would need two 60-pound hogs. Does this sound alright to you? We would want it delivered to our shop on Wednesday October 8th, sometime that morning. He said if you could cut it up in primals, that would be ideal (said you would know what that meant).

Truly one of the most exciting things I've read this year!

Honey-(new)-moon

2008-05-21T15:27:00.005-04:00

Maybe it's because we started planning too early, but we've had plenty of time to second-guess the numerous plans we made during this two-year engagement.

We were so pleased and proud to have chosen Portugal as our honeymoon destination. An unusual choice, romatic, culinary, with fine weather in October. Unfortunately, the high price of oil and the low value of the dollar have caused us some trouble - especially as our wedding budget has ballooned.

We started revisiting an earlier idea - not fully developed at the time - and now we may have struck upon an even better honeymoon plan: Mendocino County, California.

Below, a full table of comparison between the two options . . .

Category: Itinerary
Mendocino: Mostly relaxing with periodic bouts of adventure, interspersed with great wine and spa treatments. A+
Portugal: Mostly sightseeing with periodic feasts of succulent pork, interspersed with driving and struggling with language. A-

Category: Accomodations
Mendocino: Posh spa resorts on the oceanfront. A+
Portugal: B&Bs and affordable "boutique" hotels. B

Category: Activities
Mendocino: Abalone hunting, mushroom foraging, wine tasting, hiking among redwoods. Did I mention spa treatments? A+
Portugal: Churches, castles, wine tasting. A

Category: Beaches
Mendocino: Breathtaking, but cold and rugged. B+
Portugal: Warm, sandy, and relaxing. A

Category: Food
Mendocino: Locally grown cuisine at the height of harvest season, fresh seafood including famous Tomales Bay oysters. A+
Portugal: Salt cod and suckling pigs. Not for everyone, but for us it's A+.

Category: Currency
Mendocino: $1 = $1. B
Portugal: €1 = $1.57. D

Category: Airfare
Mendocino: $300 (economy), $1,150 (first). A
Lisbon: $900 (economy), $5,000 (first). C

Category: Weather
Mendocino: Mild to cool, with regular fog and rain. C
Portugal: Mild to warm, with periodic fog and rain. B

Category: Homophobia
Mendocino: Nonexistent. A+
Portugal: Low in cities, high in the country. B-

Although Mendocino is the clear winner on these merits, it'll never be Europe. And Europe has such a unique appeal for the honeymooner, in particular. What do you think? Do we save Portugal for another day, when the recession is passed and the world has regained its confidence in the U.S. of A?

Good Enough for Now, I Guess

2008-05-16T13:37:00.004-04:00

I received a sweet, unexpected email from my sister yesterday saying, simply, "Congratulations!" on the occasion of the California Supreme Court's decision to . . . erm . . . stop the politicians from robbing a whole class of human beings of their rights.

I just wrote and then deleted a long and pessimistic post about the state of the world and the slow progress of justice. It is true, I think, that this week's "victory" is too small, too temporary, and is overshadowed by the seemingly inexhaustible mass of fear and ignorance. So I'm trying again for something more optimistic.

As I wrote of my anger today, I also began to feel compassion for those who sense their power - their long history of privilege and authority - being stripped away. It is this anxiety and loss in the face of radical changes in the world that leads them to fight against marriage equality, among other objectively good changes. When I hear them say, "think of the children," or "threat to the family," or "it's a slippery slope," I know that those are merely effigies of hurt feelings.

At the risk of sounding condescending, I would pray for them, that they should every day reflect on the fact that all their power, all their privilege, that all authority and all dominion come from God. Power is not a right, but a costly gift, and one that we all - who possess it - are called upon to steward wisely as we strive to live more fully in God's image. Our power gives us the capacity to choose the right, to love one another, and to live well.

I also pray that my own patience and compassion should increase. I know that I share in the sinful tendency to translate my subjective experiences into a putatively objective reality. I should remember that my moral judgments primarily stem from my own anxiety, and that by better understanding my fears as well as my desires, I will see the world and people more clearly.

I am happy that so many California couples, after years of faithful love, now possess the right to seal their unions under the law and in the witness of the community. I am happy that these justices understand that democracy - and, indeed, civilization - depend upon the rule of law and not majority rule. But I am unhappy that this is so extraordinary an occurrence. We are living in the 21st century, and yet our progress is continually offset by fear and ignorance.

Perhaps the resolution to this ambivalence is to shift one's focus from the general to the particular. If one sets one's sights on the vast and perpetual battle between human dignity and human darkness, one is inevitably frustrated. The score is impossible to calculate at that scale. But in reflecting on the love one feels and the love one witnesses, gosh, in this there is so much comfort.

Peaches Party

2008-05-11T13:42:00.006-04:00

Truth be told, I too am growing quite fond of the dog. But it is not for lack of puppy love that I am hesitant to allow Gunndi to be a part of our wedding. It is that, long before she came into our lives, I had suggested that we find some way to involve the Peach in the ceremony. My suggestion was met with derision, yet I fail to see why it is any crazier than having the dog participate.

For one thing, the cat is clearly more obedient. She is more likely than the dog to come when she is called, and she won't touch the food on the buffet as she is a very fastidious eater and since we are probably not serving lamb and rice pellets we should have nothing to worry about. She is also much tidier than the dog; for example, if we leave a pile of dirty laundry out on the floor too long, Peaches gently reminds us that we need to take care of it by kindly urinating on it.

So on the whole, not only will the cat be a better animal member of the wedding party, she was around first. So I will be damned if that smelly creature who wakes me up at the crack of dawn and tries to eat the food off my dinner plate gets to be a part of my special day but the preciousest of all all preciouses, my princess Peaches Pussypants, does not. So there.

Tableaux Vivants

2008-05-09T11:03:00.004-04:00

In the perpetual effort to do something unique - have I mentioned that I am very competitive? - the issue of long vs. round vs. square tables keeps cropping up.

Long banquet tables are very hot right now. They have a dramatic look and good symbolism, with everyone sitting together like Medicis in their piano nobile. It would seem that they are more expensive, because you have to rent more long tables than round tables to seat the same number of people. I also assume the long linens are more expensive, because the whole rental system is designed to punish you for having ideas. And, you need more flower arrangements for this to look right.

The other trendy thing to do is to mix square tables (eight-tops, as any waiter would say) with round tables. You get a good visual impact thanks to the variety, and you retain the flexibility of those round tables, which can seat 7 - 10 people.

Finally, what is probably the sensible thing to do, is to stick with all round tables and to be creative with the tabletop decor. Rounds have lots of room for "tablescaping" with flowers, lanterns, and other stuff.

The real complicating factors here are budget and space. I have planned countless catered affairs before, but they were gala fundraisers with huge budgets. And they were in New York. The circumstances here are so different, it's like starting from scratch. And our caterer is so accustomed to working with wealthy clients that she hasn't been very detailed or concerned with budget issues; her estimate didn't even show the rentals itemized.

I guess when we do our rentals walk-through in two weeks, we'll have to demand three separate, detailed estimates, and we'll try to maximize. I just hate having these ideas hanging out there in the purely theoretical realm, when we have only 5 months left. ACK!!!

Puppy Party!

2008-05-08T10:39:00.006-04:00

If you asked me just a few months ago - before Gunndi came into our lives - if I thought it was a good idea to have a dog in a bow take part in our wedding, my answer would have been an unqualified No.

Oh, how things change.

In the past several weeks, sympathy has turned to warmth, and warmth has turned to love. That filthy, hyperactive, greedy creature has nuzzled her way into my heart. It's not a matter of wanting her to be a flower girl - it's simply that I would miss her so much if she weren't around on our wedding day.

Now that we are doggie daddies (or puppy papas?), a surprising number of people assume that Gunndi will be there with a big bow around her neck. And, she loves the farm; she loves the dogs who live there (adorable Bubba, Ike, and Sissy). She's good in crowds of people, especially if they pet her.

Michael is still opposed to her attendance. I can see his point. She has little self control. God knows she'd try to eat the whole buffet, and a wrong move by any squirrel could ruin the ceremony. She'd be a terrible ring bearer, with her lack of focus and love of running. But she's so darn cute! What would you do?

Don't Cry Out Loud

2008-05-05T12:35:00.004-04:00

Michael and I have a certain problem in common: we are both pretty much on the verge of tears at all times. It takes approximately one drink and the rhythm guitar opening of Love Is a Battlefield to get us seriously sobbing. Our wedding ceremony is destined to be a tear-drenched mess of Terms of Endearment proportions.

Since alcohol won't help, and we've successfully avoided Xanax so far, what can we do to keep the emotional outbursts in check? Aromatherapy? Yoga?

I'm a little bit unsteady right now, just thinking about it! We are strong . . . no one can tell us we're wrong . . .

Important Hotel Update

2008-05-01T17:07:00.012-04:00

Well, the Marriott people weren't lying when they said we picked a big weekend. The hotel is, apparently, booked up, and taking no more online reservations at this time. Some rooms may be released as the date draws nearer, and we suggest you try calling 800-228-9290, as things change every day, and an operator may be able to help.

Meanwhile, please remember that we have a block reservation of our own at the Courtyard, and the rate is only $78. We will be running a bus from that hotel to the wedding site. The reservation number is 919-309-1500, and mention Bruno-Beyer wedding for the group price.

Across the street from the Courtyard is the Comfort Inn Medical Park, which currently has plenty of rooms available for $89 and $99. The phone number there is 919-471-6100.

For those who would prefer to stay downtown (and there are many reasons to do so), we have identified some alternatives, including three highly recommended B&B's. They are all within walking distance (particularly for you city folks) of the Marriott, where you can pick up the wedding bus.

Blooming Garden Inn
Morehead Manor
Old North Durham Inn

The Duke Tower Residential Suites seems like a genuinely cool option. It's in the "arts" section of downtown in a strange historic building, near to the farmer's market. And it's super cheap! Reviews on Tripadvisor are very good, too.

For those of you who plan to rent a car for exploring the town, there are many more options near Duke University, including the Washington Duke Inn, the Hilton, and the Millennium. Finally, don't forget the lovely Arrowhead Inn is within 5 minutes of the wedding site.

And a Brief Pat on One's Own Back

2008-04-29T16:06:00.006-04:00

After posting in detail about how woefully behind-schedule we are, I should note that we have accomplished some very important steps:

1. Hired a caterer who still has us very excited, especially when we snack on her hush puppies late at night.

2. Rented a goat farm, the location of our dreams, an amazing business run by cool people who have made us feel more welcome than we ever expected.

3. Hired a photographer whose work is stunningly beautiful, and who has been a very good working partner so far.

4. Booked lodging for ourselves and arranged lodging for many guests, in spite of the totally bad customer service around here.

5. Invited three dear friends to read scripture passages in the ceremony, and been lucky enough to have all three accept the invitation.

Even if we accomplish little more in the next 165 days, we have done enough to ensure a pretty good wedding.

Outstanding Work, Gentlemen!

2008-04-29T14:56:00.005-04:00

Did you know our wedding is less than 6 months away? Or, as Crate & Barrel puts it, "Only 165 days til the big event!" (This is right next to their red-typeface exhortation, "Add more gifts!")

I feel as if we are way, way behind where we should be at this point. I know that many people, including my amazing sister, succeed in planning weddings on a very tight timeline. But, I still feel anxious and panicky that we have so few things finalized.

If there's one thing I know for sure in this life - and it took me about 30 years to learn - it's that things get done when you make a schedule for doing them. Below is our to-do list, with deadlines, and we will keep you updated as we accomplish these objectives.

List of Totally Non-scary Objectives

1. Invite the Officiant. It's embarrassing that this isn't done already. We practically have the entire ceremony planned, the readings (and readers) picked out. At least the person we have in mind is already coming as a guest. I assume the answer will be "Yes," but I wonder if my procrastination is somehow a sign of avoidance, rather than over-confidence. Deadline: this Friday, May 2.

2. Hire a DJ. It's probably time to get busy with this, since wedding season is in full swing now, and we don't want to be left with some cheeseball DJ and his old Abba records. I'm leaving this to Michael, who has identified at least one good prospect and can also potentially write a good Craigslist post for recruiting more possibilities. I give him a deadline of May 22.

3. Plan Ceremony Music(ians). I have a co-worker who is not only a real liturgical singer, but also a music librarian. I want to invite her to sing, and to help "music direct" the ceremony. I have a feeling she could be very helpful with recruiting instrumentalists and choosing songs/hymns/arrangements that she knows we'd like, but can't find for ourselves. But the asking has been delicate, since I've been keeping this whole wedding on the DL at work. (See, there's another bride in the office, and I don't want to detract from how much she's relishing the Princess thing.) I have to find an appropriate occasion and way to make this request, though. So, I'll give myself a deadline of May 22, just before I leave for NYC.

4. Walk-through with the Tent Guy. This, at least, is already scheduled. We should be prepared, though, with some ideas about what we want, and we should be psychologically ready to fight for our budget. The walk-through will take place on May 23.

5. Design and Print Invitations. Our talented twosome are eager to spring into action. We will meet with them in the last week of May, and hopefully we can make enough progress in planning and collaborative design that they will be able work over the summer, and we'll be ready to put invitations in the mail during August. Deadline for conceptualization: May 28.

6. Book the Buses. We approached the bus issue back in March, and the vendors clearly thought we were a little too early to worry. But, there is a sweet spot between too-early and sorry-we're-booked-up. I think that sweet spot is now. We got an estimate and chose a vendor, we just need to sign a contract and make a deposit. Deadline: June 1.

7. Finalize the Menu. Our farmer friends out in Orange County have confirmed that they can provide us an heirloom pig for the wedding feast. There are two questions that remain to be answered: Can we afford it? And, will the caterer embrace the plan? Deadline for answers: June 6.

8. Get a Florist. Michael spoke to the owner of an organic flower farm (who, unsurprisingly, never replied to my email). She was enthusiastic about doing the wedding, although she demurred on the issue of expense. I'm not sure how to move this forward, since email is obviously not effective. I think we'll have to call and schedule a visit. Although we're swamped with travel next month, I'm saying, Deadline: June 30.

9. Figure out the Bar(tending) Situation. We spoke with the manager of our wine "superstore" on Sunday, and he had good ideas, information, and advice. He says we only need a few weeks' notice to put in an order, and is happy to work with us in fulfilling our plan of serving European wines in magnum. We brought home a few more bottles to taste, and I hope we will make our selections soon. On the cocktail side, we need to have a serious conversation with the caterer about the logistics of this, and I need to figure out if we can buy liquor in New Hampshire on one of our trips up there this summer. Evaluating the cost-effectiveness of that plan (as it requires driving that booze 1,000 miles in a rented car) will take some math. On the whole, the booze situation seems like the least urgent, so I'm giving it a deadline of August 15.

When You Care Enough...

2008-04-10T10:48:00.004-04:00

So I haven't cut my hair in weeks. This is partially due to being lazy and partially due to being busy writing my grant (I call it my "grant hair", like "strike beard"). It is also partially due to not really having found a good place to get a haircut. But ultimately it is because I have this stupid idea that I will grow my hair really, really long and then when I go to New York next month I will get a kick-ass haircut at Bumble and Bumble. However, my laziness and apprehension may have been a fortuitous event that will help me with my new idea (but more on that later...)

Another seemingly unrelated issue is wedding rings. I'm too lazy (notice the theme) to check to see if we've blogged about rings yet, but suffice it to say we've batted a few ideas around. We'll probably have our engagement rings bonded together. I know, it's cheesy but also really sweet and awesome because we'll probably have Little King, the jewelers who made my ring, do it since they are quite talented and do some amazing things with palladium. What, however, does this have to do with my hair?...

Enter, Life Gem ("because love lives on..."), the company that will, for an exhorbitant fee, turn your loved one's ashes into a diamond. Oh yes. You did not misread that. They will take your loved one's cremated remains and using a patented technology of high pressure in a low oxygen, high nitrogen environment, turn your dead spouse into a gemstone.

But why wait until death! Love lives on now! So for those customers who are impatient and desperate to have their loved one's carbon molecules fashioned into an ordered crystal array, Life Gem can use hair! So all I have to do is grow a bunch of hair, and save it when I get it cut off, which I'm sure will go over real well when I tell my hairdresser at Bumble and Bumble that she can't spill any of it on the floor because I'm going to turn it into a wedding ring.

And of course, this really won't work for Emerson, who has no real hair to speak of. Perhaps if he gets started now he can save up enough fingernail clippings by October. They should be just as carboniferous as hair. Or maybe some dessicated blood. Somehow that seems even more romantic! Really the opportunities are endless.

Now as I haven't run this past Emerson yet, you may not be seeing diamond rings made out of our extraneous organs. But if he comes asking one of you for advice, play up Life Gem. And make sure to emphasize that it is absolutely, positively not the slightest bit creepy...

A Fine Day for English Majors (and Those Who Love Them)

2008-04-07T16:00:00.012-04:00

Stanley Fish, about whom I harbor no strong feelings or opinions, has written an agreeably simple review of a forthcoming book called "French Theory" (&c. with a long subtitle). Dr. Fish's review appears as part of his blog on the New York Times website. He devotes most of the review describing what we would have called (in grad school) the "contours" of French theory, which is to say that "French theory" is shorthand for something very diverse and hard to define, and quite special without being too important.

Dr. Fish points out that "deconstruction," which is really just a way of reading, became a weapon of choice for many participants in the "culture wars," which made and lost many fortunes and careers. He also points out that the "culture wars" are simultaneously more amusing and more frustrating when viewed through the lenses of deconstruction.

A wedding, too, is the very sort of thing that deconstruction is a good tool for examining.

As I read, I was reminded of a lovely text that appeared in Harper's several years ago, and which often comes to mind when I feel that I have to explain why we are having a wedding that has no legal meaning when all our friends and family already know the strength and value of our "united state."

The text I remember is the wedding ceremony of a college professor and an artist, as delivered by the judge who officiated at the event. I hope you will read the whole thing, because, although it is quite heady, one gets a sense of the sweetness that the couple shared. Maybe the most important passage is the one that says this:

It is misguided to think that what validates a wedding ceremony is the making public of innermost feelings, and the sincerity or earnestness thereof. That may be a satisfactory performance, but it is beside the point of the wedding vow.

This is one of the things that I tried to express in my earlier post about sacraments. And, it is also one of the reasons why we have chosen to cleave as closely as possible to a traditional Catholic ceremony, rather than a personalized one: it is not "as if somehow the more heartfelt and confessional your ceremony is, the more married you are."

Indeed, although our feelings that have brought us to this point, we still believe that marriage has a permanent, objective value for us, for our families, and for our community. So the wedding ceremony has to have a bigger scope, and it truly should not be "all about us."

We will take some small advantage of having a wedding outside the traditional institutional structures of Church and state. Our Scripture readings, for example, are some that you are unlikely to have heard at any other wedding, but they probably won't leave you scratching your head either.

I plan to write more about the legal, social, and political meanings of our wedding over the summer -- and, like it or not, it will carry some meanings in each of those realms. I hope that by deconstructing this thing, this event, this day -- at its heart it should always be mostly a party -- we can do a better job of getting down to the core business of making something happen.

"Beware all enterprises that require new clothes."

2008-04-05T13:07:00.007-04:00

If clothes make the man, then I am bound to be Gregory Peck on my wedding day. Except without the height, gravity, Oscar, and jawline. What I mean is, I found the Gray Flannel Suit. And, I love it. My first eBay purchase may be the most important I ever make.

The suit is from Hickey-Freeman, but not their very poshest custom lines. I have no idea how old it is--probably from the 1980s--but it combines many of the best modern details from mid-century and classic English riding suits. I'll have to get it fine-tuned in a few months, when I have a better idea how much I'm going to weigh. Meanwhile, I have to find a really good tailor around here. I miss Leung's, but I don't think they're good enough to merit two trips to New York.

Also: Is it justifiable to spend seven times more money on shoes than on one's clothes?

A Butcher, a Baker . . .

2008-03-28T16:37:00.009-04:00

Several important developments this week have driven us even farther down the artisanal-sustainable-local path than we expected to go with this wedding.

You already know that our invitations will be designed and printed by two of our most creative friends, Anders and David. My mom has volunteered to arrange the centerpieces, a task for which she has demonstrated her considerable talents--and we hope to strike a deal with an organic farm in Pittsboro to supply the flowers.

But here's the new news: homemade cupcakes and heirloom pork!

Our fabulous, beautiful friend Amy is not only distinguished by her generosity as a cat-sitter and her infectious Kiwi pride, but she is also a distinguished graduate of the pastry program of the French Culinary Institute.

Now, I can bake. Lord knows I can bake. But I cannot make it pretty until it gets in your mouth and you forget what it looked like in the first place. I had considered making the cupcakes despite the warnings from every side (I am foolhardy), but I wondered if I could live with them being less than beautifully finished.

Enter Amy, who has enthusiastically agreed to help with the baking and the decorating. Not only that, but has offered to practice her buttercream dahlias in the intervening months so that our dessert will not be the least bit amateur but quite extraordinary. Proof of her skill is in the photo:

Having Amy's advice and counsel throughout the planning and baking process will be undoubtedly invaluable. Thank you, Amy!

As for the meat, we have been buying delectable turkeys, chickens, and ducks from a tiny farm run by a lovely family in Orange County, and they recently announced that they have formed a cooperative venture with their (rather amazing) neighbors to produce pork as well.

Today we got a delivery of chicken from Fern Hill, and I casually mentioned that we would love to find a local pig to serve at our wedding reception, and Nancy was totally on board with the idea! In fact, she suggested they could raise a pig specifically for the occasion, and that there is enough advance notice to grow it to the ideal size for our dinner. Out of respect for the most urban among you, I'm not going to say what the Tamworth heritage pigs are fed, but it is a thousand times healthier than industrial feed and literally comes from the neighborhood.

Of course, this means that will be barbecuing it, not pan-searing rib chops with fancy French sauce, but it also means we will use virtually the whole pig with a minimum of waste and expense of energy for transportation (90 pork chops might require 12-15 pigs).

Nancy casually mentioned that we could even slaughter the pig as part of the wedding. I demurred, as you can imagine.

Food, Flowers, Farming, and Fabric

2008-03-25T16:22:00.005-04:00

So, I undertook the spectacular waste of time known as "inspiration boarding." I think this activity was invented by bridal magazines as a way to be more internetty.

I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't pretty fun.

I think this activity is probably useful if you are hiring a coordinator, or even to share with your caterer. It's a snapshot of how you want the day to look and feel--except instead of you and your fiancé in the pictures there are catalog models. Maybe it can help you make consistent decisions if you are risk of veering off course into fluorescent colors or a "theme" (eek!)

I'm not sure the mosaic I made reveals anything about me or our wedding that you didn't already know. It's going to be rustic, and we're going to eat well. Have a look after the break and tell me if this silliness is a window into my psyche:

Click on the mosaic to see the pictures in big, lavish detail!

Unsuitable

2008-03-25T16:07:00.005-04:00

One obvious upside to having a two-dude wedding: no dresses. The dress shopping that I read about in the bridal blogs and magazines sounds like a nightmare, a tortuous ritual to make women feel fat and poor while chasing the opportunity--often fulfilled--to look more beautiful on one day than on any other day of her life. It's an emotional roller coaster that rattles enough to shake all the money out of your pockets.

For men, the pursuit of wedding-day attire has a different if equally unpleasant dimension. There are simply too few options. I happen to think tuxedoes look dashing on New Year's Eve or at a charity ball, but I find them to be somewhat strange at a wedding, especially during the day. Rented clothes? Weird.

Suits are troublesome because they suggest business rather than celebration. Off-the-rack suits are particularly conservative, generally made of dull, serious fabrics and cuts that don't so much dance across the floor as sit in a boardroom chair.

So what I think I want is a vintage suit. Something gorgeously Edwardian. Or a vintage-looking suit. Something like this:

Maybe what I really want is to look more like Daniel Craig!

The quest has not been easy, and it gives me great sympathy for brides. I have lost two auctions on eBay so far. I'm new to eBay, and I find it a bit intimidating. Nonetheless, it appeals to my competitive nature, so I'll probably warm up to it.

I'm also setting aside time on my two spring visits to New York to shop at the sorely missed Century 21 and Housing Works Thrift Shop. Any suggestions? Anyone have a beautiful old suit that I can take to Leung's (the best tailor I ever found) and make to fit me?

I Will Never Mock Vegans Again

2008-03-25T10:22:00.004-04:00

Well, I probably will. Especially those holier-than-thou, beef-is-destroying-the-planet* pinko-commie hippy vegans with dreds and foofy skirts (I'm talking about you, Whole Foods guy; no matter what ethnic sounding Indian name you give it, it's still a skirt!). And who can blame me, really? They can be so condescendingly annoying, particularly when they try to stop me from eating fois gras. As the superior species, it is entirely appropriate to force feed fowl so their insides get all fatty and delicious.

But I digress. The reason that I have decided that vegans need a little more respect from me is that since Emerson and I gave up our stupid "cleanse" idea and substituted it with our "veganism 'til Easter" idea, I have inadvertently lost 15 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. Fifteen pounds. In about a month. Take that South Beach!

It felt very good to put on my suit for the first time in several months and have it be too big. So we have now substituted our "veganism 'til Easter" idea with the "veganism 'til the Wedding" idea. After which, of course, we will gorge ourselves on pork and oysters and feel icky until Christmas. But dammit I will get my BMI down below my waist size if I have to take every locally grown organic vegetable in the Triangle with me!

*Actually, beef is destroying the planet. It takes 15,500 liters of water to make 1 kilogram of beef. But it's so tasty, I try not to think about that too much. I don't want to hurt my head.

Emerson adds: After three days of "Paschal Feasting" on every form of meat, starch, and booze I can lay my hands on, I feel like a piece of grade-B corn-fed beef dragged through a toxic slurry of hormones and antibiotics. I personally cannot wait to get back on the righteous path of vegan living!

Please Don't Stop the Music (If You're Just Gonna Start Talking)

2008-03-24T14:32:00.002-04:00

We have decided--barring any wonderful surprises--that we won't have a band during the reception. Our fantasy of a jazz-influenced bluegrass ensemble that could deftly handle an Ira Gershwin number and a bit of indie pop . . . well, we let it go.

Settling on a DJ is starting to look like a difficult task, too. On the one hand, we'd be content to plug in an iPod. Our playlist is all but done already. We don't want a DJ who thinks that the Chicken Dance is not a horror. We don't want to be announced like boxers entering the ring. In fact we don't want the DJ to talk at all, or even to choose the music.

On the other hand, we surely need a DJ. Someone to set-up and operate the AV equipment. Someone to turn down the music, turn up the mic, and hand it to whomever is about to toast us. Someone to tweak the playlist just a little bit, should we need to get some bodies moving.

What we need is a DJ who has good taste and the good sense to blend in. A minimalist DJ. You can imagine that we'd have a friend who'd be perfect for the job, yet we don't. Something tells me this is going to cost a lot more than it should.

Oh, and if you happen to know the world's coolest, most flexible little bluegrass band, you can be sure we haven't relinquished that dream entirely.

Still a New Yorker in My Cold, Bitter Heart

2008-03-17T16:27:00.006-04:00

Many of you have heard me complaining about the incompetence of salespeople here. We made five telephone calls to the Marriott that were never returned. It took a crazy long time for the caterer to follow-up with us. Even the farm gives us nerve-wracking long periods of radio silence, though they have the excuse of being busy delivering baby animals and hand-crafting delicious cheese.

Today my fury boiled over in the direction of Capital Limo. I found their contact info on a directory of "gay friendly" businesses, so I thought I'd reward them by proposing our transportation needs to them. I sent an electronic request for a quote on February 20. Three weeks later, having heard nothing, I asked again.

The reply I got said, "We got your request, and our reply must have landed in your spam box," which: No, it didn't. But, I was willing to let it go, because that's a white lie we all use sometimes.

The reply was also meant to have a PDF attached, which it did not. Again, I was willing to let that go, because I forget the attachment more often than I remember it.

So, setting aside the facts that 1. they should have replied to me right away and 2. this email should have included a quote and 3. they should be calling me on the phone anyway, I decided to call.

Emerson: "I'm calling for M***, please."
Fool: "M*** is not in the office today, is there something I can help you with?"
Emerson: "Yes, she tried to email me a quote, but the attachment was garbled."
Fool: "Oh, well, why don't you call another time when she's in the office?"

Or, why don't YOU look up the quote and fax it to me, and/or take a message for her to call me back first thing tomorrow?! Lazy!!

Anyhow, I'm rather pleased with my follow-up email, thus:

I'm going to have to go with another transportation company. You all should attend a sales workshop or something.

Best wishes,
Emerson

Keeping Track of You

2008-03-13T18:04:00.003-04:00

Because the Marriott did not make a block of rooms for us, we won't know who's staying there, unless you tell us!

If and when you make a Marriott reservation, please send us an email or post a comment here. This will help us with transportation (and after-party?) planning.

P.S. #1: Please let us know if you wish for us to find you a roommate to share the cost of your room.

P.S. #2: Please let us know if you are interested in arranging shared childcare.

My First Bridezilla Dream

2008-03-13T14:56:00.005-04:00

Am I seriously blogging about a dream I had last night? Who am I, lonelygirl15?

Well, you'd blog too if you'd just had the most topical dream ever.

I woke up early, early, early this morning in a panic. Just a moment before, I had been living through our wedding day, and it was 3:30 in the afternoon and only a few of our guests had trickled in. Where were they? We had forgotten to book the buses! We would have to send taxis to the hotel to pick them all up!

As the dream went on, it seemed that we had also forgotten to book the DJ! and plan the ceremony music! and order flowers! and iron our suits!

Anyhow, this dream lit a fire under my ass to get moving on our essential to-do list. Some tasks we have left are quite complicated, and time is slipping away.

I promise that by October 11, we will have buses booked and we will not leave you stranded at the hotel. Obviously, my conscience will not allow me to sleep until I am sure of it.

Sunrise/Sunset cont...

2008-03-03T10:57:00.006-05:00

In an earlier post, I mentioned how perfect it was that sunset was going to be during the cocktail hour, right before dinner. We were very proud of ourselves for inadvertently planning around the rotation of the earth. However, we have recently made several observations, after discussions with photographers, that give us pause.

Our wedding is three weeks after the fall equinox. This weekend is three weeks before the spring equinox. Thus, physics and astronomy being what they are, this weekend should have been a very good indicator of what the sun will look like on our wedding day. And let me tell you, the lighting at 5pm is horrible! It gets dark a lot sooner than you might expect a day to get when sunset is officially at 6:45 pm.

We are therefore fairly certain that the ceremony will be at 4pm now, rather than at 5pm. Because as much as we reject many notions of traditional wedding photography, lighting remains one of the few things we cannot defy.

Grooms on Film

2008-02-26T13:59:00.007-05:00

This week, we are interviewing the final candidates for photographer. I wouldn't have predicted that we'd need to interview them--looking at their work and their rate cards would seem sufficient. But as I read somewhere, "Other than your mother, the photographer is the person you're going to be talking to most on your wedding day. Make sure it's someone you get along with."

Both our photographers tend toward the "journalistic" style that's become very popular (and very expensive) these days. Both do a good deal of sports photography, and have a good eye for movement--few static poses here. Andrew has done some beautiful nature and fashion photography, and I think he brings a fresh eye to even the most conventional family grouping. Leslie composes beautiful pictures that show a good sense of space and textures, as well as "in-between" moments that give you a feel for the flow of an event.

Not four weeks ago, I was determined to go with a non-professional photographer, such as a student. Turns out, not even the most thrifty bargain brides eschew the professional photographer. Friends are problematic, students are unreliable, disposable cameras on the tables are just a ridiculous idea. Photography is as important as music, apparently, and is meant to take up about the same amount of the budget.

What really converted my thinking, though, was when I calculated how photographers make a living. I imagine that no photographer does more than 25 weddings in a good year. If that's supposed to add up to a living wage, what is the unit cost? Not cheap!

Ain't Too Proud To Beg

2008-02-26T10:42:00.009-05:00

Registering for gifts is reputedly the most fun thing about wedding planning, although it is a custom that bumps against every taboo about generosity. It sure is awkward to ask people for very specific (and sometimes very expensive) things you want, when the purpose of a wedding is meant to be more high-minded. And, of course, you can count on us to make the whole process more stressful than it ought to be. I've mentioned before that I'm a "maximizer"; the simple way of putting that is: Worst. Shopper. Ever.

Nonetheless, we buckled down this weekend to choose the material things that we want most as part of the home we make together. And, I hope you'll indulge our asking, and know that we are deeply grateful for anything you might choose to give us on the occasion of our marriage, including your well wishes and prayers.

We are probably most excited about Heath Ceramics, where we registered for enough dinnerware to fulfill our dream of hosting many Thanksgivings to come. Heath is a pottery studio in Sausalito, California that has been operating continuously since the 1940s, and it is renowned for the remarkable quality of its products and boldness of its designs. Every piece is finished by hand, and the factory adheres to the strictest possible environmental standards and respect for workers.

Only one place carried a variety of affordable flatware stylish enough to complement Heath's plates and bowls, and that was Crate & Barrel, where we also registered for high-quality organic cotton bed and bath linens at reasonable prices.

Sorry, Mr. W. Sonoma, but you simply couldn't compete on selection, price, or convenience with Amazon where we registered for kitchen items, including cookware, bakeware, small appliances, cutlery, and tools.

Everyone Has a Limit

2008-02-25T16:55:00.002-05:00

If I were really the environmentalist I pretend to be, we'd be using an evite, right?

The Holy Land of Pork

2008-02-22T15:40:00.006-05:00

We are dreaming of a honeymoon in Portugal. It has everything we could want from a destination: good weather in October, beautiful scenery, fine wine, and the world's greatest roast pork.

As we looked at possibilities (Montenegro, Italy, California), this article in Travel + Leisure convinced us that Portugal was just the spot. Coincidentally, Michael and I postponed our first date back in 2003 because I was called to Lisbon for work. I never made it outside the city, but that visit gave me a taste for more--especially my last night.

Lisbon was lovely and friendly, but I had struck out with expensive hotel food, inexpensive hotel food, and concierge-recommended touristy restaurants. On my final stroll around the city, I found a place near the Palacio de Sao Bento, Espirito dos Tachos--which I believe is still there because I found it on Google Earth--was modern and cool and inexpensive, and had the most succulent roast pork I'd ever put a fork into. I must have started with sweet breads and had wine and liquor too, and I'm sure my bill came to around $25. The dollar was stronger then . . .

Portugal is also famous for its salt-cod dishes, which are a Christmas favorite of ours, and go way back with Michael's family. The Portuguese make a hash of bacalao and potatoes that's quite rich. Portugal is a very maritime country and has unsalted fish aplenty. We'd love to spend a few days on the coast, enjoying the gorgeous beaches (sunset over the Atlantic!) and all the wonderful seafood.

Across the wine country and the north of Portugal, numerous monasteries have been converted into design hotels like this one called pousadas. Portugal's wines are growing very popular now. I was surprised to learn that Portugal has Europe's oldest "DOC" system. And colheita port, though prohibitively expensive here, would be worth the travel. Fish, booze, and pork: doesn't Portugal sound like a land of sensory delights? It's like Eden for the epicure.

The oustanding question remains: can we afford it? How "simply" can we travel and still make it romantic? Michael's parents (with a note of regret in their voices) were adamant when we asked: the honeymoon is not a cost to cut.

Country Roads

2008-02-22T10:41:00.012-05:00

We took Michael's parents out to the farm on Monday, which turned out to be a gorgeous, sunny, 70-degree day. I could tell they had misgivings before we left. Perhaps because we had forewarned his mother and sister that they should wear closed-toe shoes to the wedding on account of the goat poo. But when Michael's dad stepped out of the car, he said, "It is gorgeous out here!" One parent down, three to go!

Elodie Farms is a real, working goat farm. It's not a stage-set for rural fantasies like le Petit Hameau or this place in Apex. That means there are live animals and they poo right where they're standing. They also make noise and smell . . . um, earthy. It may be a bit too rustic for some tastes, but I find it irresistable.

The family warmed up to the rustic setting very quickly. Thanks undoubtedly to the lovely weather and the pretty drive through the hills of Durham County's old tobacco country. Thanks as well to the abundance of adorable baby goats, stumbling all over the property.

This is an exciting time of year because February is kidding time. Anne, who operates the farm along with its owner Dave, says that they expect 75 kids this month. That means lots of nursing mothers, which means lots of goat milk, which means marathon hours of cheese making. Hopefully some of that cheese will end up on the buffet at our wedding. We are nuts for the stuff, and it is hard to come by. Last fall we tasted their Goat Gruyere melted over French onion soup--divinity in a bowl.

We are also hoping that the new barn will be built in plenty of time for the big day. The old barn is coming down now, though its half-demolished skeleton looks no worse than the shambles it was. Dave and Anne are assembling the financing they need for the new construction, which will be able to accomodate more guests for their renowned monthly dinners and weddings like ours, as well as meetings and retreats. It will also have a new dairy and a cheese kitchen. I hope that our commitment to them and the guarantee of future business earns them points on their loan application!

After cooing and admiring the kids, and watching Gunndi gleefully run around with the farm dogs, Michael's mother and I took a look at the farmhouse porch where we plan to have the rehearsal dinner and the cocktail hour. It's a 100-year-old house with graceful proportions and lanterns that hang from the eaves in front. A bit run-down but undeniably quaint. One of the dogs had left a rather mutilated carcass--some kind of mammal--right on the step. I think that tops the list of unwanted wedding gifts. Michael's mom may require a little more persuasion than his dad.

Wear those closed-toe shoes, ladies!

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

2008-02-20T14:43:00.005-05:00

And we want to be clean young men....

We recently decided to go on a twelve day ayurvedic cleanse, where you gradually eliminate various kinds of food until you are consuming nothing but clear vegetable broth and parsley tea. Now I like parsley as much as the next guy, but it does not make for a satiating meal. And every time we decide to do something like this (can anyone say "cabbage soup diet"?) we end up drawing undue attention to our meals to the point where it becomes so stressful that we wind up buying a leather coat off the back of the truck of an Italian albino with a glass eye outside of the 63rd St. Starbucks because milk and bananas are not the foodstuffs upon which to build rational judgment.

Also, we are busy people during the week and our weekends, when we were scheduled to be consuming nothing, we like to be active. The puppy needs running and her daddies need to get off their fat asses and exercise (well, I speak only for myself; Emerson still manages to run 4 or 5 miles nearly every day). And the cat needs some precious alone time. Oh man, does the cat need some frickin' alone time.

So we modified our plan. We are going non-grain vegan for a couple weeks to clean out the system. I am, of course, terribly incredulous about the value of fasting and the dubious prospect of not eating any animal products for the next two weeks. But we are using it as a jumping off point for a year of healthy eating so both of us can drop a few inches off our waists so we look good in pictures on the big day.

At least that's why I'm doing it. It has nothing to do with the massive beef recall, since the chance of non-organic meat crossing my palate are equal to or less than the chance I will end up with a successful modeling career. Regardless, it does make sense to give your body a break every now and then. I am under no illusions that I will be clearing out an "toxins" or some such nonsense, but given that we spent the first three months in Durham eating every meal off the grill (and hanger steak is a lot easier to grill than mung beans), a little non-grain vegan might be just what the holistic doctor ordered...

Durham Is Hospitable but Low on Hotels

2008-02-16T10:43:00.006-05:00

The Triangle has a handful of truly cool hotels. We spent New Year's Eve at a luxury golf resort at Duke University, but the room rates will be out of reach for most of our guests. Nearer to the farm there is a charming inn called the Arrowhead. Our recent crew of New York visitors stayed there and proclaimed it lovely! tidy! and friendly! But it, too, is very expensive.

We tried to work on a group rate at the Durham Marriott-Civic Center. Fall is the "high season" for Durham, and block reservations are not being accomodated. But we still want our guests to stay there! According to the sales manager, it's going to be a Huge Weekend. Right now, rooms are still $129, but they will continue to rise as the date grows nearer. Reserve soon, please! The Marriott reservation number is 800-228-9290.

We believe that the Marriott is fully booked for the weekend. Please see this post for updates and alternatives.

The Marriott is located downtown, a straight 15-minute drive to the farm, and within a few blocks of some of our favorite restaurants, including The Federal, Piedmont, and Pop's. It should also be a fun place to have an after-party.

If you are looking for a Bargain and don't care about walking to good restaurants and bars (except one), we have arranged a Group Rate of $78 at the Courtyard Durham. The reservation number is 800-321-2211. The Courtyard is within a 10-minute drive or cab ride of downtown Durham and very near to Duke.

Save-The-Date

2008-02-15T14:30:00.003-05:00

A seemingly simple task, right? Unless, like us, you're somewhat obsessed with being unique. We just don't feel like any of you want a picture of us on your 'fridge. Right? So what are we going to do that feels custom and costs . . . um, nothing? Keep an eye on your p.o. boxes, folks, something cool is on the way.

Not that we have any idea what that's gonna be, at this point.

Oh, here's the essential information you need: October 11, 2008. RDU. It's a lock.

UPDATE: We bought the save-the-date postcards last weekend at the North Carolina Museum of Art in Raleigh. The gift-shop ladies were a little surprised that we would buy 60 of the same postcard, and they asked us "What for?" We both hesitated, as if they wouldn't understand, and it wouldn't be worth explaining. Michael said, "Invitations," and I said, "Save-the-date cards." I would think that this tentative, compound answer was somehow perfectly clear. But I still don't know why we were so hesitant about saying it.

Anyhow, the important piece of information here is that we plan to mail these cards on March 1. That means we have two weeks to finalize the hotel room rate and to register for gifts. Holy crap!

Large is the Fun Format

2008-02-15T12:54:00.005-05:00

Choosing the right wines to serve with dinner is going to be a big challenge. There are apparently two possible directions: serve the best available wine because of the importance of the occasion, or serve the cheapest available wine that will pass muster with your guests (knowing as you do their level of discrimination).

Quality and price are the obvious axes of wine buying, but I would add two more factors: festivity and sustainability. By festivity I mean that the wine ought to look and taste and seem fun and add to the cheerfulness of the day--the "best" wine may be too serious. By sustainability, of course, I mean that the choice ought not to niggle one's conscience by being wasteful of resources.

These factors and my valences as a maximizer (not a satisficer) lead me into a morass of decision-making anxiety and paralysis. I have consulted Jancis, perhaps the world's most respected critic, though her expertise in the highest tier of the luxury market makes me a little distrustful of her bargain selections. Dottie and John are my constant companions at the wine store, but I am woefully forgetful about archiving their columns. All these and many more wine writers responsibly advocate for the reader to cultivate his or her own idiosyncratic taste in unique and surprising wines. Inarguable advice, but it doesn't get us what we need for a wedding reception, and that is a crowd pleaser!

One thing is certain: we can maximize festivity and sustainability (and maybe price) by choosing wine in Magnums. Because Magnums (1.5 liter bottles) have a higher ratio of wine to glass, they are relatively lighter to transport--saving fuel and reducing emissions--and use less materials overall. And isn't there something especially merry about the Magnum? You see that unpretentious big bottle and you think, "There is gonna be some drinkin'!"

And here is one more helpful certainty: political economist and wine expert Dr. Tyler Colman has determined that on the East Coast, it is more "carbon efficient" to drink wine shipped from Europe rather than trucked across the continent from California.

It is good for a maximizer to place boundaries on the seemingly limitless (and therefore oppressive) array of choices. It allows him to focus on such confounding questions as, "Is the Cotes du Roussillon really the world's most exciting wine region today?" and "Can I serve a creamy Chardonnay without losing my wine cred?"

Of course, the one boundary I really need is a deadline.

Break Bread/Cut Rug

2008-02-15T11:17:00.010-05:00

Both of us grew up in the apparatus of Catholic education--some combination of Catholic schools and CCD--during a time when the so-called Baltimore Catechism was no longer taught and had not yet been replaced. Our religious education was somewhat unbounded and had a very different flavor from that which our parents received, which was quite classical and involved the memorization of many definitions and rules. But we were, like our parents, made to memorize something specific that stays with me:

"A sacrament is an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace."

These days, it's far more common to hear sacraments described as milemarkers, ceremonies that highlight and bless certain passages in life. This is a grace, for sure. But in planning our wedding, we have hoped to retain some of the old-fashioned sense of "giving grace." It is not merely describing an event, but it is bringing about a fundamental change. It might be doing something, dare I say it, supernatural.

We also hope to retain the role of Christ. There is no shortage of people who think it odd that we remain committed and practicing Catholics. There are many who assume we are the "wink-and-a-nudge" kind of Christians--that we are in it for the showbiz. Speaking for myself, if not for Michael, it's not the "outward sign" part that keeps me practicing the sacraments. It's the Christ, and the grace.

This sacramental sense should be felt in every part of our wedding day. From the ceremony to the dinner to the dance party. There's a reason why this wedding-day structure is the norm: because it fits the way we humans experience encounters with grace. We pray, we share, we celebrate. We are not going to water it down by replacing the scriptures with love poems, or substituting speeches for prayers. We have selected readings that are so full of revelation that they blow my mind every time I read them. We have been scouring the missal and Book of Common Prayer for the right words and the right order of parts. And when the disco music starts, we may turn into a different sense of ceremony, but it ought still to be elevating of the soul!

Shall We Dance?

2008-02-14T16:05:00.011-05:00

We are both torn on the idea of "special" dances at the wedding. We have both been to many a wedding where the guests sit quietly, politely, growing hungrier by the minute, while various relations of the bride and groom swap dances, awkwardly swaying flatfooted to all five and half minutes of "Butterfly Kisses". Needless to say we are against it.

We will dance with our mothers and we will dance with each other. That's it. And now, I'm even having second thoughts about the latter. I always thought of it as unavoidable. But this week brought some news that should give any would-be spouse cause for alarm. While the chance that our rhythm-less attempts at harmonious coupling on the dance floor will embarrass us remains the same, the chance that one of us will keel over mid-two-step has become infinitely* greater! That's right. In Florida, a bride died in the middle of her first dance!

Granted she had a heart condition brought about by childhood diabetes, and I'm pretty sure that my non-alcoholic steatohepatitis carries no acute threat of fatality. However, as if I didn't have enough to think about planning this thing, now I have to worry about Ira Gershwin killing me with a thirty-two bar song structure....

* In order to determine the -fold increase in a phenomenon, one simply takes the current number of instances of the occurrence and divides by the previous number of instances. In this case, there were previously zero (0) reported deaths during wedding first-dances; now there is at least one (1) reported death. And everyone knows that any number divided by zero is infinity!

The American Dream

2008-02-14T15:31:00.003-05:00

I'm happy that this election year dovetails so well with the wedding "theme" we established back when we got engaged in '06 (and which is also the title of this here blog). At the very least, there will be a guaranteed topic for table conversations at dinner!

Of course, "united" is probably a poor description of our country today. I think that since 1991 when it was abruptly decided that culture is a set of wars and cable news networks should be the battlefields, our political and civil society has had an unhealthy fixation on winning at any cost. The necessarily combative structures of a democracy are supposed to create good outcomes, not merely victorious ones.

That said, I have my own unhealthy fixation on winning, and there's no excluding this wedding from my competitiveness. When we reserved our caterer a couple of weeks ago, she told us that October 11 may be the biggest wedding day of 2008. So we won the race to book perhaps the most presitigious caterer in Durham! The early bird gets the worm and all that.

On the downside, it's important to remember that we are not quickly winning the fight to expand marriage equality, and none of the three viable candidates for President is going to show any leadership on that issue. Still, going ahead with a meaningful and beautiful wedding that consecrates our marriage in front of family and community? That feels a lot like winning.

Set It Off

2008-02-07T13:43:00.001-05:00

Today I caught myself boasting about the small carbon footprint of our wedding, when I realized that dozens of people will be flying to RDU to attend. That will make for a very substantial footprint indeed!

"Offsets" are ways to neutralize the impacts of our purchases by investing in projects that reduce greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions. Offsets are controversial, because it is not always clear that the money is effectively reducing GHG pollution in the reported amount or in the specified way.

Fortunately, there is enough interest in offsets today that you can get good information and make good decisions that really will neutralize your travel to our wedding--so you can come celebrate with no guilt at all!

We recommend that you purchase offsets from e-BlueHorizons LLC, a company that captures GHGs from landfills in New England and uses them to produce (renewable) energy. We know that they have been thoroughly scrutinized, and they really do offset as much pollution as they say they will. Additionally, they use a portion of their profits to plant trees in the Mississippi Valley--which further sequesters carbon dioxide from the air. And, we like that they are specially helping New England, a part of the country that is dear to us and where many of our guests live.

Most of our guests only need to offset one metric ton of carbon to make up for their round-trip flight to North Carolina. But, e-BlueHorizons only sells offsets in multiples of 10. What to do? Here are three suggestions:

1. Pool your money with other wedding guests--a batch of 10 offset tons only costs $50.
2. Give the excess as a gift to someone who loves to travel.
2. Come visit us more!

If you want to learn more about Offsets, visit fightglobalwarming.com. There are also other "certified" providers there, including companies in Illinois and California.

An even better thing to do for the environment is to eschew air travel altogether. Rail travel will save 90% of the CO2 emissions caused by air travel, and some people actually enjoy the opportunity to enjoy a little wine and cheese, watch the countryside go by, and avoid the security line hassle. The Carolinian will take you from Penn Station to downtown Durham in 10-1/2 hours for $158 round trip, or $236 business class.

Finding in our wedding an opportunity to fight global warming makes it a happier occasion, I hope you will agree!