Tuesday, August 24, 2010

More Inspiration, More Writing

Writing about weddings, marriage, married life, domestic bliss, etc. etc. ran out of steam. But, after a year off, I've got a new pursuit - learning carpentry - and am writing again. Visit woodshoptalk.blogspot.com

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Noche de Romanza

A lot of couples have "date night" where it's just the two of you, and you have dinner and see a movie or something. We like to spice it up, and we call it "Noche de Romanza" (spoken with the most absurd possible Zorro accent) - other than that it's the same as anybody else's date night. Well, except that we usually get tired after dinner and skip the movie. Romanza indeed!

Begin the day with breakfast each morning served in-room or at our Restaurant, followed by the anticipation of an experience beyond expectation.

Whoa! Happy Valentine's Day!

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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Year of Firsts

I thought it might be a good idea, in the aftermath, to write a little bit about our first Christmas as a married couple. In fact, I'm fairly certain we'll be thinking about the next year as a bunch of "firsts". However it didn't feel all that first-y.

Emerson and I have been together over five years and have lived together for a good portion of that so I was honestly more excited about it being the puppy's first Christmas with us than our own. I know, that makes me a horrible person. Or perhaps it's just a reflection of our relationship. As my father said in his toast at the wedding, if you don't think Michael and Emerson are really married, spend five minutes with them.


It was a Christmas of firsts in other aspects. Emerson finally got to eat his first New Haven pizza and, as predicted, it was better than any other pizza on the face of the planet. We bought our first tuxedos (more on that later). And for the first time we bought each other the same gift!

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Extravagant Gifts, Simple Thanks

As I mentioned earlier, we did get our thank-you notes in the mail before Christmas vacation, nine weeks after our wedding, which is hardly a heroic feat, especially considering how urgent most thank-you notes seem. A boss I once had would get quite angry at late thank-you letters, and I remember her saying, "A same-day acknowledgment is so important and so possible!" Possible, yes - but important?

The spirit of her complaint is true: gratitude should be delivered with a sense of urgency.

We sent a little more than 50 thank-you notes. We did not send Christmas cards this year, because that would have been a ludicrous amount of correspondence all at once, and we could throw a little "Merry Christmas" into each note. It took just two weeknights to get them all written and addressed and in the mail.

Here were some things that helped:

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Monday, December 29, 2008

The Goose Got Fat, Eaten

I don't think either Michael nor I feels especially bad about not posting for a long time since the wedding. We have some explanations, none of which is an "excuse" because we are not particularly sorry for the past seven weeks of silence, except in one important dimension:

We owe our amazing network of fellow wedding bloggers a serious apology. In the weeks before our wedding, you were here for us, being sweet, making our wedding seem like the most important day in the whole world. We should have been celebrating with you virtually, as you celebrated with us, and tossing good vibes and pithy advice your way.

Instead, we spent the first few weeks of our married life detoxing from stress, the spending, the narcissism of what we did. We spent a lot of time with local friends and with our parents. There were turkeys. We bought and wrapped and exchanged Christmas gifts. Very importantly, we got all our thank-you notes written and in the mail before Christmas vacation. We were reading your blogs (seriously!) but not commenting. We never once navigated to this page.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Marriage #2: The Marriaging

Our first marriage was before God and family on a small goat farm in North Carolina on October 11, 2008. Our second marriage (depending on how things go) was in the little mountain town of Ukiah, the county seat in Mendocino, California, where Emerson and I were honeymooning.

We set out early the morning of Thursday, October 16, before the sun rose to make the long trek over the mountains to Ukiah. We stopped for one of the best scones I've ever had in a little village called Boonville, the hippiest town in the hippiest place I have ever been (I do not exaggerate when I say that the entire county smelled like pot). We didn't have much time because we had to meet Josh Bowers, the guy we hired on craigslist to take pictures and be our witness.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Strike Beard!

Ok, one more and then we'll have to stop...

It's getting to be winter and Emerson and I have both decided to grow beards again. But I've decided to not just have a beard, but a strike beard. And here is why:


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Idiotic Justifications and Cold Comfort

I'm going to share some of the responses I've read - some directed to me, some written on blogs, some that just passed in front of my eyes going from one friend to another. I'm not going to parse them all, because if you can't see what's stupid or off-base about each of these things, then - well, then, you're stupid or off-base, and maybe this is a good point at which to sever our relationship.

Also - I want all of you who are irony-deprived to switch on your sarcasm detectors. I want you to see it coming before you're in it, knee deep.

The thing that these messages mostly share in common is the sentiment that gay people shouldn't be so upset because this is "just" a setback, it's minor in the context of Obama's win, that fair-minded liberals are in now way to be held responsible, or that we nasty old queens are just bitter/angry/self-loathing/uppity.

So here's my wall of shame, unattributed stupid things that people said and wrote yesterday about the crushing nationwide defeat of gay rights:

some of us feel worse than you do! please re-direct your booing and hissing to the morons of the state, not all of us.

Uh - right, the Democratic candidates, party and voters stood up for us so passionately. They were just overwhelmed by the irresistable Mormon army, right?

In general, courts are the wrong place to press these sorts of claims. . . . Unfortunately, too many groups have decided that the success of civil rights can be widely applied to circumvent the electorate on issues where there is no public consensus.

Oh, I must have misread the constitution and the 14th amendment - my bad! Voters are totally justifying in repealing civil rights just to punish the courts for being so pushy!

Whoa, let's not get distracted here [by the high turnout and 70% support for Prop 8 among black voters], folks. The real, true enemy in all of this in the Mormon church, perhaps the most despicable bastion of bigotry in our country.

The Mormons did not come to California and mark those ballots. The mind-boggling level of homophobia among African Americans is just one piece of this failure, but it is possibly the most shocking and disappointing piece.
I believe--and thought you did too since you actually had a wedding--that, while of course the ultimate goal is official State recognition and the accompanying legal rights, the State doesn't have to approve your union or anyone else's for it to be official and sacred. That's in the way that you live your life; not the labels you put on it.

Yeah - I had a wedding to demonstrate that I don't care if marriage is legal or not! And then I flew to California just as a way of saying "Look how superficial this legal marriage stuff is!" Boy, am I glad that my wedding didn't accidentally result in any legal responsibilities or privileges.

if a country that so viciously oppressed a group of citizens could, 40 years later elect someone from that group--then I have great confidence Emerson that we can overcome what voters in California and other states did on the ballot issues.

So - is 40 years a optimistic estimate as to how long equal rights are going to take? Because I have heard some generous 5, 10 and 20 year estimates. As mama used to say, "You can't hurry love!"

And finally, what I think is maybe the worst most gut-wrenching thing I heard all day:
Oh fuck! This is the first I've heard of it. FUCK!


Sorry I pierced your bubble of straight, white privilege with the bad news. I'll try not to do it again. You can get back to congratulating each other now. We'll just go back to our corner and cross our fingers that someday, somebody will give a shit about us . . .

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm So Bitter I Could Just Cling to Guns and Religion

“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.”

I find it utterly impossible to be happy for the country right now. While I never agreed with much of Barack Obama's politics, I was geared up and even psyched to witness the first African-American president. It is long, long overdue and brings us one important step closer to correcting century old wrongs that have permeated our society in almost every way. It was an historic event that I am utterly unable to find positive or to rejoice in.

Barack Obama may have won a decisive victory across the country but the decisive losers were gay Americans. The campaign that brought us “hope” and “change” brought neither of those things to the millions of gays and their children. The passage of all four anti-gay ballot measures yesterday underscores that while the voters may have shifted demonstrably in favor of the Democrats, they remain unmoved when it comes to the rights of same-sex couples. This cannot be blamed, as it was in 2004, on a conservative electorate enamored with a Bush political agenda; that was resolutely defeated. California, which Obama won by nearly a 15 point margin, banned gay marriage all the same.

And while it is unlikely that they tipped the scales, I find the overwhelming support for Prop 8 among African Americans appalling. The bittersweet irony is that Obama’s unprecedented mobilization and registration of voters and his historic candidacy that gave a well-deserved voice to a long since marginalized minority brought about inequality for another. The group of citizens who saw their hopes and dreams materialize last night simultaneously voted to strip those same hopes and dreams away from a different marginalized minority. Slavery is a horrific stain our nation which means it is even more important for those who have most acutely felt its ramifications to fight for equality under the law for all Americans.

So no, Mr. Obama, I do not question the power of our democracy; the people still have the power to strip away the rights of others. Before last night I didn’t imagine my fellow citizens could rip my marriage away from me. But as you say, Mr. Obama, America is a place where all things are possible.

Because It's Personal

A lot of people are pissed at me today. I've been pretty brittle. I'm not handling this very coolly. I'm ruining people's fun. Whenever I've seen or heard sentiments of celebration , I've made it a point to interject:

"What a great night!" someone says.
"Not for gays," I reply.

Would it be so hard for people to acknowledge that? And why do I keep hearing the words I had no idea? You should have known. Stop patting yourself on the back.

There's no reason for the defeat of gay rights to detract from the historic victory that occurred yesterday. That's simply not where my head is, where my heart is. And, frankly, I don't think it's disrespectful to keep pointing it out.

Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

Gay men and women across the country, people whose lives are dedicated to service, virtue, and generosity were stripped of equal protection under the law, their second-class citizenship reaffirmed by voters of both parties in Florida, Arizona, Arkansas and possibly California tonight. I sat in a bar filled with whooping, gloating Democrats, apparently pleased to once again have loyal gay liberals as their cannon fodder. I wanted to cry, but instead I got angry and shouted.

I shouldn't let myself be bitter, because bitterness is self-destructive, but I may allow myself these feelings for a while. I'm mad as he'll, but I'm supposed to keep taking it? I have not one kind word for America right now. You betrayed us.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hope, Desire, Secrets and Meaning

Desaray’s early morning post today – and her slow, scary, exciting and mystifying approach to the Friends community – set me to thinking about prayer. Election day – filled as it is with conflict, with the thirst for power and prestige, with self-delusion and self-congratulation – empty as it is of quiet, reflection, honesty and generosity – is a really good day for reflection.

So, please be patient as I type for a while about these things: Prayer and weddings, prayer in weddings, prayer after weddings and prayer that puts weddings in a new light and new perspective.

Take, Lord, and receive all that I am and have. You have given it all to me, and I give it all back to you. Just give me your love and your grace, and that is enough.


Another prayer I learned in college is one that I didn’t think I could use or accept, because it seems so . . . prosecutorial. This is the Orthodox Rosary (Chotki) Mantra, known as the “Jesus Prayer.”

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.


The last prayer tool that I want to share – because I’ve gotten very long-winded here – is the Avalokiteshvara Mantra, which you surely know already:

Om Mani Padme Hum.


I sometimes just repeat it or look at it, like a pure mantra. Sometimes I alternate the mantra with a prayer to eliminate both anxieties and seductions, like this:

Om Mani Padme Hum.
To be without worry.
To be without peace of mind.
Om Mani Padme Hum.
To be without screwing up.
To be without getting it right.


And so on. This prayer is like a bloodhound for detecting secret fears. Other times it exposes my "goods" as addictions.

So – what are your tools or prayer, reflection and communicating with hidden parts of yourself?

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Monday, November 3, 2008

Living in a Calgon Commercial

There are many good reasons to eschew wedding gift registries. To have them is really rather greedy. If there are household items one really needs, wouldn't it be more prudent (and ethical) to cut back on wedding extravagances and buy those things for one's self? Shouldn't we, after all, have contributed most of our wedding budget to fighting injustice, and asked our guests to contribute their gift money to similar causes?

This is the utilitarian conundrum that philosophers like Peter Singer demand we confront. As important as it is to strive for moral clarity in resistance to both culture and our own impulses, there is some soft consensus among ethicists that scrupulous devotion to moral purity produces diminishing returns for investments of anxiety, isolation and intellectual paralysis.

In other words, one may achieve greater good in a life characterized by self-acceptance, companionship, reflection and pleasure. This is how I can declare that there is a universal good in wrapping myself with a fantastic bath towel.

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Friday, October 31, 2008

Please Be Seated

Cruising around other wedding blogs as well as commercial sites gave me a serious inferiority complex about my shortage of DIY skills. Although our wedding had a "hand crafted" feel on the whole, that was mostly a matter of our obsession with details and tricking actual artisans and craftspeople to do our bidding.

Our one craft project, which I blogged about in September, turned out nicely, though, and I thought I'd share the final product with you:


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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Raise the Bar

Several people who read this blog were guinea pigs in our months-long experiments with wine and beer. For their edification, and for anyone else who might be interested, I am happy to provide the final list of drinks we served:

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Water-Colored Memories

Two weeks feels like a lifetime - keeping up with everybody else's wedding blogs reminds me how intense the last year has been - and how peaceful and just-right life feels now.


We haven't got any professional pictures back, but we have many talented photographers among our friends, and I am happy to share a few of their snaps - those that I would consider "general interest" pictures. Many, many thanks to Jennifer, Bethany, Tom, Missy and Kristen for these great images.

On the center table, draped in burgundy linens, the centerpieces of dahlias, zinnias, celosia, artichokes, eggplants, pears and peppers, were (of course) 100% local and organic, and assembled by a team consisting of our moms, my aunt, my sister and Michael. They were so nervous to do such a big and important job, but as you can see, the results were lush and elegant. I am very happy we didn't chicken-out and spend a lot of money on a florist.





The other two tables were draped in navy, and had hurricane lamps set into magnolia and laurel wreaths, with votives and green hydrangeas scattered around. An absolutely fantastic salad of squash, goat cheese and figs was set at each place so that guests could start eating during the first of four (!) toasts.


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Our Illegal Wedding: Now With Extra Illegality!

As soon as the ceremony ended, an odd feeling set in. I probably asked a dozen people, "So, does this wedding seem a little weird to you?" I suppose it was mostly that surreal sensation that many people report: This is it. We are getting married right now. Jesus tap-dancing Christ!


But, there were plenty of other unplanned occurrences that made our wedding day peculiar. For one thing, it was intermittently disrupted by bursts of machine gun fire in the distance - which (blessedly) many guests mistook for fireworks. The brass quintet played all the music at a funereal pace that made Michael and me pull our hair out - although it undoubtedly sounded fine to anyone unfamiliar with those pieces. Also the DJ (in whom we had so much faith) was after all a mind-boggling idiot.

Most importantly, though: our wedding was shut down by the police!

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Nice Day for a White Wedding

While Emerson and I were on our honeymoon, we were (of course) constantly rehashing and reliving The Most Beautiful Wedding Ever, when we came to realize that our wedding was really, really white. Back before the book came out, we used to read Stuff White People Like, so we decided to see exactly how much white people would like our wedding.

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Monday, October 13, 2008

We Now Return to your Regularly Scheduled Honeymoon Program

Do you know what happens when you show up to the airport just one minute after the 30-minute baggage check-in deadline? You have to stand in line all morning waiting to rebook your flight (and get bilked with no-longer-waivable fees). And you lose the first 7 hours of your honeymoon.

It's probably not so stressful (and slow!) if you're the only person in the airport to make this mistake - but I would say Delta's 6:40 flight to Cincinatti this morning was half empty. All those ticket holders were in the "International Check-in/Domestic Disappointment" line along with us.

On the upside, maybe you get the extra hour of sleep you wanted. And, you finally have a chance to buy those casual fall shoes you wanted for your vacation. And, you finally get a fancy lunch at the boutique hotel by the airport. And, your new itinerary puts you in scenic Sausalito just in time for dinner.

After the initial sting, this setback isn't so disappointing. Although, having some wedding pictures to enjoy would be soothing, too.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Holy Sh#t, We're Married!

I know that I should probably be doing something else other than blogging on the morning after my wedding but for some reason I am compelled to do so. So here we are.

We'll have a full wrap-up soon but I wanted to get a few thoughts down this morning.

The first thought is: holy shit, we're married! My second thought is, to quote the great Stephen Colbert: "Great wedding? Or greatest wedding?" My third thought is: Yuliya would be so disappointed.

I should probably leave it at that for now, but I will say one thing. My second favorite moment was when the horse galloped in triumphantly during the interlude and my favorite moment was when the burro came braying and kicking right after him. That's right. A burro.