I may have announced already - and somewhat triumphantly - that we are past the "planning" stage and entering the "execution." (The equivocation is intentional.)
It has actually been rather difficult to write entertaining, interesting and meaningful blog posts during this phase. It's hard to imagine that anyone would want to hear about our quest for the right flower bowls (footed compote or tole basket?), choosing the right pens for addressing invitations (brown ink - fine point - but not too fine), or yet another disquisition on matching shoes to belts (although - I GOT 'EM!).
This final phase is what separates grooms from Groomzillas.
One, of course, wishes to measure one's neuroses against others'. In this way, one could detect a "norm." There are virtually no friends, colleagues or (certainly) mothers who will ever tell you to your face that you're being crazy or - likeliest of all - annoying. I find myself wondering, "Is that a phony smile? Or are my envelopes genuinely fascinating?"
It is the beauty of the blogosphere, I suppose. No one will read these ramblings unless they are truly amazed (or worried?) by the involuted decision-making apparatus of this groom's addled brain.
To summarize: this week we finalized our invitation design, ordered envelopes and a return-address stamp, bought pens and ink, picked up our SHOES, paid the deposit for musicians, booked bachelor party travel, rescheduled our dance lesson and stared glassy-eyed at the shelves of a craft store.
This is life in the minutiae lane!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Of Vase and Pens
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Chuppah
It's not just beautiful in principle that Massachusetts allows all loving, committed couples to get married. Massachusetts also has Cape Cod, which is arguably the most gorgeous place in the USA for a wedding.
Last weekend we attended our first two-groom wedding, and it took place at the Heritage Museum and Gardens in scenic Sandwich. Andrew and Ethan are true-blue New Englanders, and I would describe the Cape as a setting custom-made for them. (I would not describe Cape roads as custom-made for Michael behind the wheel of a convertible Mustang, but that's a story for another day.)
I'll admit to being a little nervous about going to a gay wedding for the first time. My fear, I suppose, was that I would see people treating it as a "pretend" wedding, which is a fear I have about our wedding. In my anxious mind I hear patronizing voices say, "Aw, isn't that cute." There are still some people close to us who hesitate to use the W word, preferring to say, "big day," or just "event."
I was not just relieved but thrilled to see that my fears were unfounded. The wedding was absolutely authenticated by the grooms' obvious and total devotion to one another. There was no one who wasn't swept up in the feeling.
Michael read a surprisingly poetic passage from the Massachusetts Supreme Court decision known as Goodridge, the decision which made marriage equality a reality in that state. He couldn't quite keep his composure (he may kill me for posting this picture), but that turned into a lovely moment, with the grooms and their attendants and all the congregation feeling the power and liberation that had been achieved. There was nary a dry eye.
The reception was among the most fun I've yet enjoyed. Again, it was the grooms' total joy and love that gave the party such festivity. I am still glowing, five days later. The emotional pinnacle was Ethan's father's toast, delivered with an unrelenting catch in his voice - I believe there were more tears than champagne in my glass. What I experienced reinforced so strongly that a wedding is truly an act by and for families.
I feel as if we've crossed a threshold now. Not only are we on the inexorable Black Diamond slope toward our own wedding, but we've witnessed first-hand the institution we desire so much to join. It just occurs to me now that Andrew and Ethan are my new role models! They are not the first to blaze this trail, but for me they are my nearest and favorite exemplars. What a privilege it is to follow their steps.
Thanks to Jen and her mad skillz (and her magic camera) for these snaps!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Little Soft-Shoe Gentle Sway
As you may have gathered, we are not having a traditional wedding. Well, let me rephrase that: we are having a traditional wedding in the sense that we are retaining all the important elements of the marriage rite that connect us to our religious and cultural heritage. We are not retaining a good portion of the frivolities that come with the matrimonial industrial complex such as cake cutting, wedding parties, DJs with microphones and the chicken dance.
However for some reason, which neither one of us can remember, we kept the "first dance". Probably because it truly is a first dance, since Emerson and I have never danced together. Ever. That's not how we roll.
But nothing we do is ever easy. Our song is not a Bryan Adams pop ballad; it is Gershwin tune from an obscure 50s movie musical starring Bob Fosse, so two dudes swaying back and forth with their hands on each others' hips like they're dancing to "Yesterday" in the gym at their junior prom ain't gonna cut it.
Enter Yuliya...
Last week we sucked it up and laid out a hunk of cash to Yuliya, a Ukrainian baby doll who is going to teach us how to Foxtrot and choreograph a little routine for us. It'll be like if Pasha danced with Dmitry, only if Pasha and Dmitry were ten years older, 40 pounds heavier and didn't know how to dance. If we were in front of the judges, Mary Murphy would be like: "The way you're moving into your moves like your fall-away split pivot over-spin into your throw-away? Is it working for me? No, it isn't. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kick you off the hot tamale train."
Anyway, as you can imagine, there are, um, problems. Mostly with Emerson. First of all, I know a thing or two about Dance. I took ballroom dance classes in college and used to go salsa dancing in grad school (read "used to go" as "went once"). Emerson, on the other hand, has two gigantic left feet. So with my loads of experience and Emerson's lack of talent, I am a natural choice to lead.
But all of you astute readers out there are saying "Wait a sec! If you lead, doesn't that mean Emerson has to follow?!" Oh yes, boys and girls. It does. And I'm not convinced Emerson has followed anything in his life. Instructions. Directions. The clearly marked trails in the woods. Yuliya is not convinced either. We're trying to practice our one-two-quick-quicks and he's dragging me around, looking over his shoulder, paranoid that I'm going to dance him into a chair. And I just might do if he continues to be such a bad dancer.
So if we survive these dance lessons which are clearly a metaphor for our relationship vis a vis trust, control, communication and compatibility, we will have an awesome first dance. If not, one of us will clearly end up dead.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Why Get Married?
It's not uncommon for us to be asked why we are getting married in North Carolina. From friends and family as well as strangers. I suppose the reasoning goes, why get married if the government doesn't recognize it; if it isn't legal? Sometimes the question is a little more crass - why get married if it doesn't really mean anything?
Most people don't get asked that question. They'll get asked, why are you marrying so-and-so? Or why haven't you two gotten married yet? Or, do you plan on getting married someday? But not, why get married if it's pointless?
As a result, I have had the opportunity over the last five years to think about marriage a lot, which has required that I make explicit what most people intuitively understand about marriage, but never examine or articulate. Despite this silence, there is something about marriage that makes us want to go so far as to amend the Constitution over it.
This is a good opportunity for me to try to explain, for you and for myself, exactly why Emerson and I are spending so much time and energy and money on what a majority of the country sees as nothing but a big party. So.... why are we getting married?
Because marriage is important.
And contrary to what you might hear from the ironically named Focus on the Family, it is not important because of babies. Certainly babies are a key component but when you want to create a family you don't start from scratch, building one up de novo, just like GM doesn't reinvent the wheel every time they design a new car. I already have a family and so does Emerson. The second we get married, though, we have created a new family, not from the mysterious ether of our love, but by joining our previously independent families together.
The family really is the basic building block of society; just look at any of the numerous European interbred monarchies and you can get a glimpse of why uniting two individuals unites whole swathes of people. And that is important because we are fragile organisms. We need other people to survive. If something happens to one of us, we are not living in a vacuum, a happy unit of two charging against the world. I no longer only have the support of my family, but his family as well, which is, of course, no longer my family and his family but our family. And that support is not really optional. Families, unlike knitting clubs and drinking buddies, have a binding responsibility for one another.
That is how I view marriage. Marriage is responsibility. And not just for us to be responsible for each other but for society to be responsible for us.
And the reason that we are getting married, even if it doesn't "mean anything" in North Carolina, is that marriage is not a private matter between two consenting adults who should have the right to do whatever the hell they want. Marriage is a public affair. We certainly don't need a marriage certificate to tell the world that love and care for each other, or that we plan to spend the rest of our lives inseparable. Spend three minutes with us and I think you'll figure it out.
No, we are getting married because we are asking for you to be responsible for our union. And that's an intuitive thing. If your best friend tells you he's breaking up with his girlfriend, you'd be curious and maybe a little concerned but it's his life and it isn't working out. But if he tells you he's thinking of divorcing his wife? He better have a damn good reason. Emerson is not my boyfriend. And we want you to know that.
For the rest of the world, society is ready to jump in and do just that, and that's why we have both civil and religious marriage. But Emerson and I don't have that formalized support. Our community (in the form of the State of North Carolina) won't offer that to us, but that cannot and will not stop us from asking for it. If it can't be from the state then it will be from our own community of family and friends, and before God (and on a goat farm).
We are also not forging a new path, creating something new and different and revolutionary. What we are doing is deeply rooted in tradition and in the human psyche. And as we are asking society to take responsibility for us, we in turn have a responsibility to enter into marriage. Marriage is so vital to human society, so vital to the kingdom of God, that we cannot allow ourselves to be given a free pass from that immense responsibility. The "benefits" we would get from legal marriage are of little importance when you compare them to pleasure and sacrifice and comfort and responsibility of entering fully into the most ancient and sacred of human traditions.
Emerson is not my boyfriend and he is not my partner. But I cannot truly call him my husband until that promise is witnessed. The wedding rites will not be created fresh to fit our particular wants precisely because marriage is not something that we desire; it is a necessity. And it is not within the power of the government to deny us participation in that rite because it transcends the state as it transcends us.
And that is why we are getting married. Well, that and the kick-ass party.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Brassy
So, since we got engaged . . . Okay, I'll stop there. I was about to tell a lie.
Since well before we got engaged, I have wanted a brass quintet to play for the wedding. Through all our many hair-brained ideas and scouted locations, I imagined live brass in each of them. Almost nothing could be more extravagant, and make even a little picnic on a goat farm into an elegant and uplifting occasion.
Well, we got one! Miraculously, we can afford it.
But that's hardly half the story.
I would say I know more about modern and contemporary chamber music than the average person. Which is not saying much. I am certainly no connoisseur. Those people are crazy. But I know enough to name a half-dozen important composers I admire and pieces that move me. I have known for years that I wanted a brass quintet with the talent and flexibility to play something fresh and unexpected. No Pachelbel, no Vivaldi, no Titanic.
I thought that graduate students (or talented college students) would be ideal for this. They are hungry for opportunities to perform and make a little money, and they have a still-youthful passion for music that might broaden their palate. And, let me tell you that "contact your local college" is the most prevalent piece of advice in budget/DIY wedding guides. So, obviously people have done this with some success!
Knowing that our local "kudzu league" university has a pretty strong music program and a renowned student orchestra, I sent an email to their student president (it operates as both a curriculum and a club). He replied within a couple of days, and forwarded my request to the whole wind orchestra. I got two nibbles from individual musicians (a trombonist and a flautist, which . . . anyway), and one very promising reply from a young man leading a brass quintet of his own!
As you can imagine, I replied right away, and enthusiastically. But then - surprise, surprise - only silence for several weeks. I left messages on his cell and at his home, I sent probably six emails. Finally, we spoke.
All my hopes for a cheap-yet-boundlessly-creative student ensemble were dashed.
Not only was this group of students wildly more expensive than the highest estimated price I had encountered for professionals, but they really couldn't play anything other than standard boring wedding fare. Or, more accurately, "Faire," as they also specialized in Renaissance weddings.
Finding myself back at square one, I followed up with some students who had replied to my initial request, but found silence there as well. Undoubtedly, because it's summer, they were off doing exciting things in Malawi and at various law firms.
I contacted a well-known trumpeter, recommended to me by our dear and lovely soprano vocalist (more about her later), but after a month of waiting, he replied that he would be playing another wedding that day, and that three of the five members of his ensemble would be otherwise engaged, as well.
Finally, seeing no other options - and coming to peace with a brass-less wedding - I called the music booker recommended by our caterer. As you can imagine, lacking faith in our caterer, I had avoided taking this recommendation. I assumed the booker would offer us something both expensive and uninspiring.
Oh, was I wrong.
The booker was absolutely delightful. Professional, respectful, prompt and efficient. when I told her our budget she firmly committed to find us a quintet for "a lot less," and she did. Hallelujah!
But what I had not foreseen was that my above-average yet quite-limited knowledge of music would be called upon immediately, and quickly proven inadequate. The quintet needs a set list in just a few days, at the same time we send our deposit. We have an idea what "sound" we want, but can we (could we ever) possibly come up with a specific list of pieces?
Let me admit that very little good work has come out of my office these past two days, although I look as studious as a philomath in my office with the door closed. Am I busily writing proposals? No, sir. I am listening to the great works of Adams, Barber, Copland, Dahl, Ewald, Ives, Ligeti and dozens of obscure others, in order of descending popularity.
I am trying to guess which string quartets, which saxophone concertos, which piano sonatas will easily and beautifully transmogrify into brass chorales. Of course, I have no idea what this group of musicians can play or are willing to arrange or learn.
But there are two things I am sure of: we are having a brass quintet at our wedding, and I know more about modern chamber music than I ever imagined, but still a little less than those nutty fanatics.
Papercuts
Last weekend, another pair of dear friends came down from New York to keep us company. One will be a reader during our wedding ceremony, and the other will be designing our invitations. We have written a lot about his talent already.
I suppose, as of this week, I shouldn't say, "he will be designing," but "he is designing." The work of design is intense and arduous. We spent three hours on Saturday mostly looking at fonts and typing our names over and over. Minute differences in the shape of the serif or the height of the small-caps make a visible difference.
Awesomely, we found the "look" that suits us and our celebration best. It fits our country style, patriotic motif and old-fashioned-casual aesthetic. I wish I could share it! But I'll wait until the invitations are in the mail, so I don't spoil the surprise.
Meanwhile, I'll share something cool that's also going in the envelope.
We know that many couples like to provide their out-of-town guests with guidance and information. How else would they know where to brunch?! But our impulse is to plan, plan and plan some more. So, with the help of our designer, we'll be making a cool orientation packet to send along with the invitation, and here's a little snapshot:
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Beta-Blockers
So I have been to a fair number of weddings this summer. The time it takes me to go from entering the wedding to crying tears of happiness is proportional to the number of days until my wedding, as the various brides and wedding guests can surely attest to. Probably a photographer or two as well. I am increasingly worried for my own pending nuptials.
I didn't used to be like this. I was a cynical, heartless viper when it came to all things treacle*. But now, for the love of God, I am an emotional wreck. I'm even crying right now. Seriously. It's a good thing I have my office to myself. I am truly afraid that I am not going to be able to get through the processional without my face becoming puffy and bloated from the floodgates of joyful emotion. So I need a pro-active solution
I could try yoga or meditation or some other new-agey homeopathic touchy-feely garbage. But not only am I highly skeptical of anything remotely connected to mindful breathing or southern California, that stuff is, like, time-consuming. I believe in the quick fix; better living through modern chemistry. And here-in lies the problem.
They don't make don't-cry-at-your-own-wedding drugs. I know. I've looked.
I suppose social anxiety medicine would work but I know a guy who took propranolol before a public speaking event and, well, let's just say it was less than ideal. So maybe I'll just pop a few xanies right before and hope for the best. It's not like I have to remember anything more complicated than "I do."
*This might not be entirely accurate. Some of you may remember the time(s) when I (theater geek alert!) sobbed uncontrollably when Gavroche was shot. And maybe Fantine. And others. But I did not, I repeat, did not cry during Miss Saigon. A boy must have standards.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
This Is Why
Michael is in Boston right now for somebody else's wedding and yet somebody else's bachelor party. I'm here getting the house and yard ready for a July 4 cookout, and enjoying some one-on-one puppy time.
Earlier in our relationship, I used to relish Michael's periodic trips. I'd chow down on junk food and watch hour after hour of home improvement shows.
No longer. What I've discovered this weekend in particular is that I very much need the structure and support of married life. On my own this weekend, I don't feel so much "free" as disoriented. I never know when, where or what to eat. I stood in the beer aisle of the grocery store for about half an hour, dumbfounded. And, in the past 18 hours, I have broken, um, a few things. I'm even wearing Crocs . . . outside the house!
Get your party on and come home quick, monkey of love! I am a useless schmuck without you! Come home soon, and we'll get married, okay?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Howard Beale Moment
I am not going to bad-mouth our caterers in public. Seriously. They are almost certainly the best caterers in this area, and they are going to do a great job. They make damn good food; they understand and play along with our crazy ideas (e.g., heritage pigs); and, they know how to get the details just right in achieving a beautiful event.
But, as you may know, we were having some problems. It was like pulling teeth to get the clear, detailed answers we needed to keep our budget under control. We felt nickled-and-dimed by unexplained surcharges and exorbitant bartending fees, among other things. We were losing trust, not to mention our savings. To be frank, we contemplated postponing or canceling the wedding for fear of going too deeply into debt.
Finally, yesterday, we channeled our frustration into action. In a very firm but very clear way, we delineated exactly what expenses we refused to pay. We requested the discounts to which we felt entitled because of reserving the date so early. We insisted on a complete, clear, detailed spreadsheet of charges. We insisted that the catering staff coordinate more closely with the farm staff to find cost savings, such as eliminating unnecessary rentals.
You know what?
It worked. Just by doing the bold, grown-up thing, we have shaved at least 10% off the cost of this wedding, all in a matter of minutes.
On the one hand, it feels great to have "beaten" the system that takes advantage of every couple's desire for a perfect, magical day. But more importantly, it feels good to have taken responsibility for getting what we needed, putting our concerns first and communicating clearly.
Now, maybe for the rest of the week, I want to take on the world, with the voice of Peter Finch ringing in my ears: "You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddammit! My life has VALUE!'"
Thursday, June 19, 2008
And It Begins...
We are psyched. We got our first wedding present in the mail, yesterday. Whoever sent it, and we know who you are because it told us, gets a gold star for being the first out of the gate, proving once and for all that you do not actually need to have received an invitation to send us gifts. In fact, if you send us a gift early, we promise that we will still invite you to the wedding, even though each person we cut from the invitation list gets us that much closer to a toilet at the wedding.
And speaking of firsts, I'm glad I got to post this before Emerson because we are in a highly competitive relationship and I very rarely get to win. And he's been checking the registries daily, hoping that someone will start the gifting, so it probably will pain him to no end to learn that I got to post about it first!
Yes, that is the kind of relationship we have. I win, sucka!!!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A Stitch in Time
I believe that I have, in the past, mocked brides for obsessing over the size and shape of their bustles. My thought - and I'm about to apologize for it - has always been, "Buy a shorter dress!" Getting dressed should be fun and easy!
I say I am ready to apologize because, as wedding things start falling into place, I have a little bit of breathing room to think about what I'm going to wear. As I have mentioned before, I found the perfect suit. I have even found a tailor, who works in-house for the eminent menswear store Julian's in Chapel Hill.
I even believe that I have found the right shoes - the saddle-tan version of a black pair I already own and love. So what's the sticking point? What is my own personal bustle dilemma?
Top stitching.
The shoes have brown top-stitching, which looks appropriate for daytime and outdoors, but is still dressy.
But the only belts Cole-Haan produces in the same tan leather have white top-stitching or (gasp!) braiding. Can you imagine? My country wedding is not an episode of Hee Haw!
Check out the shoes and the "coordinating" belts. Will any of them suffice? Should I look for a different shoe? This one is such a nice shoe for the price. Or, should I look for a belt that almost-but-doesn't-quite-match colors?
(Do note that the colors on the screen are not true to the colors in person.)
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Breathless Anticipation
So, we set out a work plan, and it did us a world of good. We made a lot of progress, but there are still many open questions, and we are 128 days (gasp) from our wedding day.
We haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because we like to wait until things are settled, and right now, almost everything is in a state of uncertainty.
As promised, here is an update on our objectives - I hope this doesn't give you hives as it gives me:
1. Invite the officiant by May 2. Status: Almost settled. Officiant invited in a long, emotional conversation. Officiant accepted invitation, but there are some lingering complications involving the superior of his religious order, and some very valid concerns about public perceptions. This is "settled enough" but of course we are praying very hard that we don't end up with no officiant at the last minute.
2. Hire a DJ by May 22. Status: Complete! And we are thrilled with the young, cool, enthusiastic DJ we found at a price almost half of the "prestige" DJ that our caterer suggested.
3. Plan Ceremony Music by May 22. Status: Totally unsettled. We spoke to musicians for the first time last night, and not only are they more expensive than we hoped to pay (for students, no less), but it's not certain that they can fulfill our musical wishes. On the other hand, this may be a case where compromise is totally acceptable. In other words, it will be awesome to have a brass ensemble, even if they play more traditional music than we would prefer.
4. Walk-Through with the Tent Guy on May 23. Status: Limbo. We had our walk-through, and it was not a happy day. The tent guy had utter disrespect for our money and our budget, which was quite disturbing. He and the caterer seem to think that we need to rent a $1,200 outhouse, and separate chairs for the ceremony and the reception. We are still awaiting a quote that was due last week. This is either going to turn into a tooth-and-nail fight to protect our budget, or we are going to have to betray the caterer (whatever, this is business) and go with another rental company altogether.
5. Design and Print Invitations beginning May 28. Status: Good progress. We had a really fun meeting with the designer and artist who are working on this project, and they were both exactly as enthusiastic and creative as we hoped they would be. The "edition" that will come in the envelope is going to be really cool, and the invitation itself is going to be beautiful. We even visited the paper supplier, and discovered that paper is going to be really affordable! Our next step is providing the final text for all the pieces so these guys can get to work.
6. Book the Buses by June 1. Status: Complete! Our guests who stay in downtown Durham or in the Hillandale area will be able to enjoy themselves with abandon since they have a ride to and from the wedding. As this was the subject of my worst nightmare earlier this year, I am relieved to have this task finished.
7. Finalize the Menu by June 6. Status: Incomplete but not urgent. We have been in ongoing communication with the caterer about the menu, but really it does not need to be finalized until a few weeks before the wedding. The pigs, as you know by now, are secured, though we still don't know how much we're paying - presumably about two or three times the budget, given the pattern we've seen. And, we need to decide if we are going to serve fried hors d'œuvre, since those require special rentals.
8. Get a Florist by June 30. Status: Incomplete and getting urgent. You know we want to keep this simple, and our moms are going to help out a lot. Michael spoke with one farmer who said, "Sure," but I hope we can get a more secure agreement and a freakin' quote. Why's it so hard to get a quote here? Is everybody in North Carolina secretly rich?
9. Figure out the Bar by August 15. Status: Good progress, with a bump in the road. Here's the bump: we thought that by providing our own hard liquor we could save money. Au contraire! Not only are we required by law to provide and deliver our own liquor, but we also have to pay $4 $5.25 per pour for cocktails! Where I'm from this is known as a "scam." In any case, it helped us plan the bar! One hour of butlered cocktails is it. And, we're doing well on the wine selection. I believe we actually have delicious, affordable wines picked out, and the incomparable (if slightly tacky) Total Wine & More is giving us a case discount on specially ordered magnums. Finally, somebody willing to help us out!
After writing this list I have to tell you I am more than a little bit tempted to lump the catering, the rentals, and everything else and turn this wedding into a backyard barbecue picnic. That would be equally fun, right?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
My Favorite Email So Far
Now, it's obvious that I'm as easily delighted as I am annoyed. And you know that my stimuli are different than other people's stimuli.
I hope our caterer won't mind my posting this note she sent to our farmer/friend, and cc'd us:
I just got off the phone with one of our chefs (the pork guru). And, he said that for 105 people we would need two 60-pound hogs. Does this sound alright to you? We would want it delivered to our shop on Wednesday October 8th, sometime that morning. He said if you could cut it up in primals, that would be ideal (said you would know what that meant).Truly one of the most exciting things I've read this year!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Honey-(new)-moon
Maybe it's because we started planning too early, but we've had plenty of time to second-guess the numerous plans we made during this two-year engagement.
We were so pleased and proud to have chosen Portugal as our honeymoon destination. An unusual choice, romatic, culinary, with fine weather in October. Unfortunately, the high price of oil and the low value of the dollar have caused us some trouble - especially as our wedding budget has ballooned.
We started revisiting an earlier idea - not fully developed at the time - and now we may have struck upon an even better honeymoon plan: Mendocino County, California.
Below, a full table of comparison between the two options . . .
Category: Itinerary
Mendocino: Mostly relaxing with periodic bouts of adventure, interspersed with great wine and spa treatments. A+
Portugal: Mostly sightseeing with periodic feasts of succulent pork, interspersed with driving and struggling with language. A-
Category: Accomodations
Mendocino: Posh spa resorts on the oceanfront. A+
Portugal: B&Bs and affordable "boutique" hotels. B
Category: Activities
Mendocino: Abalone hunting, mushroom foraging, wine tasting, hiking among redwoods. Did I mention spa treatments? A+
Portugal: Churches, castles, wine tasting. A
Category: Beaches
Mendocino: Breathtaking, but cold and rugged. B+
Portugal: Warm, sandy, and relaxing. A
Category: Food
Mendocino: Locally grown cuisine at the height of harvest season, fresh seafood including famous Tomales Bay oysters. A+
Portugal: Salt cod and suckling pigs. Not for everyone, but for us it's A+.
Category: Currency
Mendocino: $1 = $1. B
Portugal: €1 = $1.57. D
Category: Airfare
Mendocino: $300 (economy), $1,150 (first). A
Lisbon: $900 (economy), $5,000 (first). C
Category: Weather
Mendocino: Mild to cool, with regular fog and rain. C
Portugal: Mild to warm, with periodic fog and rain. B
Category: Homophobia
Mendocino: Nonexistent. A+
Portugal: Low in cities, high in the country. B-
Although Mendocino is the clear winner on these merits, it'll never be Europe. And Europe has such a unique appeal for the honeymooner, in particular. What do you think? Do we save Portugal for another day, when the recession is passed and the world has regained its confidence in the U.S. of A?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Good Enough for Now, I Guess
I received a sweet, unexpected email from my sister yesterday saying, simply, "Congratulations!" on the occasion of the California Supreme Court's decision to . . . erm . . . stop the politicians from robbing a whole class of human beings of their rights.
I just wrote and then deleted a long and pessimistic post about the state of the world and the slow progress of justice. It is true, I think, that this week's "victory" is too small, too temporary, and is overshadowed by the seemingly inexhaustible mass of fear and ignorance. So I'm trying again for something more optimistic.
As I wrote of my anger today, I also began to feel compassion for those who sense their power - their long history of privilege and authority - being stripped away. It is this anxiety and loss in the face of radical changes in the world that leads them to fight against marriage equality, among other objectively good changes. When I hear them say, "think of the children," or "threat to the family," or "it's a slippery slope," I know that those are merely effigies of hurt feelings.
At the risk of sounding condescending, I would pray for them, that they should every day reflect on the fact that all their power, all their privilege, that all authority and all dominion come from God. Power is not a right, but a costly gift, and one that we all - who possess it - are called upon to steward wisely as we strive to live more fully in God's image. Our power gives us the capacity to choose the right, to love one another, and to live well.
I also pray that my own patience and compassion should increase. I know that I share in the sinful tendency to translate my subjective experiences into a putatively objective reality. I should remember that my moral judgments primarily stem from my own anxiety, and that by better understanding my fears as well as my desires, I will see the world and people more clearly.
I am happy that so many California couples, after years of faithful love, now possess the right to seal their unions under the law and in the witness of the community. I am happy that these justices understand that democracy - and, indeed, civilization - depend upon the rule of law and not majority rule. But I am unhappy that this is so extraordinary an occurrence. We are living in the 21st century, and yet our progress is continually offset by fear and ignorance.
Perhaps the resolution to this ambivalence is to shift one's focus from the general to the particular. If one sets one's sights on the vast and perpetual battle between human dignity and human darkness, one is inevitably frustrated. The score is impossible to calculate at that scale. But in reflecting on the love one feels and the love one witnesses, gosh, in this there is so much comfort.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Peaches Party
Truth be told, I too am growing quite fond of the dog. But it is not for lack of puppy love that I am hesitant to allow Gunndi to be a part of our wedding. It is that, long before she came into our lives, I had suggested that we find some way to involve the Peach in the ceremony. My suggestion was met with derision, yet I fail to see why it is any crazier than having the dog participate.
For one thing, the cat is clearly more obedient. She is more likely than the dog to come when she is called, and she won't touch the food on the buffet as she is a very fastidious eater and since we are probably not serving lamb and rice pellets we should have nothing to worry about. She is also much tidier than the dog; for example, if we leave a pile of dirty laundry out on the floor too long, Peaches gently reminds us that we need to take care of it by kindly urinating on it.
So on the whole, not only will the cat be a better animal member of the wedding party, she was around first. So I will be damned if that smelly creature who wakes me up at the crack of dawn and tries to eat the food off my dinner plate gets to be a part of my special day but the preciousest of all all preciouses, my princess Peaches Pussypants, does not. So there.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Tableaux Vivants
In the perpetual effort to do something unique - have I mentioned that I am very competitive? - the issue of long vs. round vs. square tables keeps cropping up.
Long banquet tables are very hot right now. They have a dramatic look and good symbolism, with everyone sitting together like Medicis in their piano nobile. It would seem that they are more expensive, because you have to rent more long tables than round tables to seat the same number of people. I also assume the long linens are more expensive, because the whole rental system is designed to punish you for having ideas. And, you need more flower arrangements for this to look right.
The other trendy thing to do is to mix square tables (eight-tops, as any waiter would say) with round tables. You get a good visual impact thanks to the variety, and you retain the flexibility of those round tables, which can seat 7 - 10 people.
Finally, what is probably the sensible thing to do, is to stick with all round tables and to be creative with the tabletop decor. Rounds have lots of room for "tablescaping" with flowers, lanterns, and other stuff.
The real complicating factors here are budget and space. I have planned countless catered affairs before, but they were gala fundraisers with huge budgets. And they were in New York. The circumstances here are so different, it's like starting from scratch. And our caterer is so accustomed to working with wealthy clients that she hasn't been very detailed or concerned with budget issues; her estimate didn't even show the rentals itemized.
I guess when we do our rentals walk-through in two weeks, we'll have to demand three separate, detailed estimates, and we'll try to maximize. I just hate having these ideas hanging out there in the purely theoretical realm, when we have only 5 months left. ACK!!!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Puppy Party!
If you asked me just a few months ago - before Gunndi came into our lives - if I thought it was a good idea to have a dog in a bow take part in our wedding, my answer would have been an unqualified No.
Oh, how things change.
In the past several weeks, sympathy has turned to warmth, and warmth has turned to love. That filthy, hyperactive, greedy creature has nuzzled her way into my heart. It's not a matter of wanting her to be a flower girl - it's simply that I would miss her so much if she weren't around on our wedding day.
Now that we are doggie daddies (or puppy papas?), a surprising number of people assume that Gunndi will be there with a big bow around her neck. And, she loves the farm; she loves the dogs who live there (adorable Bubba, Ike, and Sissy). She's good in crowds of people, especially if they pet her.
Michael is still opposed to her attendance. I can see his point. She has little self control. God knows she'd try to eat the whole buffet, and a wrong move by any squirrel could ruin the ceremony. She'd be a terrible ring bearer, with her lack of focus and love of running. But she's so darn cute! What would you do?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Don't Cry Out Loud
Michael and I have a certain problem in common: we are both pretty much on the verge of tears at all times. It takes approximately one drink and the rhythm guitar opening of Love Is a Battlefield to get us seriously sobbing. Our wedding ceremony is destined to be a tear-drenched mess of Terms of Endearment proportions.
Since alcohol won't help, and we've successfully avoided Xanax so far, what can we do to keep the emotional outbursts in check? Aromatherapy? Yoga?
I'm a little bit unsteady right now, just thinking about it! We are strong . . . no one can tell us we're wrong . . .
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Important Hotel Update
Well, the Marriott people weren't lying when they said we picked a big weekend. The hotel is, apparently, booked up, and taking no more online reservations at this time. Some rooms may be released as the date draws nearer, and we suggest you try calling 800-228-9290, as things change every day, and an operator may be able to help.
Meanwhile, please remember that we have a block reservation of our own at the Courtyard, and the rate is only $78. We will be running a bus from that hotel to the wedding site. The reservation number is 919-309-1500, and mention Bruno-Beyer wedding for the group price.
Across the street from the Courtyard is the Comfort Inn Medical Park, which currently has plenty of rooms available for $89 and $99. The phone number there is 919-471-6100.
For those who would prefer to stay downtown (and there are many reasons to do so), we have identified some alternatives, including three highly recommended B&B's. They are all within walking distance (particularly for you city folks) of the Marriott, where you can pick up the wedding bus.
Blooming Garden Inn
Morehead Manor
Old North Durham Inn
The Duke Tower Residential Suites seems like a genuinely cool option. It's in the "arts" section of downtown in a strange historic building, near to the farmer's market. And it's super cheap! Reviews on Tripadvisor are very good, too.
For those of you who plan to rent a car for exploring the town, there are many more options near Duke University, including the Washington Duke Inn, the Hilton, and the Millennium. Finally, don't forget the lovely Arrowhead Inn is within 5 minutes of the wedding site.
