Michael is in Boston right now for somebody else's wedding and yet somebody else's bachelor party. I'm here getting the house and yard ready for a July 4 cookout, and enjoying some one-on-one puppy time.
Earlier in our relationship, I used to relish Michael's periodic trips. I'd chow down on junk food and watch hour after hour of home improvement shows.
No longer. What I've discovered this weekend in particular is that I very much need the structure and support of married life. On my own this weekend, I don't feel so much "free" as disoriented. I never know when, where or what to eat. I stood in the beer aisle of the grocery store for about half an hour, dumbfounded. And, in the past 18 hours, I have broken, um, a few things. I'm even wearing Crocs . . . outside the house!
Get your party on and come home quick, monkey of love! I am a useless schmuck without you! Come home soon, and we'll get married, okay?
Saturday, June 28, 2008
This Is Why
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Howard Beale Moment
I am not going to bad-mouth our caterers in public. Seriously. They are almost certainly the best caterers in this area, and they are going to do a great job. They make damn good food; they understand and play along with our crazy ideas (e.g., heritage pigs); and, they know how to get the details just right in achieving a beautiful event.
But, as you may know, we were having some problems. It was like pulling teeth to get the clear, detailed answers we needed to keep our budget under control. We felt nickled-and-dimed by unexplained surcharges and exorbitant bartending fees, among other things. We were losing trust, not to mention our savings. To be frank, we contemplated postponing or canceling the wedding for fear of going too deeply into debt.
Finally, yesterday, we channeled our frustration into action. In a very firm but very clear way, we delineated exactly what expenses we refused to pay. We requested the discounts to which we felt entitled because of reserving the date so early. We insisted on a complete, clear, detailed spreadsheet of charges. We insisted that the catering staff coordinate more closely with the farm staff to find cost savings, such as eliminating unnecessary rentals.
You know what?
It worked. Just by doing the bold, grown-up thing, we have shaved at least 10% off the cost of this wedding, all in a matter of minutes.
On the one hand, it feels great to have "beaten" the system that takes advantage of every couple's desire for a perfect, magical day. But more importantly, it feels good to have taken responsibility for getting what we needed, putting our concerns first and communicating clearly.
Now, maybe for the rest of the week, I want to take on the world, with the voice of Peter Finch ringing in my ears: "You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddammit! My life has VALUE!'"
Thursday, June 19, 2008
And It Begins...
We are psyched. We got our first wedding present in the mail, yesterday. Whoever sent it, and we know who you are because it told us, gets a gold star for being the first out of the gate, proving once and for all that you do not actually need to have received an invitation to send us gifts. In fact, if you send us a gift early, we promise that we will still invite you to the wedding, even though each person we cut from the invitation list gets us that much closer to a toilet at the wedding.
And speaking of firsts, I'm glad I got to post this before Emerson because we are in a highly competitive relationship and I very rarely get to win. And he's been checking the registries daily, hoping that someone will start the gifting, so it probably will pain him to no end to learn that I got to post about it first!
Yes, that is the kind of relationship we have. I win, sucka!!!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A Stitch in Time
I believe that I have, in the past, mocked brides for obsessing over the size and shape of their bustles. My thought - and I'm about to apologize for it - has always been, "Buy a shorter dress!" Getting dressed should be fun and easy!
I say I am ready to apologize because, as wedding things start falling into place, I have a little bit of breathing room to think about what I'm going to wear. As I have mentioned before, I found the perfect suit. I have even found a tailor, who works in-house for the eminent menswear store Julian's in Chapel Hill.
I even believe that I have found the right shoes - the saddle-tan version of a black pair I already own and love. So what's the sticking point? What is my own personal bustle dilemma?
Top stitching.
The shoes have brown top-stitching, which looks appropriate for daytime and outdoors, but is still dressy.
But the only belts Cole-Haan produces in the same tan leather have white top-stitching or (gasp!) braiding. Can you imagine? My country wedding is not an episode of Hee Haw!
Check out the shoes and the "coordinating" belts. Will any of them suffice? Should I look for a different shoe? This one is such a nice shoe for the price. Or, should I look for a belt that almost-but-doesn't-quite-match colors?
(Do note that the colors on the screen are not true to the colors in person.)
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Breathless Anticipation
So, we set out a work plan, and it did us a world of good. We made a lot of progress, but there are still many open questions, and we are 128 days (gasp) from our wedding day.
We haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because we like to wait until things are settled, and right now, almost everything is in a state of uncertainty.
As promised, here is an update on our objectives - I hope this doesn't give you hives as it gives me:
1. Invite the officiant by May 2. Status: Almost settled. Officiant invited in a long, emotional conversation. Officiant accepted invitation, but there are some lingering complications involving the superior of his religious order, and some very valid concerns about public perceptions. This is "settled enough" but of course we are praying very hard that we don't end up with no officiant at the last minute.
2. Hire a DJ by May 22. Status: Complete! And we are thrilled with the young, cool, enthusiastic DJ we found at a price almost half of the "prestige" DJ that our caterer suggested.
3. Plan Ceremony Music by May 22. Status: Totally unsettled. We spoke to musicians for the first time last night, and not only are they more expensive than we hoped to pay (for students, no less), but it's not certain that they can fulfill our musical wishes. On the other hand, this may be a case where compromise is totally acceptable. In other words, it will be awesome to have a brass ensemble, even if they play more traditional music than we would prefer.
4. Walk-Through with the Tent Guy on May 23. Status: Limbo. We had our walk-through, and it was not a happy day. The tent guy had utter disrespect for our money and our budget, which was quite disturbing. He and the caterer seem to think that we need to rent a $1,200 outhouse, and separate chairs for the ceremony and the reception. We are still awaiting a quote that was due last week. This is either going to turn into a tooth-and-nail fight to protect our budget, or we are going to have to betray the caterer (whatever, this is business) and go with another rental company altogether.
5. Design and Print Invitations beginning May 28. Status: Good progress. We had a really fun meeting with the designer and artist who are working on this project, and they were both exactly as enthusiastic and creative as we hoped they would be. The "edition" that will come in the envelope is going to be really cool, and the invitation itself is going to be beautiful. We even visited the paper supplier, and discovered that paper is going to be really affordable! Our next step is providing the final text for all the pieces so these guys can get to work.
6. Book the Buses by June 1. Status: Complete! Our guests who stay in downtown Durham or in the Hillandale area will be able to enjoy themselves with abandon since they have a ride to and from the wedding. As this was the subject of my worst nightmare earlier this year, I am relieved to have this task finished.
7. Finalize the Menu by June 6. Status: Incomplete but not urgent. We have been in ongoing communication with the caterer about the menu, but really it does not need to be finalized until a few weeks before the wedding. The pigs, as you know by now, are secured, though we still don't know how much we're paying - presumably about two or three times the budget, given the pattern we've seen. And, we need to decide if we are going to serve fried hors d'œuvre, since those require special rentals.
8. Get a Florist by June 30. Status: Incomplete and getting urgent. You know we want to keep this simple, and our moms are going to help out a lot. Michael spoke with one farmer who said, "Sure," but I hope we can get a more secure agreement and a freakin' quote. Why's it so hard to get a quote here? Is everybody in North Carolina secretly rich?
9. Figure out the Bar by August 15. Status: Good progress, with a bump in the road. Here's the bump: we thought that by providing our own hard liquor we could save money. Au contraire! Not only are we required by law to provide and deliver our own liquor, but we also have to pay $4 $5.25 per pour for cocktails! Where I'm from this is known as a "scam." In any case, it helped us plan the bar! One hour of butlered cocktails is it. And, we're doing well on the wine selection. I believe we actually have delicious, affordable wines picked out, and the incomparable (if slightly tacky) Total Wine & More is giving us a case discount on specially ordered magnums. Finally, somebody willing to help us out!
After writing this list I have to tell you I am more than a little bit tempted to lump the catering, the rentals, and everything else and turn this wedding into a backyard barbecue picnic. That would be equally fun, right?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
My Favorite Email So Far
Now, it's obvious that I'm as easily delighted as I am annoyed. And you know that my stimuli are different than other people's stimuli.
I hope our caterer won't mind my posting this note she sent to our farmer/friend, and cc'd us:
I just got off the phone with one of our chefs (the pork guru). And, he said that for 105 people we would need two 60-pound hogs. Does this sound alright to you? We would want it delivered to our shop on Wednesday October 8th, sometime that morning. He said if you could cut it up in primals, that would be ideal (said you would know what that meant).Truly one of the most exciting things I've read this year!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Honey-(new)-moon
Maybe it's because we started planning too early, but we've had plenty of time to second-guess the numerous plans we made during this two-year engagement.
We were so pleased and proud to have chosen Portugal as our honeymoon destination. An unusual choice, romatic, culinary, with fine weather in October. Unfortunately, the high price of oil and the low value of the dollar have caused us some trouble - especially as our wedding budget has ballooned.
We started revisiting an earlier idea - not fully developed at the time - and now we may have struck upon an even better honeymoon plan: Mendocino County, California.
Below, a full table of comparison between the two options . . .
Category: Itinerary
Mendocino: Mostly relaxing with periodic bouts of adventure, interspersed with great wine and spa treatments. A+
Portugal: Mostly sightseeing with periodic feasts of succulent pork, interspersed with driving and struggling with language. A-
Category: Accomodations
Mendocino: Posh spa resorts on the oceanfront. A+
Portugal: B&Bs and affordable "boutique" hotels. B
Category: Activities
Mendocino: Abalone hunting, mushroom foraging, wine tasting, hiking among redwoods. Did I mention spa treatments? A+
Portugal: Churches, castles, wine tasting. A
Category: Beaches
Mendocino: Breathtaking, but cold and rugged. B+
Portugal: Warm, sandy, and relaxing. A
Category: Food
Mendocino: Locally grown cuisine at the height of harvest season, fresh seafood including famous Tomales Bay oysters. A+
Portugal: Salt cod and suckling pigs. Not for everyone, but for us it's A+.
Category: Currency
Mendocino: $1 = $1. B
Portugal: €1 = $1.57. D
Category: Airfare
Mendocino: $300 (economy), $1,150 (first). A
Lisbon: $900 (economy), $5,000 (first). C
Category: Weather
Mendocino: Mild to cool, with regular fog and rain. C
Portugal: Mild to warm, with periodic fog and rain. B
Category: Homophobia
Mendocino: Nonexistent. A+
Portugal: Low in cities, high in the country. B-
Although Mendocino is the clear winner on these merits, it'll never be Europe. And Europe has such a unique appeal for the honeymooner, in particular. What do you think? Do we save Portugal for another day, when the recession is passed and the world has regained its confidence in the U.S. of A?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Good Enough for Now, I Guess
I received a sweet, unexpected email from my sister yesterday saying, simply, "Congratulations!" on the occasion of the California Supreme Court's decision to . . . erm . . . stop the politicians from robbing a whole class of human beings of their rights.
I just wrote and then deleted a long and pessimistic post about the state of the world and the slow progress of justice. It is true, I think, that this week's "victory" is too small, too temporary, and is overshadowed by the seemingly inexhaustible mass of fear and ignorance. So I'm trying again for something more optimistic.
As I wrote of my anger today, I also began to feel compassion for those who sense their power - their long history of privilege and authority - being stripped away. It is this anxiety and loss in the face of radical changes in the world that leads them to fight against marriage equality, among other objectively good changes. When I hear them say, "think of the children," or "threat to the family," or "it's a slippery slope," I know that those are merely effigies of hurt feelings.
At the risk of sounding condescending, I would pray for them, that they should every day reflect on the fact that all their power, all their privilege, that all authority and all dominion come from God. Power is not a right, but a costly gift, and one that we all - who possess it - are called upon to steward wisely as we strive to live more fully in God's image. Our power gives us the capacity to choose the right, to love one another, and to live well.
I also pray that my own patience and compassion should increase. I know that I share in the sinful tendency to translate my subjective experiences into a putatively objective reality. I should remember that my moral judgments primarily stem from my own anxiety, and that by better understanding my fears as well as my desires, I will see the world and people more clearly.
I am happy that so many California couples, after years of faithful love, now possess the right to seal their unions under the law and in the witness of the community. I am happy that these justices understand that democracy - and, indeed, civilization - depend upon the rule of law and not majority rule. But I am unhappy that this is so extraordinary an occurrence. We are living in the 21st century, and yet our progress is continually offset by fear and ignorance.
Perhaps the resolution to this ambivalence is to shift one's focus from the general to the particular. If one sets one's sights on the vast and perpetual battle between human dignity and human darkness, one is inevitably frustrated. The score is impossible to calculate at that scale. But in reflecting on the love one feels and the love one witnesses, gosh, in this there is so much comfort.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Peaches Party
Truth be told, I too am growing quite fond of the dog. But it is not for lack of puppy love that I am hesitant to allow Gunndi to be a part of our wedding. It is that, long before she came into our lives, I had suggested that we find some way to involve the Peach in the ceremony. My suggestion was met with derision, yet I fail to see why it is any crazier than having the dog participate.
For one thing, the cat is clearly more obedient. She is more likely than the dog to come when she is called, and she won't touch the food on the buffet as she is a very fastidious eater and since we are probably not serving lamb and rice pellets we should have nothing to worry about. She is also much tidier than the dog; for example, if we leave a pile of dirty laundry out on the floor too long, Peaches gently reminds us that we need to take care of it by kindly urinating on it.
So on the whole, not only will the cat be a better animal member of the wedding party, she was around first. So I will be damned if that smelly creature who wakes me up at the crack of dawn and tries to eat the food off my dinner plate gets to be a part of my special day but the preciousest of all all preciouses, my princess Peaches Pussypants, does not. So there.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Tableaux Vivants
In the perpetual effort to do something unique - have I mentioned that I am very competitive? - the issue of long vs. round vs. square tables keeps cropping up.
Long banquet tables are very hot right now. They have a dramatic look and good symbolism, with everyone sitting together like Medicis in their piano nobile. It would seem that they are more expensive, because you have to rent more long tables than round tables to seat the same number of people. I also assume the long linens are more expensive, because the whole rental system is designed to punish you for having ideas. And, you need more flower arrangements for this to look right.
The other trendy thing to do is to mix square tables (eight-tops, as any waiter would say) with round tables. You get a good visual impact thanks to the variety, and you retain the flexibility of those round tables, which can seat 7 - 10 people.
Finally, what is probably the sensible thing to do, is to stick with all round tables and to be creative with the tabletop decor. Rounds have lots of room for "tablescaping" with flowers, lanterns, and other stuff.
The real complicating factors here are budget and space. I have planned countless catered affairs before, but they were gala fundraisers with huge budgets. And they were in New York. The circumstances here are so different, it's like starting from scratch. And our caterer is so accustomed to working with wealthy clients that she hasn't been very detailed or concerned with budget issues; her estimate didn't even show the rentals itemized.
I guess when we do our rentals walk-through in two weeks, we'll have to demand three separate, detailed estimates, and we'll try to maximize. I just hate having these ideas hanging out there in the purely theoretical realm, when we have only 5 months left. ACK!!!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Puppy Party!
If you asked me just a few months ago - before Gunndi came into our lives - if I thought it was a good idea to have a dog in a bow take part in our wedding, my answer would have been an unqualified No.
Oh, how things change.
In the past several weeks, sympathy has turned to warmth, and warmth has turned to love. That filthy, hyperactive, greedy creature has nuzzled her way into my heart. It's not a matter of wanting her to be a flower girl - it's simply that I would miss her so much if she weren't around on our wedding day.
Now that we are doggie daddies (or puppy papas?), a surprising number of people assume that Gunndi will be there with a big bow around her neck. And, she loves the farm; she loves the dogs who live there (adorable Bubba, Ike, and Sissy). She's good in crowds of people, especially if they pet her.
Michael is still opposed to her attendance. I can see his point. She has little self control. God knows she'd try to eat the whole buffet, and a wrong move by any squirrel could ruin the ceremony. She'd be a terrible ring bearer, with her lack of focus and love of running. But she's so darn cute! What would you do?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Don't Cry Out Loud
Michael and I have a certain problem in common: we are both pretty much on the verge of tears at all times. It takes approximately one drink and the rhythm guitar opening of Love Is a Battlefield to get us seriously sobbing. Our wedding ceremony is destined to be a tear-drenched mess of Terms of Endearment proportions.
Since alcohol won't help, and we've successfully avoided Xanax so far, what can we do to keep the emotional outbursts in check? Aromatherapy? Yoga?
I'm a little bit unsteady right now, just thinking about it! We are strong . . . no one can tell us we're wrong . . .
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Important Hotel Update
Well, the Marriott people weren't lying when they said we picked a big weekend. The hotel is, apparently, booked up, and taking no more online reservations at this time. Some rooms may be released as the date draws nearer, and we suggest you try calling 800-228-9290, as things change every day, and an operator may be able to help.
Meanwhile, please remember that we have a block reservation of our own at the Courtyard, and the rate is only $78. We will be running a bus from that hotel to the wedding site. The reservation number is 919-309-1500, and mention Bruno-Beyer wedding for the group price.
Across the street from the Courtyard is the Comfort Inn Medical Park, which currently has plenty of rooms available for $89 and $99. The phone number there is 919-471-6100.
For those who would prefer to stay downtown (and there are many reasons to do so), we have identified some alternatives, including three highly recommended B&B's. They are all within walking distance (particularly for you city folks) of the Marriott, where you can pick up the wedding bus.
Blooming Garden Inn
Morehead Manor
Old North Durham Inn
The Duke Tower Residential Suites seems like a genuinely cool option. It's in the "arts" section of downtown in a strange historic building, near to the farmer's market. And it's super cheap! Reviews on Tripadvisor are very good, too.
For those of you who plan to rent a car for exploring the town, there are many more options near Duke University, including the Washington Duke Inn, the Hilton, and the Millennium. Finally, don't forget the lovely Arrowhead Inn is within 5 minutes of the wedding site.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
And a Brief Pat on One's Own Back
After posting in detail about how woefully behind-schedule we are, I should note that we have accomplished some very important steps:
1. Hired a caterer who still has us very excited, especially when we snack on her hush puppies late at night.
2. Rented a goat farm, the location of our dreams, an amazing business run by cool people who have made us feel more welcome than we ever expected.
3. Hired a photographer whose work is stunningly beautiful, and who has been a very good working partner so far.
4. Booked lodging for ourselves and arranged lodging for many guests, in spite of the totally bad customer service around here.
5. Invited three dear friends to read scripture passages in the ceremony, and been lucky enough to have all three accept the invitation.
Even if we accomplish little more in the next 165 days, we have done enough to ensure a pretty good wedding.
Outstanding Work, Gentlemen!
Did you know our wedding is less than 6 months away? Or, as Crate & Barrel puts it, "Only 165 days til the big event!" (This is right next to their red-typeface exhortation, "Add more gifts!")
I feel as if we are way, way behind where we should be at this point. I know that many people, including my amazing sister, succeed in planning weddings on a very tight timeline. But, I still feel anxious and panicky that we have so few things finalized.
If there's one thing I know for sure in this life - and it took me about 30 years to learn - it's that things get done when you make a schedule for doing them. Below is our to-do list, with deadlines, and we will keep you updated as we accomplish these objectives.
List of Totally Non-scary Objectives
1. Invite the Officiant. It's embarrassing that this isn't done already. We practically have the entire ceremony planned, the readings (and readers) picked out. At least the person we have in mind is already coming as a guest. I assume the answer will be "Yes," but I wonder if my procrastination is somehow a sign of avoidance, rather than over-confidence. Deadline: this Friday, May 2.
2. Hire a DJ. It's probably time to get busy with this, since wedding season is in full swing now, and we don't want to be left with some cheeseball DJ and his old Abba records. I'm leaving this to Michael, who has identified at least one good prospect and can also potentially write a good Craigslist post for recruiting more possibilities. I give him a deadline of May 22.
3. Plan Ceremony Music(ians). I have a co-worker who is not only a real liturgical singer, but also a music librarian. I want to invite her to sing, and to help "music direct" the ceremony. I have a feeling she could be very helpful with recruiting instrumentalists and choosing songs/hymns/arrangements that she knows we'd like, but can't find for ourselves. But the asking has been delicate, since I've been keeping this whole wedding on the DL at work. (See, there's another bride in the office, and I don't want to detract from how much she's relishing the Princess thing.) I have to find an appropriate occasion and way to make this request, though. So, I'll give myself a deadline of May 22, just before I leave for NYC.
4. Walk-through with the Tent Guy. This, at least, is already scheduled. We should be prepared, though, with some ideas about what we want, and we should be psychologically ready to fight for our budget. The walk-through will take place on May 23.
5. Design and Print Invitations. Our talented twosome are eager to spring into action. We will meet with them in the last week of May, and hopefully we can make enough progress in planning and collaborative design that they will be able work over the summer, and we'll be ready to put invitations in the mail during August. Deadline for conceptualization: May 28.
6. Book the Buses. We approached the bus issue back in March, and the vendors clearly thought we were a little too early to worry. But, there is a sweet spot between too-early and sorry-we're-booked-up. I think that sweet spot is now. We got an estimate and chose a vendor, we just need to sign a contract and make a deposit. Deadline: June 1.
7. Finalize the Menu. Our farmer friends out in Orange County have confirmed that they can provide us an heirloom pig for the wedding feast. There are two questions that remain to be answered: Can we afford it? And, will the caterer embrace the plan? Deadline for answers: June 6.
8. Get a Florist. Michael spoke to the owner of an organic flower farm (who, unsurprisingly, never replied to my email). She was enthusiastic about doing the wedding, although she demurred on the issue of expense. I'm not sure how to move this forward, since email is obviously not effective. I think we'll have to call and schedule a visit. Although we're swamped with travel next month, I'm saying, Deadline: June 30.
9. Figure out the Bar(tending) Situation. We spoke with the manager of our wine "superstore" on Sunday, and he had good ideas, information, and advice. He says we only need a few weeks' notice to put in an order, and is happy to work with us in fulfilling our plan of serving European wines in magnum. We brought home a few more bottles to taste, and I hope we will make our selections soon. On the cocktail side, we need to have a serious conversation with the caterer about the logistics of this, and I need to figure out if we can buy liquor in New Hampshire on one of our trips up there this summer. Evaluating the cost-effectiveness of that plan (as it requires driving that booze 1,000 miles in a rented car) will take some math. On the whole, the booze situation seems like the least urgent, so I'm giving it a deadline of August 15.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
When You Care Enough...
So I haven't cut my hair in weeks. This is partially due to being lazy and partially due to being busy writing my grant (I call it my "grant hair", like "strike beard"). It is also partially due to not really having found a good place to get a haircut. But ultimately it is because I have this stupid idea that I will grow my hair really, really long and then when I go to New York next month I will get a kick-ass haircut at Bumble and Bumble. However, my laziness and apprehension may have been a fortuitous event that will help me with my new idea (but more on that later...)
Another seemingly unrelated issue is wedding rings. I'm too lazy (notice the theme) to check to see if we've blogged about rings yet, but suffice it to say we've batted a few ideas around. We'll probably have our engagement rings bonded together. I know, it's cheesy but also really sweet and awesome because we'll probably have Little King, the jewelers who made my ring, do it since they are quite talented and do some amazing things with palladium. What, however, does this have to do with my hair?...
Enter, Life Gem ("because love lives on..."), the company that will, for an exhorbitant fee, turn your loved one's ashes into a diamond. Oh yes. You did not misread that. They will take your loved one's cremated remains and using a patented technology of high pressure in a low oxygen, high nitrogen environment, turn your dead spouse into a gemstone.
But why wait until death! Love lives on now! So for those customers who are impatient and desperate to have their loved one's carbon molecules fashioned into an ordered crystal array, Life Gem can use hair! So all I have to do is grow a bunch of hair, and save it when I get it cut off, which I'm sure will go over real well when I tell my hairdresser at Bumble and Bumble that she can't spill any of it on the floor because I'm going to turn it into a wedding ring.
And of course, this really won't work for Emerson, who has no real hair to speak of. Perhaps if he gets started now he can save up enough fingernail clippings by October. They should be just as carboniferous as hair. Or maybe some dessicated blood. Somehow that seems even more romantic! Really the opportunities are endless.
Now as I haven't run this past Emerson yet, you may not be seeing diamond rings made out of our extraneous organs. But if he comes asking one of you for advice, play up Life Gem. And make sure to emphasize that it is absolutely, positively not the slightest bit creepy...
Monday, April 7, 2008
A Fine Day for English Majors (and Those Who Love Them)
Stanley Fish, about whom I harbor no strong feelings or opinions, has written an agreeably simple review of a forthcoming book called "French Theory" (&c. with a long subtitle). Dr. Fish's review appears as part of his blog on the New York Times website. He devotes most of the review describing what we would have called (in grad school) the "contours" of French theory, which is to say that "French theory" is shorthand for something very diverse and hard to define, and quite special without being too important.
Dr. Fish points out that "deconstruction," which is really just a way of reading, became a weapon of choice for many participants in the "culture wars," which made and lost many fortunes and careers. He also points out that the "culture wars" are simultaneously more amusing and more frustrating when viewed through the lenses of deconstruction.
A wedding, too, is the very sort of thing that deconstruction is a good tool for examining.
As I read, I was reminded of a lovely text that appeared in Harper's several years ago, and which often comes to mind when I feel that I have to explain why we are having a wedding that has no legal meaning when all our friends and family already know the strength and value of our "united state."
The text I remember is the wedding ceremony of a college professor and an artist, as delivered by the judge who officiated at the event. I hope you will read the whole thing, because, although it is quite heady, one gets a sense of the sweetness that the couple shared. Maybe the most important passage is the one that says this:It is misguided to think that what validates a wedding ceremony is the making public of innermost feelings, and the sincerity or earnestness thereof. That may be a satisfactory performance, but it is beside the point of the wedding vow.
This is one of the things that I tried to express in my earlier post about sacraments. And, it is also one of the reasons why we have chosen to cleave as closely as possible to a traditional Catholic ceremony, rather than a personalized one: it is not "as if somehow the more heartfelt and confessional your ceremony is, the more married you are."
Indeed, although our feelings that have brought us to this point, we still believe that marriage has a permanent, objective value for us, for our families, and for our community. So the wedding ceremony has to have a bigger scope, and it truly should not be "all about us."
We will take some small advantage of having a wedding outside the traditional institutional structures of Church and state. Our Scripture readings, for example, are some that you are unlikely to have heard at any other wedding, but they probably won't leave you scratching your head either.
I plan to write more about the legal, social, and political meanings of our wedding over the summer -- and, like it or not, it will carry some meanings in each of those realms. I hope that by deconstructing this thing, this event, this day -- at its heart it should always be mostly a party -- we can do a better job of getting down to the core business of making something happen.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
"Beware all enterprises that require new clothes."
If clothes make the man, then I am bound to be Gregory Peck on my wedding day. Except without the height, gravity, Oscar, and jawline. What I mean is, I found the Gray Flannel Suit. And, I love it. My first eBay purchase may be the most important I ever make.
The suit is from Hickey-Freeman, but not their very poshest custom lines. I have no idea how old it is--probably from the 1980s--but it combines many of the best modern details from mid-century and classic English riding suits. I'll have to get it fine-tuned in a few months, when I have a better idea how much I'm going to weigh. Meanwhile, I have to find a really good tailor around here. I miss Leung's, but I don't think they're good enough to merit two trips to New York.
Also: Is it justifiable to spend seven times more money on shoes than on one's clothes?
Friday, March 28, 2008
A Butcher, a Baker . . .
Several important developments this week have driven us even farther down the artisanal-sustainable-local path than we expected to go with this wedding.
You already know that our invitations will be designed and printed by two of our most creative friends, Anders and David. My mom has volunteered to arrange the centerpieces, a task for which she has demonstrated her considerable talents--and we hope to strike a deal with an organic farm in Pittsboro to supply the flowers.
But here's the new news: homemade cupcakes and heirloom pork!
Our fabulous, beautiful friend Amy is not only distinguished by her generosity as a cat-sitter and her infectious Kiwi pride, but she is also a distinguished graduate of the pastry program of the French Culinary Institute.
Now, I can bake. Lord knows I can bake. But I cannot make it pretty until it gets in your mouth and you forget what it looked like in the first place. I had considered making the cupcakes despite the warnings from every side (I am foolhardy), but I wondered if I could live with them being less than beautifully finished.
Enter Amy, who has enthusiastically agreed to help with the baking and the decorating. Not only that, but has offered to practice her buttercream dahlias in the intervening months so that our dessert will not be the least bit amateur but quite extraordinary. Proof of her skill is in the photo:
Having Amy's advice and counsel throughout the planning and baking process will be undoubtedly invaluable. Thank you, Amy!
As for the meat, we have been buying delectable turkeys, chickens, and ducks from a tiny farm run by a lovely family in Orange County, and they recently announced that they have formed a cooperative venture with their (rather amazing) neighbors to produce pork as well.
Today we got a delivery of chicken from Fern Hill, and I casually mentioned that we would love to find a local pig to serve at our wedding reception, and Nancy was totally on board with the idea! In fact, she suggested they could raise a pig specifically for the occasion, and that there is enough advance notice to grow it to the ideal size for our dinner. Out of respect for the most urban among you, I'm not going to say what the Tamworth heritage pigs are fed, but it is a thousand times healthier than industrial feed and literally comes from the neighborhood.
Of course, this means that will be barbecuing it, not pan-searing rib chops with fancy French sauce, but it also means we will use virtually the whole pig with a minimum of waste and expense of energy for transportation (90 pork chops might require 12-15 pigs).
Nancy casually mentioned that we could even slaughter the pig as part of the wedding. I demurred, as you can imagine.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Food, Flowers, Farming, and Fabric
So, I undertook the spectacular waste of time known as "inspiration boarding." I think this activity was invented by bridal magazines as a way to be more internetty.
I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't pretty fun.
I think this activity is probably useful if you are hiring a coordinator, or even to share with your caterer. It's a snapshot of how you want the day to look and feel--except instead of you and your fiancé in the pictures there are catalog models. Maybe it can help you make consistent decisions if you are risk of veering off course into fluorescent colors or a "theme" (eek!)
I'm not sure the mosaic I made reveals anything about me or our wedding that you didn't already know. It's going to be rustic, and we're going to eat well. Have a look after the break and tell me if this silliness is a window into my psyche:
Click on the mosaic to see the pictures in big, lavish detail!
